It seems like every time I have lunch with my mom, we have the following conversation:

MOM: (after a thoughtful silence) So…
ME: (while eating) Mmhmm?
MOM: So, is he….the one?
ME: (still eating, somewhat muffled) what?
MOM: Have you discussed the “M” word?
ME: (after a pause, uncomfortably) Well, I guess…
MOM: (bursts into tears)

She’s not crying because she doesn’t like my significant other, quite to the contrary. She is crying because she realizes that marriage is another step towards adulthood and away from any pretenses that I am still a virgin.

I get uncomfortable during this conversation not because I am uncomfortable at the prospect of marriage but because I’m uncomfortable with the pomp and circumstance implied by the whole dress-cake-church-crying parents to-do. A big wedding is something that popular culture tells us that women have been dreaming about since they were little girls, but every time I think about having to put all that time, money and effort into one day, I get unpleasantly itchy.

The truth is, I am sort of engaged, but I haven’t told my mom yet. I don’t want my huge southern family losing their collective sh*t or making a big thing out of it, I also really don’t want to have the you-don’t-need-a-grossly-expensive-ring-to-be-engaged conversation, but mostly I don’t want to have to deal with my mother’s shock and total dismay when I tell her about the wedding plans we’ve made (and I use the terms “wedding” “plans” and “made” very loosely).

We are eloping. To Oregon. To get married at a doughnut shop.

There is no date set, and there probably won’t be. I feel like its more of a situation where we will be sitting around the living room, watching The X-Files and eating barbecue and just look over at each other and know it’s the right time. It definitely won’t happen until well after I’ve finished grad school and we’ve moved to parts yet unknown.

There seems to be a movement in people my age that marriage is an outdated practice, and that two people who really love each other don’t need to prove their love through a ceremony and a silly piece of paper. Fundamentally, I suppose I agree with that, and if we just end up living in joyful sin together for the rest of our lives, I won’t be heartbroken. However, I do still really want to get married. It’s not so much a matter of proving my love or needing that silly piece of paper to make it real, it’s just another way to show my love for this person. There is something sort of fun about making it official.

And something even more fun about making it official surrounded by strangers, under a Holy Doughnut.

But really in the end, it’s not about the wedding at all. The wedding itself is just a day. Its about the marriage that follows.