Aight, aight. Yo. Sorry, I had to do it…I’m going to try and make this brief because—let’s face it—American Idol has gotten a little old this season, and I’m sure we’re all tired of hearing about it. So let me start with the judges….

I know it’s not a fashion competition, but what the hell was Randy wearing? You know he thinks he’s a general in his own mind. Yes, I believe he loves himself that much. Paula—I’m sorry about the bruise on your face, but do you have a speech impediment? To me, she always sounds like she’s talking with a retainer in her mouth, but last night, maybe due to pain killers, it was even more pronounced. And she was obviously tired from her fall cause she was relatively quiet.

Simon—I love you just the way you are. Maybe with a few more buttons undone. I’m sorry that everyone boos you. You’re the only one that makes sense.

Jordin owned Blake last night. Owned. What Simon said about her wiping the floor with him on the last (kind of wretched, but not surprised it was picked) song? Totally true. She walked out on that stage and it was like she’d already won. She knew she had it. And I loved her dress.

The tears were a bit much (though I imagine it is really overwhelming), but I’m pretty sure Blake was crying harder backstage. Cause he sucks. And I’m not going to lie, I got a little teary myself. Jordin’s version of Xtina’s Fighter…eh. She’s not so good at up tempo songs, but producers can take care of that for her. And she could probably have a long career singing those beautiful ballads. She really is excellent. And they only brought up her age 4 times last night.

Blake. Oh, Blake. You sucked. Hard. I was never a fan of the Bon Jovi beat boxing thing, but everyone else loved it. And then it just went down hill. Waaaaay down. Hon, you can’t sing. So don’t pick a ballad to sing (and ruin a great song). Followed by another even more horrendous ballad. I couldn’t even listen to his version of This Is My Now.

I was thanking God for Tivo because about a minute in, I had to fast forward. I don’t think he was in pitch the whole time. And was it just me, or were those last pair of pants he was wearing way too tight and framing his package? That was the only thing I could see. But maybe I just have a dirty mind.

If Jordin doesn’t win after last night I don’t know what’s wrong with America. Unless they just feel sooooo bad for Blake, think everyone else will vote for Jordin, and vote the other way. Cause it wasn’t even a competition. It was like watching a really bad opener for a band you’ve been dying to see.

And we’ll only have to hear This Is My Now one more time… before they release it on single and drive us all crazy by playing it over and over and over and over again until no one wants to buy the winner’s album. Maybe that’s why no one who wins American Idol is successful….