Guess what? You are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model!

Ok, well maybe you’re not, but 33 tall and thin girls were last night on Cycle 9’s first episode of America’s Next Top Model.

Every Thursday, I’ll be recapping the latest episode for you guys, so we can all laugh, cry, and feel fat together.

The first episode of the new cycle played out in typical ANTM fashion. There were tears, tragedy, weaves, self-professed “bitches,” illness, and bad style choices around every corner.

This time around, the casting special was held in the Caribbean and the girls were all on the same boat, quite literally. Chantal proves herself to have a big, yet inarticulate head, when she says “I think I have something no other girl has. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something.”

Janet the bikini-waxer is already my new ANTM crush, and Victoria, the self-professed nerd from Yale, who looks like she’s never owned a hairbrush, has already gotten on my nerves. Also, lots of poor fashion choices in denim. Denim legwarmers and a very ill-fitted, almost offensively awkward, denim skirt.

Oh and what would ANTM be without nervous breadowns coaxed out by Tyra? We learn of crackhead moms, foster care, one-eyed blindess, Heather’s Asperger’s, and a little molestation and rape thrown in for good measure (which, by the way, Tyra had to force the poor girl to talk about.)

Before the girls even get a chance to hate each other, they’re thrown into their first fashion show, modeling life vests for the other cruise passengers, who seem vaguely disinterested. This passes without incident, except for Miss J making fun of Heather, which makes me cringe. Then it’s photoshoot time, which swiftly leads to bizarre cuts. I still don’t understand why Mila is still there.

Next week: More drama! More tears! Tune in and commiserate with me next week, when I’ll share my predictions for who will be America’s. Next. Top. Model. That gives you plenty of time to study up so you can distinguish one tall, thin blonde from the next!