Tila arrives in BOhio to give everyone in the Buckeye state a boner with her hooker shoes and tattoos. She meets Bo’s students and his family and they are all down to earth and sweet. It is during this visit that Bo reveals to his family that he was in the hospital and had a plate put in his jaw - Mom is upset because she didn’t know about it and I wonder if Bo still lives at home. How do you get Bo from Brandon?

What made Bo’s mom show off her Gene Simmon’s tongue and hit on Tila in front of a 10 year old? Poor thing is getting the education that he never wanted from his mom.

Next up is Tila in Westchester, NY, visiting Kristy. They start at the ice rink. Kristy must have been the junior ice champion at one point. They go on to Kristy’s house to meet the family and I cringe when they all start dancing to the show’s theme song. Does Tila sing this crap? No one should be “freaking” on anyone right now. My mom would have died 4.7 seconds into this mess.

Off to San Diego to visit Brittany. I anticipate a boring visit but Brittany comes out of this looking really cool to me. She’s really thoughtful, her friends seem cool and her dad is a nice guy. These are the conclusions that I’ve made based on 90 seconds of footage, but I’m sure that I’m right.

And last is the visit that I’m dreading. Jersey Jay in Jersey. No one else in his family looks like Corey Haim. The dinner devolved rather quickly and I wonder if this is a regular occurrence with Mom and Step Mom showing breasts and kissing. This family is so freaky, Tila could have shown her vagina and they would have called it cute. Tila must have magic musk pheromones to make everyone hit on her everywhere she goes.

Why would Jay suggest going in the hot tub? I can’t pick my mouth up from the floor watching this hot tub orgy. If I were filming this, I would have quit my job during dinner and my family would have to starve for my choice.

Everyone reconvenes at the mansion where I finally see the stupid gigantic purple bed that hasn’t been slept on since the third day. Brittany and Bo are worried because Jay’s family was wild and Tila might like that more than their normal visits – yeah, um, don’t worry. I can’t even imagine why Jay was proud of his visit. He’s totally going home.

Eliminations!
Kristy gets the first key, Bo gets the second and…

YES!!! Jay is GOING HOME!! Tila says that he’s not her type. Haaa.

Jay, give it up, you LOSER. Don’t even call Tila a ho. And you can call Bo a bitch all you want – you are going to go home to hold your limpness in your hand while you watch your moms make out and cry over your dumb tattoo. Bo is really way too cool to stoop to your level and acknowledge your bitch-assness.

Next episode: Cancun. I’m too angry at Jay to add any detail to this.