The other day a friend of mine counted the amount of times I used the word douche. The number was shockingly high, something like 20 times within a half an hour. This got me thinking….I was either very irrate about something and was on a ranting rampage, OR there are many types of doucheness. So, I thought I would break it down so you too can put to use this fantastic word.

Webster’s Definition of DOUCHE:
The true definition of douche is: a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes. or; to use a douche or douches; undergo douching. Vaginal douches may consist of water, water mixed with vinegar, or even antiseptic chemicals.

Okay. FIRST OF ALL…Does that sound painful to anyone else? Have any of you actually tried this? I’d really like to know.

My Definition of a DOUCHE:
Here’s the thing, douche has its varieties and I’ll have to break them down for you.

RICH DOUCHE:
The rich douche usually will do something like order your meal for you at dinner while saying something patronizing about what color lipstick you’re wearing and how it clashes with your dress. Rich douches usually say snide things about poor douches and visa versa. He most likely has Daddy’s money or Daddy’s company, and has dated his fair share of waify blondes wearing pearls. The rich douche would never enjoy a divey pub or roll around in the grass with a Labrador, instead he’ll have a greyhound and think pubs are for Irish invalids. Take him to The Palm or he’ll just go hungry.

POOR DOUCHE:
Just as bad as the rich douche, but in a different way. A poor douche usually plays some sort of victim role which involves “hating ‘The Man’” or “The System.” A poor douche takes advantage of his Mother and then takes advantage of his chick. Poor douches eat entirely too much pizza and play entirely too much Halo with the boys and almost never cleans the bathroom. The poor douche never picks up the tab, and usually has you buy your own liquor that he will proceed to get drunk off of. Poor Douche thinks Rich Douche is worse than him, but really…they’re the same — one just isn’t overdrawn.

GYM DOUCHE:
You’ve seen this guy. As a matter of fact, these are the easiest ones to detect. The muscles and the hair gel usually give them away. Gym Douche can even be detected from a car, bumper stickers that say “NO FEAR!” or have some little kid pissing on something will usually don their trucks, or shiny black cars with ridiculous rims. Gym Douche will tell you you need to do squats and won’t enjoy your Grandma’s cooking when he meets the family. Gym Douche likes Girl Gym Douches who wear makeup and hoop earring while running on the treadmill.

INTELLECTUAL DOUCHE:
This one will almost always make you feel like an idiot by saying something patronizing like, “…well you wouldn’t know anything about that…” Intellectual douche will definitely say something snarky about your lattes or your affinity for Half-n-Half while he drinks a sh*tty cup of black coffee and looks pensive.

GANGSTA DOUCHE:
Will listen to entirely too much bad rap and call you “Gurl” or “Woman.” Gangsta Douche will generally have sketchy text messages from “other chicks” and will roll entirely too many blunts while watching 106 and Park. Gangsta Douche will choose “his boys” first, almost ALWAYS, so just forget it…at least until you’re his baby mama.

MUSICIAN DOUCHE:
THESE ARE THE WORST KIND. Because they use their fancy fingers, fancy voices, and their fancy fancy HAIR to make you think they’re not douchey. They write lovey little ditties and fool you into thinking you’ve found a “sensitive one”. One that will love you when you eat too much pie and will let you be neurotic and perfect and won’t mind when you stop wearing so much mascara. THEN. The true colors shine through…and you realize those little ditties…..were JUST LITTLE DITTIES. There was no meaning, there was no depth. He’s just a man. Musician Douche almost always has an easy rebound waiting in the wings. Musician Douche is LETHAL.

There you go my friends. Please, tell me, what type of DOUCHES do you know?