For the longest time, I was a cell phone dissident. But then I got one and realized the euphoria that comes with sending and receiving text messages. So, whatever. Cell phones are fine by me.

But it’s all the different types of cell phones that flummox me. Your choice of cell phone (or your compulsory, complimentary Verizon cell phone) can say a lot about you. So I put together a list of what I’ve observed. Feel free to add.

-I give a lot of credit to those with chunky, outdated models devoid of mp3 players and color LCD screens. If you have one of these, you’re way cool, low-maintenance, and able to play the beta version of Snake whenever you want. I’m jealous. But you also may be trying to hard to prove a point, in that, I-don’t-need-a-new-cell-phone-but-I-want-one (and go to the Apple store everyday to drool on iPhones) kind of way.

-If you have that bland Nokia that everyone has, good for you. Way to be a moderate. You’d vote for Bloomberg in the next election, you eat a semi - vegetarian diet and you never go over your alotted minute plan. I trust you.

-Blackberry, Sidekick and iPhone users are automatically tools with tools.

A story: One time I encountered a long - lost love on the streets of Austin. Hoping to reignite our tired flame, I tried to leap into his arms. But I couldn’t. Because he was holding his Blackberry. I then proceeded to have a five - minute conversation with him while he had a seven - minute conversation with his Blackberry.

Tool! These things are black holes. Having one is like assuming another limb. Thus, they should only be sold to amputees.

As for myself, I have some kind of flip - phone with a bunch of cumbersome features I don’t know how to work.

Ignorance is bliss.