Let’s just get right into this. I’m calling Daisy the Blow Fish/Skank Spice/Stripper with the Plastic Face for the win.

The show starts with the elimination that we saw from the previous episode, with Bret telling Ambre and Daisy to pack it up for Cancun. Bret’s excited because VH1 planned some great stuff at the Me by Melia Cancun.

Once they arrive and get setteld, the three go to dinner. Bret has questions for the ladies - but Daisy pulls out a list of questions of her own and Ambre and I are suprised at her reading and writing abilities. Blow Fish asks Bret about how he’s always referring to their physical attraction and Bret says that it’s because Daisy is still a “mystery” to him. There’s no mystery in Hep C, Bret.

Ambre tells Daisy that she leads with her sexuality and I don’t think that Daisy understands what that means.

Bret moves on to tell Ambre that her “win at all costs” attitude throws him off - and then she throws me off by kissing Bret. Was that to shut him up? Is Ambre all about her TV hosting career?

Anyway, Ambre and her two-toned hair have a date the next day, Daisy the day after.

So the next day as Ambre’s about to go on her Bret date, Daisy tells Ambre that it hurt her feelings when Ambre said that she leads with her sexuality. “I’m not afraid to be sexy.” It turns into Daisy telling Ambre that Ambre’s feeling inadequate and then Daisy tries to imitate Ambre’s walk. Ambre walks like a hunchback? Oh, Daisy, Ambre and the rest of the female population wish that they could be like you.

Ambre’s date is at Xcaret. And those flip flops with that dress = killing me. Hiking leads to a cave boat leads to massage tables.

It was inevitable that Ambre would mount Bret in full view of the massage guys but at least they have the sense to leave. I love that a Bret ballad is playing in the background.

Wait - are they naked? In front of the cameras?

Oh, good, lunch. With clothes on. Blah blah eating, Bret’s dated a lot of girls like Daisy, Ambre is different - whatever.

Ambre and her flip flops go back to the room to get ready for dinner. Daisy has a newspaper on the bed when Ambre enters and it really amuses me. She asks Ambre about her date and I must have tuned out for a bit because all of a sudden I hear Ambre say, “For such a pretty girl, you’re the ugliest woman I’ve seen” followed by “You’re a hateful bitch.”

Daisy’s responses are truly well-crafted: “That’s awesome.” Are you that stupid that you can’t articulate another response? Poor Blow Fish.

At dinner, Bret and his purple tie-dye bandana present Ambre with a necklace. You knooooow that he got one for Daisy, too.

Then Ambre busts out with the “For the record, I’m not wearing any underwear” and I think that she pulls not one but TWO “Basic Instinct” moves to prove it. So of course they go to Bret’s suite and Ambre needs to get over his ocean view because she only went up there to make use of the no underwear situation.

In the morning, Ambre does the walk of shame back to the suite, where she is forced to eat breakfast with Daisy and I am further tortured by the sounds of Daisy trying to talk.

For the Daisy date, they are going fishing on a pretty sweet boat. Bret wants to find out what’s in Daisy’s “mind, heart and soul” - uh, how about styrofoam peanuts, cigarette ash and a lot of wind?

Bret asks Daisy what’s going on in her life since Ambre’s pretty solid - and I swear, can this girl ever finish a sentence, ever? Thankfully, Daisy gets sea sick and makes this part of the episode worth watching. But sadly for my ears, after she hurls, she still tries to talk. Oh, and Bret, I hope that she rinsed the puke out of her mouth before you kissed her, nasty ass.

So at dinner, Bret and his new bandana give Daisy and her plastic chesticles the same necklace that he gave Ambre. For no reason, Daisy brings up Ambre and white picket fences - I think that Daisy is trying to say that Ambre is perfect in that Americana-apple pie-non rock star kind of way, but all she’s doing is saying that Ambre is a fence. We can’t all be puke stained velvet rope outside of a strip club, Daisy.

And then it’s time for Daisy and Bret to have sex since it’s been two days.

Daisy does her slut strut back to the suite and they fight again because Ambre calls out Daisy for being mean since they arrived in Cancun. Hey, Ambre - it’s a competition. I don’t know how this exchange came about but I’m adding it to my list of all time favorites:

Daisy: “You’re degrading me by calling me a stripper.”

Ambre: “Dude, that’s your occupation.”

I guess that video challenge wasn’t degrading though, was it, Blow Fish?

The girls go off for spa treatments to get ready for elimination that night and I’m so glad that they don’t have to occupy the same space in the spa. I have had enough camera-crying and camera-gloating and camera-bitching.

While the girls get ready, Bret takes a staged reflective walk down the beach and we’re treated to a Daisy-Ambre montage to yet another Bret ballad. He looks weirdly hulkish on the beach and I hope that he’s proud of himself for creating his own cheesy soundtrack to his life.

So FINALLY, we’re down to the elimination.

Daisy is wearing the most stripperish dress and Bret with his shiny suit needs to stop already. I love that these two are practically crying before he says a word. How Daisy has tears left or how her face hasn’t melted off is beyond my comprehension.

Bret calls Daisy down. “You know how much I love and care about you but this tour ends here.” Bret thinks that Daisy might need him more than she wants him. What? How perceptive is that? Which writer told you to say that? I hope that this is the last time that I have to watch Daisy try to cry and talk at the same time.

Ambre wins it.

But let’s be clear, Bret, this wasn’t fate - it was TV.

Now, don’t go thinking this is the end, my friends. We still have - the REUNION!

Heather vs. Daisy - let’s go!!