If overhyping network premieres were communicable diseases, then last night’s Heroes premiere was a severe case gonorrhea.

Hayden Panettiere looked cute, and her new boy-toy is a little too metrosexual for my tastes - but I am not one for judging. No Ali Larter …tear…but plenty of whiny super heroes. To make matters worse, the creepy-old-gay-asian guy for Star Trek is dead? Hello…can I have a double serving of disappointment?

Here is my issue, if you are going to end the season with a huge hoopla, AND promote the “revolutionary premiere” - do NOT serve up some screen writers first draft at character development and plot setups for the rest of the season. When I saw the Mexican brother and sister, I was kind of banking on them pulling some Wonder Twin power action and blow some shit up…nope…none…nada…

I was able to appreciate the whole Nissan Rogue blatant promotion at every turn; limited commercial interruption = whorelike product placement and I am ok with that. However, if I agree to be cuckolded by your product placement, give me one of the following: cute new co-stars, explosions, partial nudity, Ali Larter or a fight of some kind. The most exciting part was Parkman going through the NYPD detective training program, and that was 10 minutes into the episode.

Look, I am a Heroes fan and will continue to stick by - but when the Chuck premiere is more interested - you are taking advantage. Heroes was like a bad date that cock-teased. We went out to dinner, Heroes ordered a salad, 2 drinks and steak fajita. Heroes pretended to be drunk and when we got back to my apartment, pulled a “I like you too much to spend the night.”

Damn you Heroes, you can’t play with a guy’s emotions. I hate you and love you too much for all this drama and/or lack their of. You better spice it up next week, because so help me God, if I skip Monday Night Football again for one of your shitty exposition episodes - I will Tivo you and not think twice about it.

Do you hear ME?! I am serious.