Dear TLC,

I realize you’re attached to your name. TLC stands for the ‘The Learning Channel’ and you take a certain amount of pride in the fact that you’re really trying to teach your viewers something about the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from you guys.

For example ‘What Not To Wear‘ taught me exactly why people looked at me funny when I rocked my red-tee-tucked-into-my-red-sweatpants look for two years. You helped me get out of that phase and I appreciate you for that. Additionally, all your programming about sex that involves heavy use of x-ray footage of coitus allowed me to realize just how disgusting human anatomy can be and gave me a bunch of great facts to drop at the bar.

But let’s be real for a minute. There’s someone working for your organization who isn’t doing his job. You know who I’m talking about. Steve, the guy who’s been naming all your documentaries. He’s phoning that sh*t in and you know it. Now, I know he’s your wife’s cousin and he’s going through a rough patch right now, but it’s time to cut that guy loose.

I can imagine your meetings now:

TLC Managing Director of Content : Alright Steve, we’ve got a piece about a guy who does steroids and has a terrible addiction to them and his arms explode. Need something edgy. Something to really grab that audience.
Steve: THE MAN WHO’S ARMS EXPLODED.
TLC Managing Director of Content: You just…you just took what I described and put it into one sentence.
Steve : The man who’s arms ‘sploded‘ ?
TLC Managing Director of Content: …Alright. Let’s do the first one.

This is probably how it goes down. Am I right? Stop me if I’m wrong but I’m not sure how else you come up with stunners like “The Boy With A New Head” and “The Boy With Frozen Bones.”

Here, I’ve got some ideas for you (just send me a check later). One about a kid who has diabetes called “The Boy With The Sugar Imbalance,’ and maybe one about someone who died skydiving called “Jumped Out Of A Plane And Died.”

Also, please run “Bringing Home Baby,” more because I can’t afford TiVo and I keep missing it.

Love,
Conan