I ooze class when I’m wasted. And Saturday, class was just coming out of my pores. I went up to a friend’s house in Connecticut for her graduation party. The party started at two and of course there was the requisite family time. With only a few glasses of wine under my belt and a lot of delicious finger foods, family time was no problem. The problem began at around 5 when the high school friends arrived. When I couldn’t find a bottle of water, I figured beer was the next best thing. After a game of drunk bat (don’t ask) we proceeded to the after party. Thus began my demise.

When I was an undergrad, I guess getting incredibly shit-housed what somewhat acceptable. We all did it. It happened to everyone at some point (or at lots of points) during those four years. Unfortunately for me, I had to do it just one more time before I realized that getting frat party drunk should have been left behind when I left college.

5. No one wants you on their flip cup team because you suck. Really, I was ostracized.

4. Your mouth has a mind of its own. While playing beer pong, someone tried to throw a ball at me (I think I started that trend). I am deathly afraid of flying objects and actually said, “The only balls I like are the ones that are going to be in my mouth later.” Yes, I said that. To strangers. God, I’m so classy.

3. You take shots of Jack Daniels because someone wants to toast the South. Obvi, no proud southerner would turn that down! And then, when you don’t take the whole shot at once someone makes a comment about Southerners and you chase them (yes, chase them) like a five year old on the playground. How old am I?

2. Getting kicked out of a party because you passed out is not cool. The front steps, a parent’s bedroom; not much will stop me when I’m ready to sleep.

1. Your friend’s mother has to tuck you into bed. Enough said. That’s embarrassing.

No, it wasn’t the proudest moment of my life. I’m pretty sure I made an awesome impression on all these people that had NEVER met me before. Which is why, I have now vowed to leave my body shot, bar dancing, too many beers to remember nights in the past. Right where they belong.