I’ve gotta tell you all – I watched the last ten minutes of this episode two days before I sat down to watch the whole thing, so I was really looking forward to seeing what I thought would be a nasty entertaining mess of an episode.

On episode 4, the FOL people waste no time introducing the challenge: split into two teams for a Flavorette Roast. Cringe. Each team will be coached by some unfamous comedienne to write jokes about one person from the other team. The winning team gets a date, the master roaster gets the solo date.

Remember the Flav roast on Comedy Central? Snoop saved that mess.

Anyway, team one consists of Shy, the Things, Prancer, Myammee and Sinceer and team two has Bee-Ex, Bunz, Grayvee, Hotlanta and Seezinz.

Team one wants to target Hotlanta. They throw around things like, “Looks like she got ten stomachs”; “monkey hands”; “stripper.” What? Then someone says something about a herpes bump on her lip. Oh. Sh*t.

Team two targets Shy. And again, I hear phrases like “Homey the Clown”; “Bad hands/feet/clothes”; and Hotlanta says - “Periodontal disease”? That’s a super formal word. How does a stripper know about that stuff?

These unfamous coaches seem superfluous (I know fancy words, too, Hotlanta) and then the girls go down to the Improv where Sommore (who might have been at the Flav roast, too) hosts.

The person being roasted has to sit up on stage and I feel badly for Hotlanta before they even start; especially after Shy busts out with the “I want her to cry.”

The audience is full – did these people pay for this? Or did they just donate canned goods for the house?

Sommore calls up Prancer from team one first and calls her Bambi after a ghetto makeover. Sommore just won a new fan.

The ripping on Hotlanta’s not so bad; baby daddies, her waddle, stripper – and then the Things talk about the “herp” on her lip. Flav was laughing and then he heard “herp” and he’s freaked out because he’s scared of bumps. Yo, so am I.

Shy goes up and makes it clear that she’s on this show to because she is desperate for a reality show of her own.

So then team two goes up to roast Shy. Bee-Ex talks about her 42 teeth and stank breath but everyone else on her team is an embarrassment. Wow, they suck, each one worse than the previous one. They’re better when not fully scripted. Hotlanta is the worst-izzle. Really. Izzle.

Grayvee is the last to go up and Flav says that her accent is so kuntry that he can’t understand her. Ouch.

When the pain that is listening to team two ends, Flav goes up to ask the audience to choose a winner. Like it’s not obvious that team one took it and that Shy would be the audience’s favorite.

Bee-Ex is pissed. Yeah, you should be; you were the only decent one on your team.

Shy and Flav go on their solo date immediately to the aquarium and Flav’s hair is like 4 feet high. I stop paying attention until I hear something about a shark tank – Shy gets in, Flav gets in and then he gets out because a shark rubs up against him. Fair enough. They eat dinner surrounded by tanks and Flav kisses Shy and confirms that she does indeed have stank breath. When he offered her breath mints, she didn’t seem phased at all. Maybe she embraces her periodontal disease.

So after the date, Hotlanta goes in to see Flav after trying on lingerie and practicing her booty pops in the mirror. I’m so confused by that 45 seconds of the lingerie and booty pop, new lingerie and booty pop, especially since they end up laying down together. Did they edit out the actual booty pop for Flav? And how does someone actually do that with cameras around while living with 45 insane women?

They talk and Flav is distracted by the herp. To be fair, I think that she’s just got a pimple. Flav is all camera-emphatic about ‘getting to the bottom of this.’ Oh, geeze, how?

Next day – group date. I’m so bored. I expected more of a mess and I am dying for the end to come. Flav takes Bee-Ex along for the group date, which is nice for her because she hadn’t been on one yet. The Things are wearing matching clothes. Do they always do that? How have I not noticed this before?

They all go to Raging Waters Water Park. Fun!

Back at the house, Dr. Gene Rubenstein shows up to stick Hotlanta’s herp/pimple with a needle to test it. Ow, ow, ow, OW!!

On the date, when they all sit down for lunch, Flav steps away from the table, probably because the producers told him to, and the Things start telling Bee-Ex that she looks familiar, like they’ve seen her in a club and yeah, shut up, no you haven’t. Bee-Ex says something about her cousin bringing her to an award show. Who cares?

After this date, the Things go up to Flav’s room and that stupid hot tub scene that they’ve showed us 93 times since the show premiered finally happens. They tell Flav that Bee-Ex is in the “entertainment circle” but they are speaking in such vague terms and he’s so distracted, they might as well be admitting to their own herpes.

Bee-Ex comes in to talk to Flav, she admits to having been on “Fear Factor” and I hate the Things for just talking to talk because it’s all bullsh*t. “Fear Factor” doesn’t count.

So then Gravyee shows up with pig’s feet and Flav and I have the same need to puke.

FINALLY we have eliminations.

When it’s down to Hotlanta, Bee-Ex and Grayvee, Flav asks Big Rick for an envelope, which hold the results to Hotlanta’s needle in the herp/pimple. If she’s got a herp, she has to go. Which is ri-effing-diculous. He has NO idea what disease soup is lurking in anyone else’s pants. Plus, he’s Flavor Flav. Has he looked in the mirror?

Anyway, so it’s just a freaking zit and Hotlanta gets her chain.

Grayvee gets sent home for being too kuntry. I’m sure that Yvonne will meet a nice man who shares her love for pig’s feet one day.

Next time: I don’t even care.