I did not watch season one and I was very proud of myself until I decided that I needed to fill the void that ROL and Bret were leaving in my heart and TV time.

Oh, Tila, maybe this time it will work for you.

So Tila is newly single and 15 guys and 15 girls arrive to compete for the affections of the MySpace ho. Tila comes out in gold booty shorts saying that it didn’t work out with Bobby and that she’s still bi. And by bi, she means a liar.

She wastes no time and starts with a boys vs. girls cage dance off in order to win Tila time. She encourages them to remove clothing and of course a girl removes her top and Nick, the elder care specialist, drops his drawers. I’m not amused by the shot glasses blocking out body parts; it’s not clever.

The girls win and do they recycle MTV houses? I only saw one episode, but it looks like they covered Domenico’s faux marble with blue and pink carpets.

I like that we know everyone’s occupations. Will they keep their jobs after this? There are way too many people from New York and New Jersey on this show.

I won’t name names because it’s pointless to do that at this point — except for Boston Michelle, because she has a wicked awesome accent.

Tila makes them perform in a talent show which is totally boring and then two girls end up making out. Shocking. And shocking-er? Tila sees it. Of course.

Girl eliminations: The maker outers are told, “Give me back my key and get the f*ck out of my house.” Is that how she rolls? I like.

Six leave and they do their requisite shot.

The boys, who have been left out in the cold and in the cage, are up.

(Um, does anyone watch “Viva Hollywood“? OMG. Vinci and Berto doing their love scene. Ha. Remember “8th and Ocean“? Yeah, I barely do, too.)

Tila changes out of her booty shorts and I see twins. Christ, here, too?

Chad, who I think needs to be my drinking buddy, teaches me the phrase “wang bone” and drunk Mohawk kid needs to go home.

Jay from Jersey is like every bridge and tunnel guy in the clubs. Someone calls him Corey Haim and I was totally thinking that. Are they gonna fight? Is this scripted?

The guys have to perform a fashion show.

Nick the elder care specialist presents Tila with an actual d*ck in a box and he’s so going home.

Boy eliminations: Nick and his penis are out. Some other guys are out. The mohawk is wasted and sent home. Tila sends home a twin.

I have no predictions. I decided that I would indeed like to drink with Chad and walk on the beach with Kyle.

This season: Oh, they all sleep in one bed? Chad punches Bo in the soul patch? Fire pits and tears and I bet that they are already casting for season three.