Considering that every episode of The Hills includes Heidi drinking at some Hollywood hot-spot, it came as quite a surprise to me to find out she wasn’t yet 21. But, alas, last night was the big two-one for Ms. Montag. And what did she do to celebrate the big event? Why, spend the evening with the one and only person in California that is still speaking to her: Spencer.

I can’t imagine a worse way to spend my birthday – besides the ridiculously sexy Chanel bag, of course – than dining with Spencer Pratt while he plays with his iPhone in a hideous dress that makes me resemble the left-overs of the entire meal my anorexic body couldn’t handle. But who am I to judge? To each their own.

It is not like Heidi had a choice; even if she were still friends with Lauren (or anyone, for that matter) she would not have been able to celebrate with Heidi because everyone who was anyone was at the Young Hollywood party. Which, by the way, LC and Whitney rocked. Way to handle a large group of obscure young “celebrities” and Hilary Duff, ladies!

And while the party was super chic and fabulous, I found the whole thing so strange, considering these days LC and Whitney would definitely be two of the guests at the party (with front row tickets, totally!) and not the people with the ear buds in running the show. Is this one of the show’s fatal flaws and further evidence that the whole thing is scripted?

But before we debate that – even though we all know deep down but absolutely refuse to admit that this can’t possibly be real – we must not forget about Audrina and Justin “My Hair is Officially Turning into Dreadlocks” Bobby. How much did it make you want to puke when they roll into the concert in matching leather jackets? Almost the worst thing ever until the camera pulls back and you realize that JB’s capri/combat boot combination. And did anyone else notice when he stepped away from the bar at the after party only to come back acting a little stranger than normal?

Could it be? Was Mr. Justin taking lines in the bathroom? I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything….Wait. Of course I do. Justin Bobby is a total drug user. He couldn’t even hold a coherent conversation when he returned. It was like listening to Britney’s interview with Ryan Seacrest.

Band Dude: What’s the story with you and Audrina?
Justin Bobby: Yeah. She’s really good.
Band Dude: Are you 2 hot and heavy?
Justin Bobby: Yeah. She’s really good.
Band Dude: Who told you those pants looked good with those boots. Or at all?
Justin Bobby: Yeah. She’s really good.

We’ll see how everything pans out next week. I hope it includes an intervention and a trip for Justin Bobby to the Cirque lodge. If I had my way, next week would be some sort of crossover episode with JB going on What Not To Wear.

Now that’s some good reality TV.