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All I want today is a doughnut. A big, sticky, sugary, flaky doughnut.
And I’m f*&cking incensed over it.
All I want to do today is be elbow deep in butter cream frosting and rub it all over my face like war paint, while making Indian battle cries over my victory of gluttony.
And I’m so irate over it, that I cursed my salad for tasting like a f*&cking salad, instead of a cupcake.
No, I’m not about to start my period. I’m just being reminded that my eating has to be conscious in order to not fall back into a period of my life that was unhealthy and dark. A period where I let my mind, stress, and brutal standards for myself take over.
I used to have an eating disorder.
Back then, I would never acknowledge that’s what it was, the words too difficult to even think in my head. I never CALLED what I had a disorder. Instead I used words like hardcore dieting, choosing healthy options, and on the bad days I was having a “Free day“- though most people’s free days didn’t include 4 stops to 4 different fast food chains, followed by 2 boxes of cereal, followed by candy bars, followed by liquor, followed by pastries, followed by immobility. And often followed by vomiting.
I went through a period of living solely off of Atkins Bars and Starbucks “replacement meals”, and took up “forgetting to eat”… then would indulge my ex when he brought me Starbursts and devoured the whole thing since all I’d eaten that day was a diet coke and a scoop of peanut butter. I only let him take me to dinner twice in the two years we were together. Twice.
I was in the midst of a culture (Los Angeles…of course) that would prefer my body to look like a prepubescent 12 year old girl, rather than that of a woman’s body–unless the curves were properly placed, i.e. Boobs, ASS, and tiny waist. This body is as rare as finding a wolf sauntering down the highway, though I figured if I couldn’t have THAT, I would look thin.
My thin 3/4 dress size was the biggest size at every audition. Every. Audition. I was always cast as a “character”, or “friend of” the leading lady.
The double zeros warped my mind so much that a desire to be thin (which started off as vanity) ended up a mind battle that had nothing to do with ME but with my thinking. The constant calorie checking on my cell phone calculator, people calling you “crazy” and not understanding whatsoever the inner battle, the intense two-a-days at the gym, the popcorn and hot coffee as a meal starting to burn my stomach, the thinking obsessively about what I COULD eat next….and then a day, or a week, or two would hit– and I’d feel so deprived I’d turn into a ravenous animal with absolutely no control over my desire to eat everything I saw.
It was an out of body experience, a loss of control so intense I can’t even IMAGINE behaving in this way now. I was feeling lack, self destruction, the need for perfection, and the need for control.
I have been healthy and completely safe from my previous behavior for a little over a year.
I have been kind to myself, patient and accepting of my body. Of food. I’ve allowed myself ice cream even if it meant I ate it 4 times a week. I’ve started cooking and baking and learning to appreciate the art of food.
And finally; I’ve accepted the curves of my stomach, the roundness of my face, the strength and contour of my legs, the length and grace in my arms and that little extra I carry in my ass.
But there are days, when I’m still reminded of the mindfulness that I have had to acquire to maintain balance and a healthy lifestyle.
I almost always want a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, I almost always want to say yes to dessert, I almost always want to live off of thick macaroni and cheese and garlic bread and there are days when I almost look in the mirror and get angry for being less than an unrealistic standard of beauty. I realize, on those days, I have to change the standard and BE beauty, see it in myself–be my own Dove campaign.
On those days, I have to remind myself of how far I’ve come and how strong I’ve become. How I made it through a situation and a lifestyle that didn’t even seem abnormal to me in Hollywood. I have to remind myself that food is to be celebrated and enjoyed, that macaroni and cheese can be amazing if it isn’t “the enemy” and that red velvet cake shouldn’t be forbidden breakfast, but an indulgence that is a pleasure.
I have to remind myself that a lot of people don’t understand, but a lot of people do….and I have overcome this gracefully and will continue to accept and live in the body and mind I’ve been given.
And if you’ve been there–you can too.
9 Comments
I’m currently suffering with an eating disorder, and I would love to see another article on it to inform others what it’s really about… it’s not something that a person does out of vain, but it’s a constant struggle. And it’s really hard to stop. I don’t think most people really understand what a person with an eating disorder goes through. Thank you for writing this article!
Thank you, I really needed to read it as an outsider looking in to realize I have a problem.
Your welcome girls, know that you always have support from people that have been there, like me! And I’ll definitely try to write another article on some facts and resources for women going through it
This is so true. i never considered it an eating disorder. it is so hard to stop though. I feel like im to skinny looking one day and the next im fat. I think its my thighs I hate the most, I cant tone them. Im trying to be normal with food but its difficult im stubborn.
I have so far survived my eating disorder, although i know it will always be with me in so many ways in so many situations. I think more articles should be written and posted relating to this topic. When i was in the midst of my eating disorder i tried so hard to make people understand me but as i got older i started to understand that people are not able to understand me unless they 2 have gone through it or go through it.
im eat a lot and i remain a healthy size. people tell me i have the ‘perfect’ body size (its not perfect ofcourse, nothing is). but to be honest, i personally could care less if i got fat. id still be the same person. a persons weight doesnt have anything to do with who they are. i kno i cant really relate, but i just want to say something to encourage people who feel as if they are struggling. i dont think there IS such this as an eating disorder. maybe its just because of all these dieting commercials you see on tv you start to believe that its an actual condition. you have the power to over come this “disorder”.(its a bit extreme to say disorder.. indulgence is a better term lol) just remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
how dare you say its not a disorder. unless you suffer from it you have no right to say anything about it. especially that its created in our own minds and its easy to over come. that’s like telling someone who drinks every day to just stop. is not that simple. everyone does it for their own reason which usually has nothing to do with looks. its a psychological disorder. if you know nothing about it and you only come on this site to brag about your so called “pefect body” then you really don’t belong here. this is for people who suffer the same “made up disorder” who can comfort one another. you’re not wanted here.
i am absolutely disgusted at what has been said. how dare you question the reality of this illness. how can you say you dont believe its a disorder when thousands of books have been written, thousands of studies carried out and there are thousands of specialist units to help sufferes. i am still in treatment for my eating disorder after being an inpatient in hospital for 6 months. it is a mental illness with the highest mortality rate of any mental illness there is. the reality of it is so brutal, i deeply wish you were right but there is nothing right about what you have said. i am disgusted and deeply offended. i would give anything to have not been through an eating disorder and am working hard to fight it. dont you dare come and voice such ignorant views.
Chelsea I commend you for sharing your experience with us. I too have struggled with an eating disorder. Although I regard myself as someone who eats ‘properly’ and takes care of herself, I’m still quite fanatical about my portion sizes and freak out when I eat fatty foods. But I feel like I’m slowly getting past that. I just think it’s so important to be surrounded by people who think and feel similarly to myself and to offer support. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. As for this girl who came in with her ignorance and negativity, I only wish that that she comes to her senses and realises the impact of what she is saying, as eating disorders kill, they’re not some made-up, monster under the bed.
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