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One of my good friends finished college. Three cheers for her, I say! Way to get it done in four years.
Last night, though, this same good friend also got engaged to her boyfriend of two years. Um. Congratulations?
Yeah, yeah, so they’re in love, whatever. I get it.
I was in love once. I never actually talked to the guy, but it was there. I’m still a little baffled by her annoucement of love and commitment at such a tender age as 22. Maybe it’s me, but a lot of the time, I still feel 14. I just have so much to learn about myself before I can conceive of taking the black - and - white plunge.
And before she started dating her boyfriend — oops, i mean her fiance — my friend was right there with me, braiding my hair in the photobooth with an economy bag of fun - size Snickers and a stack of trashy magazines.
Now, she has the Big Job, the Big Ring, the Big Life, and I’m wondering what to do with all these issues of Jane and feeling like I should take the training wheels of my bike.
Is it just me, or does the prospect of marriage seem insane at this point in time? My own parents and grandparents were married at this age, but today things have loosened up a bit. Maybe it’s because we’re living longer, but I feel like forty is a good age for marriage — live half of your life single, half of it married. The way things are going, I’ll probably won’t feel forty until I’m sixty.
At least there is a potentially fun wedding to look foward to — now I that I don’t have to pay my older brother to steal me drinks.
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Remember, though, that you don’t have to totally grow up before you get married, mainly because you’re going to be growing and changing for the rest of your life. If you wait until you become a static person to get married, you’re going to die first.
And though I don’t advocate dating from high school to college, some of the most significant changes from childhood to adulthood occur during college. Who you are as a person is, quite commonly, already set by the time you graduate. You personally may not have found your stride, but a heck of a lot of other people have, and honey, once you find The One– that’s a once-in-a-lifetime find, and you don’t want to give it up easy.
I dated a guy from highschool through my sophomore year in college. It was a disaster. Somewhere in there I let him give me a ring, and that was even more of a disaster. We’d dated for years, so I was sure we knew each other and who we’d be.
So glad I dumped him. Eight months later I met Kevin.
And that boy is *perfect*. My family loves him, my girlfriends love him, my guy friends adore him, and (a year and a half later) I still get wobbly in the knees thinking about him. When I graduate, you better believe I’ll be marrying him. This one’s not getting away.
Forty? Really? Do you intend to wait to have children until you are married? The rate of birth defects skyrockets in women over thirty-five.
Perhaps I’m naive, but I’ve noticed that people who don’t want to get married just haven’t met the right person yet. And when they do, those ideas tend to fly out the proverbial window.
Waiting to get married is totally fine. MORE than fine, these girls are nuts. Not everyone wants to be a housewife and have children by the time they’re 30, I choose to define my life on my terms - I’m sure as hell not settling down until I have a stable job and am ready to. This isn’t the 19th century, get married if/when you want to and are ready, not because Amy thinks you’ll have deformed babies.
Personally, I’m thinking 30 is a good age to get married. Gives me 10 years.
Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I’m 20 and the fact that people my age, people I know, are taking that step is insane. Don’t you need permission? I figured by the time I was old enough to get married I would be MUCH more mature…I would drink coffee black and use anti-wrinkle cream and know how to prepare cocktails that don’t taste like fruit punch. You know, and be confident in who I was and sure of what my values were and understand what I wanted in a life partner. I don’t know if there is a gradual change or a turning point, but I can’t foresee not feeling like I’m 14 in the near future, and, though statistics say otherwise, I can’t envision myself getting married in fewer than 10 years.
Okay so this might sound completely off the wall, but I’ve noticed that the majority of my family & friends that are getting engaged/married around our age (early 20’s) tend to be strict Christian kids.
I suppose it may have something to do with the strictly limited intimacy factor, whereas me and my boyfriend, who have been dating FAR longer are completely comfortable taking things slow, are really in no rush to jump into something like marriage.
Another thing that scares me is that these kids have never lived together… probably never even spent more than a vacation with each other, so how do you know what it’ll be like to live with that person? Their annoying habits… Their short fuses… I just think these are things to take into consideration before making such a complete commitment.
A friend of my boyfriend’s is actually engaged to a guy she’s been dating for less than a year, they live over 200 miles apart, and have to travel hours to see each other. I just can’t imagine how you could possibly know someone well enough like that to get married? Call me scared, but I’m gonna take my time…
Also.. I thought I’d add the idea that religion does play a big factor, seeing how these guys believe that God “put them together” in a sort of destiny-type deal, so that of course it’ll work out.
But then again statistics do show that couples like that tend to put more effort into staying together and actually last longer, so maybe it’s in their favor, eh?
From personal experience I can say this: whether you do or don’t get engaged quickly, DO have a long engagement instead of moving in together - you really wear down your credibility for getting married if you are willing to live together first, but having a long engagement gives you the same insight as to whether you are a good match and also how your relationship with his/her family will turn out - as these are your children’s future extended family remember!
Another good point IS your age for having children as I find 30 is probably the last year to wait - and no, not about your quality of reproduction but more about the ‘energy’ you need to weather the long haul of raising children. Think about it, when they are 16, you will also be 46 then and that’s about the time our nerves start to wear thin from years of negotiating life’s challenges and if you wait till 32 for your second child, - well you get the picture!
I have seen only a scant few women who by the time they are nearing the end of their 40’s who have the kind of energy to handle many children of all ages well. These women do seem to have great spouses who most commonly do come from religious famalies because the men either saw or were taught to respect family.
Marriage is serious and you don’t want to divorce, if you do, you don’t want to keep on divorcing, so take your time with your guy and take marriage counselling up front so you will know how to argue over differences, know where you stand on important issues before you marry [how to handle money, having children, etc].
Don’t feel pressured into it, don’t get overly caught up with the need for a fancy wedding, stay within your financial means, and have a sense of humour!
One last thing about long engagements, some men, cute,sexy,great pals,overly willing to follow your lead,etc.; are perfectly fine until they reach a breaking point and then bad behaviour follows - you wouldn’t see this unless you spent a long time [up to 2 years for ex] & these men are a really good reason to have a long engagement [kill their credit, ‘good’ guy qualities fall apart, cheating because they sense things are tough, etc. - and no, you cannot ’save’ them…find someone better. If you were not married and hopefully did not produce children, you’ll be in a better place to move on.
Just remember, how you go about this important stage affects how you develop, so take time to think it over.
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