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I hate Halloween. I have always hated Halloween. One of the first pictures anyone ever took of me is in a pumpkin costume at age 4, crying my eyes out. I don’t hate other people who like Halloween, but the holiday itself makes me so pissed that when prompted to write a Halloween article I refused to write a positive one.
So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.
Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault. That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.
I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”
Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER.
Candy: Yah, that is exactly what we need, an excuse to shovel more diabetes-inducing sugar into our insatiable legion of fat children. Candy on Halloween teaches people two things, how to gorge yourself, and how to beg. Why not call a spade a spade, call it ‘Insulin Day,’ and just chop everyones’ foot off right now.
TV Programming: On Halloween, every channel on the dial shows whatever scary movie they have in the vault, all night. As someone who’s imagination is more then enough to literally make me sh*t when alone in a dark room, the last thing I want is every Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street playing all at once.
Haunted Houses: I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this. Haunted Houses, hay rides, and other various haunted locales go from boring (high school) to grotesque (every haunted house run for profit) with no middle ground to actually enjoy yourself. F*ck haunted houses.
“CLEVERNESS”: It’s in quotes and caps for a reason. That’s about as subtle as people are on Halloween. LOOK HOW FUNNY/SEXY/EDGY I AM.
People dress either in lingerie (I’M A SEXY CAT/BUNNY/CONSTRUCTION WORKER/COP/DENTIST/CHEF/PERSON WHO WORKS AT HOME DEPOT), go ‘edgy’ and do something so tasteless they know it’s gonna start a fight once everyone is drunk enough (’dude are you seriously going as someone who’s HIV positive?’), or ‘clever’ — which usually amounts to going as a hotdog or a tampon or a giant sperm. Also, anything phallic that comes with its own retarded catchphrase. Everyone has crap ideas on Halloween. The night literally destroys creativity and feeds off tacky bullsh*t.
You’re probably wondering if I go out at all. I do. I dress as a Pokemon and throw bricks through car windshields.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
19 Comments
Conan, if I were a single woman I would e-propose. you make me chuckle.
Hahahahah Wow that made my day. You are hilarious
Hurray for the Debbie Downers and fun-suckers of the world!
Although coming from you, I shouldn’t be surprised. You have a track record of writing very negative, pessimistic posts…it gets old.
oh man, debbie downers can be HILARIOUS
“You’re probably wondering if I go out at all. I do. I dress as a Pokemon and throw bricks through car windshields.”
made my day.
hahahahahhaha
love it
worst holidays are a toss up between halloween and thanksgiving, both are absolutely pointless.
after constantly getting badgered on my point of view, its great to see someone who agrees
Haha. All so totally true!
haha…I still like Halloween. You lose.
Hahaha I love the part about the insatiable legion of fat children…I wish I could hear your ridiculous shuffling noise as your Pokemon flees from their greedy little hands:)
This made me laugh so hard that I squirted a few tears. “’dude are you seriously going as someone who’s HIV positive?’” was my favorite part…I can count on two hands the douchebagss I know who would actually do that.
this is totally my kind of humor…
I disagree….with everything except the last part.
I know my outfit. I’m going as a Panda….and no it’s not going to be revealing..because Panda’s are already sexy enough!
Can’t wait for Halloween.
I’m so glad that I’m not the only person who hates halloween. My friends all think I’m a freak because I think it’s the worst holiday ever.
I love Halloween… Of course, this is coming from a theatre major. O.o I think it’s just fun to dress up and have good time. We don’t trick-or-treat or anything, but we just have a fun get together in the main lobby of our dorm and sometimes put on a dorm hallway trick-or-treat for the little kids in our area.
Ahahahhahahahaha, lmao.
I love Halloween, but this article was very funny, good job !
By far the worst holiday has to be New Year’s. Nothing more depressing than one more year closer to death and only to reflect on how crappy the past year has been. I make sure to go to bed early and turn off the TV for new years eve.
Halloween - so much more fun in comparison
Awesome post, had me rollin’.
I guess I would agree, new years can be depressing but my guard is down so I can drink on New Years since most people are wearing normal clothing.
Also, to the panda person.
The best Halloween ive ever had was at a mmw concert where i danced with a panda. so props.
Eff you, Laura. Conan is my hero. He wrote the article about Teddy Graham cereal.
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