The holidays are a perfect time of year to sit back and reflect on what we’re most thankful for. Family, friends, warmth, PRESENTS…you know, all the good stuff life has brought us during the last 365 days.

Two things I am very thankful for this year? That I am not Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears.

At one time two of the hottest, most enviable babes out there, these days it’s hard for me to choose which one it would suck to be the most. To help me decide (and because I’m a little OCD), I’m complied a list.

If I was Jessica, I Would:

• Make movies that go straight to video
• Curse Tony Romo
• Have a dad who is certifiably smarmy
• Have sold my soul to MTV
• Have an untalented sister considered more talented than me
• Be known mostly for my boobs
• Own a website that looks like a high-quality ebay store

If I was Britney, I Would:

• Most likely have giant mental problems
• Usually forget I have kids
• Date guys who look like total douchebags
• Spend my nights in convenience stores
• Shave my head like it was no big deal
• Be unable to comprehend what the words “court date” and “must attend” mean
• Need a body double for naked photo shoots
• Believe Starbucks is a food group

These chicks may have a lot of cash, but if being rich means trading in my brains, fashion sense, and mental security, than you can count me out.

This year, I celebrate the true joy of being innocuous and unknown.