Dear Blackberry,

I have been sooooo busy; I totally haven’t been able to write to you until now! Like I’ve even been too busy for Benji and I totally love him. Not like I love you or Tink or myself. Or all of my mirrors. And my car. And my reflection in store windows. But I love him. Screw all of those other guys. This is for real. You know how I know it’s for real?

Because I get to go on tour with his band. He knows that music is my life. I bet he’ll want me to sing with them soon and then they’d be even more famouser! He totally gets me.

Did I tell you that he takes me to all of these made-up places? South Africa – you never heard of it either, right? Like West Africa is a real country, but South? Also, he can wear my hats. That means that when I play dress up with my doggies he’ll fit right in. It’s so totally perfect.

Also, I didn’t go with Benji, but you know what’s also not a made up place? Turkey. No, really, it’s like a country. And I didn’t eat any turkey the whole time I was there which is so stupid, but whatever. Every time I asked somebody about it, they answered me in some weird language and I was like, “Don’t you speak English?” What’s wrong with people today, Blackberry?

So I went there to judge this pageant. There weren’t any turkeys THERE either, by the way, so I had to judge people. But it was hard to be a judger because they told me what to look for but I was soooo itchy in my underwear that I didn’t hear anything. That’s what happens when you wear something new, I guess. Well, I’m never making that mistake again!

Anyway, I have to go because the spray tanners are coming to my house and I really want some turkey for dinner so I’m going to see if I can find anyone in LA who’ll speak enough English to understand that…

Love you!!
Paris