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For those of you who follow any of my entries on here, if you know anything about me, you know this one thing: I like sex. I like it a lot and I have made the argument on here, multiple times, that a lady can still be a lady and have sex whenever SHE wants…including the first date.
But I did something this past weekend that I haven’t done in five years: I did NOT have sex when I wanted to, and could have.
A man who I’ve had a flirtatious relationship with for the last 10 months has recently been coming on more strongly. He’s been asking me out on ‘official’ dates and telling me how it drives him nuts that I hook up with other guys but I have never attempted to even touch him. (And I laughed some sort of maniacal laugh in my head at that one…I loved finding out that I was driving him crazy with desire. I’m real sick like that.)
We made some plans for Saturday night and I blew them off. I was busy with my writing and had no desire to leave my neighborhood. I kindly let him know that he was welcome to meet me in my neighborhood, but that I was on too much of an artistic kick to travel. (He’s an artist, so I didn’t expect this to be weird for him to hear at all). And apparently, it wasn’t weird for him, because he got in a car and drove over.
I invited him into my house and I knew that he must have been sure, in his own mind, that we would be having sex. After all, we’ve been friends for a while now. He knows about my other ‘hook ups’ and I know about his. We’ve expressed a mutual attraction for each other and then to top it all off, here I was blowing off actual plans and just inviting him back to my house instead.
We hung out, shooting the sh*t. It was late. Really late. We ordered in food and watched HBO. There was no alcohol to be found.
He eventually made his way over to sit on the floor in front of me, then reached behind his head to play with my hair. Ahh, the first physical embrace. (Doesn’t that anticipation suck?)
But there was nothing more. I was getting sleepy and wanted to go to my bed. I told him he could stay over, knowing this was making him POSITIVE that he would get laid. But, as our bodies drew closer to one another, I made up my mind: I would cuddle with him and maybe kiss him, but I wouldn’t let ANYthing else happen. No sex. No oral. Not even heavy petting.
I didn’t decide this for ’self-respect’ reasons or anything of the sort. Rather, I wanted to make a point. This guy seems to get girls everywhere he goes and I wanted to be the girl he couldn’t get right away. And so I was. And it was f*cking empowering. In the morning, he asked me to go to the movies and then lunch with him. And we left it at that.
I feel better about myself than ever. I still maintain that when I want to have sex - both emotionally and physically - right away, I do it. And I feel good about it. This time, though, I wasn’t ready emotionally to have sex with him and nothing makes me more proud than following my gut.
Maybe one day he’ll be able to say that he did have sex with me…but regardless, he’ll always have to say that I made him wait.
[photo from: metro.co.uk]
6 Comments
I am totally cheering for you. See, *this* is power over your own sexuality– doing what you want to, when you want to, for your own dang reasons that have nothing to do with gaining the guy’s approval.
Now, no doubt, the ‘omg ur such a sLuT’ commenters will call you a cocktease. Well done! XD
I can’t resist a cute man in my bed. I swear; it just HAPPENS. I will be sleeping and the next thing I know I’m jumping him. GOOD WORK.
Devon,
I was really sad to read this. I think it’s great that you love sex and enjoy hooking up with guys. And if a woman doesn’t want to have sex without a serious relationship, that’s her choice as well.
But sex is a complex and emotional issue that deeply affects people, and our choices come with responsibilities. You need to communicate honestly and clearly about sex. You may be laughing, enjoying the thought of tantalizing him and manipulating him, but you’re being cruel.
It’s your choice to have sex with him or not, but if you decide not to, please don’t say or do things “knowing this was making him POSITIVE that he would get laid” when you know you’re misleading him.
Imagine really liking someone. You want to be close to him. You let yourself fall for someone special, and then he tells you he doesn’t really like you, that he just wanted to make you think you had something together so he could break your heart. Would you feel deceived and manipulated? Would it hurt?
You hurt him a lot. This isn’t something to be proud of. This isn’t “following your gut”. This is mistreating a human being. This is playing games with someone else’s feelings. If you aren’t ready to have sex with someone, you need to be honest about it, and not try to make him think you’ll have sex just to laugh at playing with his heart and dashing his hopes.
Elise commented that the people who called you a slut before would call you a cocktease now. I support you having sex freely when you want, and I support you not having sex, and I wouldn’t call you names whatever your choice. But I don’t support this kind of dishonesty and manipulation. There’s nothing empowering about that.
I’ve been in this guy’s shoes, and I know how much it hurts to have your heart and mind played with, He’s probably wondering what he did wrong and why you turned on him; what the other guys have that he doesn’t. He’s probably going over the night in his head, wondering what he could have done better, wondering how to get you to like him. Was he too nice? too mean? Should he not have gone to your house? Should he have changed to a different channel than HBO? In fact, he probably didn’t do anything wrong… he was just the victim of a woman playing games with him. It hurts. Please don’t do that. All you have to do is be honest.
Hey Jeremy,
I really respect your opinion here, but I think you got the wrong idea (probably because I didn’t give a year’s worth of background with the story.) In essence, this guy gets every girl he wants. We have been friends for a while now and we always talk about these sorts of things. I never said anything to make him think I’d sleep with him per se or do anything. I really did just want him to come over and hang out and I really was OK with him sleeping in my bed so we could talk more. While not having sex for once was empowering for me, trust me, this guy knows me well enough to know that the only reason I didn’t sleep with him is because I actually like him a lot. We’ve talked every day since. I really don’t think I hurt his feelings here. But I do agree with your opinion for most scenarios like this.
If this guy was “positive he was going to get laid” then thats his problem for assuming that he would. Not Devons. And it’s not like she was majorly teasing him. So I don’t think it was misleading. It seemed to be more cautious instead. And apparently he still wanted to hang out with her the day after. I think for both of them, taking it slow might be a postive thing.
Good luck to both of you. I hope it works out.
Even if you make him wait he will fuck you over. That type always does. I am not bitter….
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