Watching The Bachelor makes me really glad I’m not on the show because I would never want to watch myself kiss anyone. People look ridiculous when they kiss. Little Amber looked way constipated. Let it go, girl! The Officer/Gentleman is kissing you in a hot tub! Give him some tongue! Live a little.

My only theory is that Amber, and all the other girls, for that matter, have crushes on one of the cameramen and feels weird kissing Andy in front of him. People never think about the cameramen on these shows, but you gotta hedge a bet that they get around. I mean, if I had the choice between a manicured, chivalrous Brooks Brothers-wearing guy driving around in ABC-rented Lamborghinis and the greasy, schlumpy dude behind the camera (who basically controls how thin I look on T.V.), well, the choice is clear.

That said, what kind of name is Bevin, and since when do 28-year-olds cry about a sprained ankle, let alone wear stilettos with one? Not sexy. Also, skiing? Not sexy. Tessa? Not sexy. I said it. I’m sorry.

Next week on The Bachelor: a comedy of extreme sports and forced altruism. Only the strong survive.