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This is not a new story, but CNN recently did a report on it and I feel the need to once again air my consternation over Purity Balls. Never heard of a Purity Ball? Well, it’s when fathers and daughters dress up and dance together and pledge to a giant cross that they will forever be linked when it comes to the daughters’ virginity.
If it sounds just a little creepy, that’s because it is. There’s nothing wrong with fathers taking an active role in their daughters lives, and I don’t even see anything wrong with fathers talking frankly to their daughters about sex and the consequences — but there’s just something inherently weird about a daughter pledging to her father that she will remain a virgin until marriage for him.
“Kylie Miraldi has come from California to celebrate her 18th birthday tonight. She’ll be going to San Jose State on a volleyball scholarship next year. Her father, who looks a little like Superman, is on the dance floor with one of her sisters; he turns out to be Dean Miraldi, a former offensive lineman with the Philadelphia Eagles.
When Kylie was 13, her parents took her on a hike in Lake Tahoe, Calif. “We discussed what it means to be a teenager in today’s world,” she says. They gave her a charm for her bracelet–a lock in the shape of a heart. Her father has the key. “On my wedding day, he’ll give it to my husband,” she explains. “It’s a symbol of my father giving up the covering of my heart, protecting me, since it means my husband is now the protector. He becomes like the shield to my heart, to love me as I’m supposed to be loved.”
Okay, on one hand — how sweet, her dad is pledging to protect her until her husband takes up that role, but on the other hand — this girl, and girls engaging in Purity Balls with her, are basically telling themselves and the world that men are the determining factors in their lives. Daddy will “control” my virginity until my husband comes along and takes that “control”.
I’m not here to bash anyone’s religion, and even though Purity Balls are a Christian thing, it’s not the praying and the whole “I’m doing it for God” that rubs me the wrong way; it’s the complete lack of feminist thought. If girls were simply promising themselves to wait until marriage to lose their v-card, then why make their fathers part of the pact? Why not make a promise to their mothers that they’ll stay strong women together? I know that Conservative Christianity usually allows the man more power than the woman, but if these fathers really love their daughters the way they say they do, why not pledge to allow them to become their own woman on their own time?
The CNN article doesn’t really touch on the heavy-handed patriarchal thought process that goes into Purity Balls, but that’s the exact part of the ritual that frustrates me. People can believe what they want and pray to whom they choose and promise to stay virgins until the cows come home — but when women sign away control of their own bodies to the men in their lives, that’s when I want to call bullsh*t.
12 Comments
ever hear that song “Hey Mister”?
thats why they do this.
there is nothing more scary than a man having a daughter, because we KNOW exactly what they are going to grow up to do. Everyone copes in defferent ways, this being one of the more bizzare ways…
lol
Yea, I agree with you. It’s too creepy.
Maybe men wouldn’t be so scared of having daughters (because they “KNOW exactly what they are going to grow up to do”) if they (the men) didn’t have such a warped sense of women as human, sexual beings. Get over it boys. Your daughters are going to have sex…just like your mom did. They might even enjoy it. Get inside your own mind instead of trying to control your daugther’s.
Thanks for posting this.
In Saudi Arabia, men make all the decisions about a woman’s future because, apparently, women are “irrational”.
Purity Balls stink of this mentality. The daughters pledge to the fathers– not the mothers. Similarly there is no equal occasion for sons. Why should there be? Men are “rational”. It’s the daughters that need to be watched because they can’t watch themselves
Saudi Arabia is one of the most repressive societies in the world– so it’s really scary that their justification for controlling female virginity (and everything else) is akin to the Purity Ball ritual.
Dean Miraldi are you kidding me? This man trying to teach his daughter’s morals and values of purity! LOL, he is scum, runs from law suits and evades service, then says he is a man of GOD, What God is that Dean? You should tell your daughter’s how you have people do work for you, then don’t pay them, then when they go to sue you, you evade service by running out of the back door of your office so you don’t have to go to court…LOL your scum!
Why don’t they pledge to both of the parents? That sounds a lot more sane. Shoot why not do the same for the boys too! There the ones that are horny! That is such bullsh*t that boys STILL seem to get ignored with respect to sexuality. I mean really, why aren’t boys not involved in these types of conversations!? I went off on my parents when they gave me that stupid crap promise ring. I mean it’s my life and my decision with what I plan to do in regards to sex!! However, if they had my brother sign a pledge too, than it wouldn’t have seemed like a big deal. What pissed me off is that mom was making it seem like boys aren’t the problem, it’s girls opening their legs and crap! Bullsh*t! Boys can’t seem to keep their thang in their pants!
amen to that
That is ridiculous. I can’t believe that these daughters wouldn’t stand up for themselves. This isn’t the 1600s Puritan nation! Yeah, girls have sex but wait..oh my god…boys do too! Yet, there’s no consequences for them. I’m so tired of all the virgin bullshit. Sex isn’t that sacred.
I disagree with Lucy in that sex IS sacred. I didn’t wait for marriage, but I did wait untill I had been in love and in a stable relationship for a while first.
I think that if anyone (female or male) feels the need to make a ‘virginity pledge’ to their parents, then they aren’t doing it for the right reasons. Your should do it for yourself and/or for God.
I find it really creepy that the father “owns” his daughters virginity. That sounds a bit perverted to me. I wouldn’t want my dad taking any vows about my sexual life!
OMG, I read that very quote in a recent Time or Newsweek mag (I forget which) & practically barfed. And of course, once again, all responsibility for maintaining “sexual decency” is thrust upon girls, not guys. UGH!!!
Well, just from a Christian POV I don’t find it odd at all.
In a Christian household the man is responsible for his household. So if his daughter is going to make a pledge then it should be to her father (who is responsible for her as part of the family) before God.
She is making a pledge to God to remain pure. But the representative of God in the household is the father. It is the father’s responsibility to look after his daughter (including protecting her purity) and he will be judged for it, so why shouldn’t he help her in every way possible? She is doing it for God. It pleases God for her to be obedient to her parents, particularly to her father, the head of the household.
She is also doing it for herself. God loves an obedient soul. The blessings to her will be 10 fold.
Why not pledge to her mother? It is not necessary. Could she? Sure. But her mother is not held responsible for her the way her father is.
Should boys do this as well? Sure. I think it would be great, but our society frowns on men wearing lockets with hearts on them. It also frowns on teenage boys going to “balls” unless they are dragged kicking and screaming by their dates. But churches offer many ways for men to interact with their sons and teach them to be proper men.
I find this very touching and a wonderful symbol of a daughters love and respect for her family, her father, God and her future husband.
So why say you aren’t going to judge when you do? Either don’t judge or don’t make a pretense that you aren’t going to. Just say that you don’t understand it and move on.
Always
Mike
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