I have had, on multiple occasions, the uncomfortable conversation that always ends with the words “I don’t think of you in that way.” I have sat down with many a guy friend to clarify that we’re just friends. I have explained to guys numerous times that I like to keep my friendships and my relationships separate, and that I don’t date my friends. I always mean it when I say it. I always want to stick to it. But the line between friendships and relationships always seems to blur in my confused little world. Why is “I don’t think of you in that way” so hard for me to say?

There have been several occasions this year where I have had to have this conversation. What troubles me the most is that I can’t seem to avoid it. I’m a huge flirt, especially when I’ve had too many whiskey sours, so I can understand why some guys might get the wrong idea and think I’m interested in more than just a shoulder to rest my head on when the room starts to get spinny. But even with guys I don’t get super flirty with, I still have to have the conversation. It’s always approached one of two ways:

The first is a situation in which I have heavily flirted with, or mildly hooked-up with, a guy friend and I have to explain to him that this doesn’t mean we’re meant to settle down, get married, and procreate. The second situation, and the more annoying one because it’s unavoidable is the, “How come we never hooked up?” conversation.

I’d like to clarify my position on this friendship/friends with benefits/relationship conundrum once and for all. Guys, listen up.

First things first –– we never hooked up because I never wanted to. You’re not my type. Get over it.

Second, “The Ladder” theory is absolute bullsh*t. I’ve had many guy friends point me toward this folk psychology explanation of how men and women rank potential friends and lovers. It’s bull. According to the theory, guys place women hierarchically on a ladder ranking them potential lover or potential friend, judging their sexual desirability first, as in, “She’s hot, but not Jessica Alba hot, I give her a 7.”

Women, reversely, place men they meet on one of two ladders: a “Potential” ladder, for those they might sleep with, and a “Never” ladder, for those they just want to be friends with. I can tell you definitively right now that girls do not think this way. When we meet a guy we don’t immediately categorize him as a potential anything. And when girls say, “I just think of you as a friend,” what we’re really saying is, “I don’t find you attractive.” We’re just trying to spare your feelings.

There, I said it.

When I flirt with you, it’s because I enjoy flirting, not because I’m in love with you. When I hook-up with you, it’s because I want to hook-up with you, not because I’m in love with you and want to have your babies. It’s really that easy.

What it takes to get me to commit to a relationship is a lot more complicated now than it was when I was in school. Back then if I met a guy whom I was attracted to and who had at least one or two good personality traits (could make me laugh, was smart, wrote pretty poetry) that was enough to make me want to label him my “boyfriend.” Not so much anymore. A bad relationship can be a great learning experience. I’ve had several bad relationships. I’ve learnt enough. So when I say that I just want to be friends, it’s because I think we’d have a “learn something” relationship. I’m an adult now, I don’t have time to learn things, I’m just trying to pay my rent.

That being said, just because I want to be friends right now doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind later. I had the unfortunate experience this year of realizing that I had feelings for a guy friend way too late in our relationship. I had my window to turn our friends-with-benefits situation into a relationship, I decided that I wasn’t into him in a boyfriend way, and I passed on the opportunity. Months later, I realized I was in love with him and it was way too late. Needless to say, we’re not friends anymore. I got my heart broken and I broke it all by myself.

“I don’t think of you in that way” is, more often than not, a lie. That’s like a guy denying he’s though about having sex with his female friends. Of course he has. He probably thinks about it all the time. I’ve considered different dating possibilities among my friends, even when we’ve been friends for a while, and, yeah, I’ve thought about what my guy friends would be like in bed. (Guys, you’re not the only ones with dirty minds!)

So, guys, here’s the deal, the next time I say to you, “I don’t think of you in that way,” I mean one of two things:

A. I’m not physically attracted to you. But I’d still love it if we could hang out.
B. I care about you deeply as a friend and I’m too mature to f*ck that up by trying to date you for a couple of weeks and then have it not work out. But you might want to check back in a few months because maybe I’ll change my mind.

It’s up to you to figure out if you’re a group A guy or group B guy.