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Ending a relationship with someone, no matter how long you’ve dated, is never an easy thing. You have to face someone and tell them – in more or less words – that you don’t want to be with them anymore. For many, it can be quite devastating to the heart (not to mention, the ego).
So, how do you deal?
Some go for the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. It makes sense; it’s always easier to come up with some reason that conveniently puts the blame on you rather than telling your soon-to-be ex that he really isn’t that funny and you’d rather stab your eyes out with a fork than hear another one of his lame jokes. And, sure, by doing so, you save face and spare their feelings, but ultimately, you’re not being completely honest if you can’t come out and tell them exactly why you’re ending it.
If I’ve ever had to break up with someone, I always try to be as honest as possible, but keep his or her feelings in mind. For example, when my ex and I of four years were falling apart (and even though I still loved him at the time) I knew I had to cut the cord. When I sat him down to discuss why we needed to break up, I was honest: we were killing each other, fighting all the time and I knew it wasn’t going to get any better, ever.
It was an incredibly hard conversation to have, but after 4 years, I felt he deserved that respect.
Wouldn’t you want the same respect shown to you? If you were doing something wrong in a relationship, wouldn’t you want someone to give you enough respect to have him or her tell you what you did wrong to ruin it? You wouldn’t want someone you loved giving you the lame, “I’m just really busy right now,” so why would you use it yourself?
Breaking up sucks and while it’s easier to lie and make up some excuse about how you need some space to figure out what you want, it will hurt. So, be the strong woman that you are and give it to him straight; you will both feel better about it in the long run (and maybe even take some tips with you to your next relationship).
(Photo courtesy of popmatters.com)
6 Comments
honesty may be the best way to go, but i’m too big of a baby to handle it. “its not you its me” works for me
Not being honest is really doing a disservice to who you’re dumping, and to everyone that person dates thereafter.
I agree, hence, my try at the honesty thing, even if it wasn’t the easiest.
When I dropped my ex-fiance, I used an awful lot of it’s-not-you-it’s-me in our Little Talk. And while I can’t recommend it as a course of action, I’m really not sorry.
Frankly, the guy owned me. I’d spent two years wearing his ring, constantly having to ‘learn to be a better person’ for his sake, ditching any friends I even started to hang out with. When I started the process, I was a relatively sane, kind of immature eighteen-year-old; when I ended it, I was a 20-year-old emotional wreck, desperately depressed and utterly isolated. “It’s not you” came almost as a natural extension of what we both seemed to believe: I was too stupid, selfish and extroverted to make him happy, so ultimately it *was* me.
I couldn’t have done it any other way. If you need to get out of a relationship, please do try to be honest– but if you’re in an emotionally abusive, destructive relationship that terrifies you even to think about ending, a little dishonesty is the last thing you should be worrying about.
I completely agree with you Elise. If your ex wasn’t giving you the respect you deserved, then he didn’t deserve any from your end either. That’s great you got out of it though…what I wrote was based on a general, you fall out of love with the person and need a break, type of breakup…but I feel you sista.
Moderation is at best, honesty may be the best, but brutal honesty is not good at all.
If anything, BE VAGUE. But no, stick with your answer for all eternity, until something good comes up and you grow a mutual friendship with that person.
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