Dear Tuffy Luv:

I’m trying to decide if I am suffering from “Dumper’s Remorse or if I have truly made a mistake. This SHOULD be obvious, but for many reasons, it isn’’t. Allow me to elaborate:

After 3 years of dating, I broke up with my last boyfriend about 3 months ago (in January). We had been together for a long time, but I’’d been having doubts for at least six months and possibly more, depending on which friend you ask. We were each other’s first real relationship, and as we got more and more permanently serious I got more and more nervous about that. I loved him, and he loved me, but our relationship finally got so shaky that I felt it was time to let go.

I’’d reached that point a few times before, but each time I insisted that it was time for us to break up, he’’d insist that things would get better and he loved me too much to lose me. When we finally officially broke up, I could tell it was a wise choice because he didn’’t even fight me.

A little background: When we started dating, we were in high school (different schools). We had a lot of the same friends, shared interests and hangouts, and we were pretty much inseparable. Then we left for separate (but only about 2 hours apart) colleges, and everything changed. Communication broke down, and everything I thought would help fix it tended to make it worse. We developed different interests, friends, and passions. Through it all, we still loved each other a lot, and talked about how excited we were for college to end so our “real life” could begin— yes, life in the singular.

The plan was to get married after graduation. But then, slowly, it wasn’t enough to be in love. The silences on the phone got longer, the insistence that gas was too expensive to drive down that weekend became less convincing when he went out drinking with his friends and bought the beer. I ended up making him promise to call me at least once a week on a set-aside day that was easiest for his schedule, and he forgot several weeks running. Therefore, we didn’t talk for several weeks.

So, I broke it off. We saw each other recently over Spring Break to talk about how we’’ve been doing and such. It went fine, in that we were friendly and pleasant and talked like normal people, but it made me ache to miss him so much. The boy who, up until about 4 months ago, insisted that he loved me above all things actually asked me if I was “enjoying the single life”. I guess he is, but no, to be honest, I’’m not. At all.

I’’m interested in a few other boys, but so far I’’m just making a fool of myself trying to flirt.
Which brings me to my actual question/ problem. I miss him A LOT. I miss his smile, his weird sense of humor, the way he got excited over little dumb things, the (admittedly few) times he surprised me with flowers or the time he just showed up on my doorstep at 6 am because he couldn’t sleep and missed me.

I can’’t stand to think that I gave up on something that could have been really great if I had been more flexible, or more able to effectively communicate what I needed from him. But I don’t know if he’’s even capable of fulfilling those needs, especially from a distance. About a week ago I mistakenly texted him in the middle of the night, intending to tell him I wanted him back, but we spoke back and forth a few times until I said I needed to tell him something and he stopped writing back.

Therefore, I ask for your advice. Should I try to get him back, or continue on lonely but freakin’ rad? Does he even want to hear from me, judging from his avoidance of my text-drama? Most importantly, is it totally selfish of me to want him back and/ or at least know whether or not he misses me?

– The Heartbroken Dumper

Dear Heartbroken Dumper,

Girl, I got to give you some tough love: it’s over.

It sucks that you’re going through this. And it sucks that, at least from your vantage point, he doesn’t seem to be going through it quite as hard.

But everybody goes through this every time they have a major break-up. And that sucks the most.

It sounds to Tuffy like you were not having a good time with this guy anymore. You two have grown apart, which is totally natural because you’re just now finding out who you are (college has a funny way of doing that to a person). Believe me, it is SO much better to realize that now than to get married and first have to deal.

Look, bottom line, he didn’t call you for “several weeks.” This is no good. Neither is the saving-money-on-gas-to-buy-beer-with-buddies dealy.

You deserve someone who wants to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to him. Dude wasn’t treating you like the long-term lover that you were, and, for that, he loses you.

Which doesn’t mean he’s evil. It just means he knew what you knew: that you’d grown apart.

So don’t get back together with him. Please. You don’t have to start dating right away again–it’s totally hard to get over someone who you were with for such a long time–but please don’t try to keep dating him. It’s over. Really.

Give yourself some time to get to know you, the college-aged, rad, singular -life -because -you-are -a- singular-person, smart and attractive girl. Don’t go straight into another relationship, and, for everyone’s sake, don’t go crawling back to Oldnews McLamepants.

You’ll be okay. Just give yourself some time. You deserve someone who wants to talk to you every day, and if you give yourself the space to be open to it, you’ll have it in no time.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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