Apparently, a freaky kind of shrimp wins best eyesight award.

Yeah, that’s right–the little scamp(i)s have better vision than every other freaking animal in the world. Go fig.

My favorite line in the article is “Just why Gonodactylus smithii needs this level of rarefied vision is unclear, although the researchers suspect it is to do with food and sex.” Because, really, what doesn’t have to do with food and sex?

But the article really got me thinking. I mean, I have bad vision. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was three years old. I now wear contacts, but, frankly, my astigmatism keeps them from being completely effective. But I wear ‘em anyway, because I am Vainy McVainstein. (Not to be confused with Veiny McVeinstein, who is a much less pleasant character.) But, as usual, I digress.

Here are the top 5 things I wish I could see (and which I WOULD see if God loved me and had let me be born as a shrimp):

(5) Robert Downey Jr. in his most, ahem, intimate moments.

(4) “90% Off” sales signs at Aldo.

(3) New in-the-works manuscripts by authors I like (for instance, Gary Shteyngart or Max Brooks, who actually I just now found out is the son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft–jeez).

(2) My future, but like, not all of it. Just the career stuff, I guess. And maybe a peek or two at other little details. You know, like everything.

(1) My boyfriend’s thoughts. WAIT, no, that would probably suck. Okay, (1) Robert Downey Jr. again.

If only I were a shrimp.