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I am an expert in awkward situations. When I first meet people, more often than not, I leave a horrible first impression. I am similarly awkward in my attempts to be a part of the dating scene.
Just last week, a coworker exclaimed, “Kathryn, you have no game. Your entire approach is off!” Yes, this is true. But somehow, I still get some action, which is why she followed her (rather harsh) declaration with the question, “How do you do it?”
Still, no matter how many times I’ve immediately wished I could retract the bizarre statement that just came out of my mouth, I’ve also been with, or had friends who have been with, equally hopeless guys.
Reviewing my own traumatic events, as well as some of my friends’ bizarre sexual encounters, I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst things to say during sex. Because I’m a woman, they are written from a female perspective, but each of these can be just as cringe-worthy coming from a guy.
1. “Ohhhh, Michael… I mean… Dan?”
Make sure you know the name of the person you’re inviting past the pearly gates. Calling someone by another name will at once crush your partner’s ego and make you look sleazy. Once, I was hooking up with a guy and he proceeded to pour out his feelings for another girl… and try to get my advice on how to go about courting her. That really sucked, and he was pissed when I cut our session short.
2. “Why does your penis curve like that?”
There’s a variety of awkward comments that can damage a guy’s self esteem. Talking about size, shape, or “unique” sexual patterns can make him feel on edge. It goes for women, too. If you’re on top, do you want him to comment on the way your breasts jiggle in his face? No. During sex, both parties should feel sexy. Even if you like way his penis curves because it hits your G-spot just right, you shouldn’t ask why his genetic attributes are different than anyone else’s that you’ve ever been with. Asking “why” can easily be taken the wrong way. Instead, try a more positive approach, and encourage his tactics. Being vocal is a great way for both of you to get the most pleasure from your sexual experience, but try to use a more optimistic choice of words.
3. “So, how do you think you did on the Econ exam?”
Safe, casual sex is common among many college students. I know plenty of people who have had friends with benefits, no strings attached. You don’t have to fake it and scream expletives or pledge your love to someone if you’re not really that ecstatic. But you still don’t want sex to get so casual that you’re typing a take-home exam on your laptop while he’s doing you doggy style.
4. “I totally thought my cheating ex gave me something, but I got it checked out.”
The STD-talk is smart. But you should have that conversation before the condom even comes out. Saying, “I’ve been tested, but we should still use protection” is hot. Waiting until he’s thrusting away to bring up a past scare or an ounce of current doubt is not. Besides, leave any emotional baggage your ex left you with at the door. Your partner doesn’t want to know you’re thinking about someone else (especially an ex), and he definitely doesn’t want to waste the rest of your tryst with visions of penicillin dancing in his head.
5. “Did we use a condom?”
Guys taking advantage of drunk girls is very serious. On the other hand, if you got a little too drunk to use your best judgment, he might not have known. If you threw yourself at him and then admit it was just the liquor talking– ouch. Furthermore, if you can’t remember to insist on using protection, you shouldn’t be having sex. Period. Asking if he was responsible enough to watch out for you suggests that you might have been with other guys who weren’t so nice, and, like #4, make him worry about where you’ve been. There were a couple of times that I got a little out of control with my boyfriend, and the night was–to put it nicely–a blur. Of course, I didn’t want to let on that I didn’t remember the best sex he thought he’d ever given me, so I bit my tongue on that one.
Even if you are guilty of uttering one or more of the above, it’s not the end of the world. You can still learn from your mistakes and polish your game. Besides, I’d much rather make a verbal faux-pas than a physical one. Like if the answer to #5 is “No, we didn’t use a condom, were we supposed to?”
Anybody else have any Tourettes encounters in the sack?
14 Comments
Lol. Maaan. I was going down on my friend, let’s say his name is John, and I suddenly realized that I was imagining myself as Angelina Jolie kissing “John’s” inner thighs. I started thinking about how sexy she was and I had to stop myself in the middle of the act and giggle. John freaked out, asking what was wrong and frantically begging for me to tell him what was so damn funny, and I responded with, “Have you seen that movie Wanted yet?” He totally lost it. I was like… shit… maybe I should have… tried to conceal my awkward laughter in the first place, what the heck do I do now?
God, I’m messed up
I once had a fuck buddy with a guy we’ll call J in another country. He broke off the fuck buddy thing, and without anyone to call upon and getting dumped in a round about way, I was determined to find someone after a night out with the crew. One thing led to another and I picked up this guy who had sex with me (not good sex either). We were about half way through when he stops and says he loves someone else! To get him back I told him I was drunk and used him for sex. Meh, what goes around comes around. Then his ass got kicked out.
Wow, college in America is clearly different to college/uni in Australia!
Here, girls who have multiple sex partners, friends with benefits or some sort of casual sexual encounter are definitely viewed by the wider school community as sluts, skanks or an easy lay. Or just plain old whores. The guys don’t respect them and think they probably have STDs or STIs, the girls don’t even bother with them at all.
Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t frigid or conservative in talking about or this, or ‘doing it’ (with a long-term partner), but it’s just interesting to see how different two Western cultures are…
I can see your point about #5, but I disagree. I think if a woman can’t remember whether or not a condom was used, it’s worth her while to ask. Especially if it got too crazy to remember taking a birth control pill as well. It’s good to know whether or not you should go looking for some Plan-B. I’d rather bruise his ego by asking the question than end up with a “physical faux-pas” like pregnancy. His bruise will go away, but making an unwanted pregnancy disappear is a little trickier.
yeah i disagree with number 5 as well, that you should ask if a condom is used. but it definitly is a point that if you cant remember whether its used too often, its not good for you to be having sex.
i want to meet you
oh no i have a large HPV(only 1) blahbalh
fkn drunks…blah..blah jebus rox..
u fukn downers nerds,piece of fucken juicy penis
i like eating poo, frozen water, frozen poo, when kissing someone i start chewing there lips..but then the girls smack me and starts spreading what i do so i pick up sticks and throw it at the girls laughing..1 time when i was with sophie i felt her pussy and then next thing you no ur on the ground alone.
im realy flexable and i like sucking my own penis. is that normal please tell me
poo,pee,saliver,snot,wide mans ass,black porn thats wat i watch on computer
am i a normal person?, please tell me. (im a white 15y old that lives in ashfield)
on #5, I joke about that a lot, there’s something so cute about a shocked face of such a serious matter! Of course a face slap is received with a “You shouldn’t joke about that”.
Question on the penis curving part, how does a man say “Hey babe, my penis doesn’t bend that way”. A girl can be trying out some odd extremeties, and to be honest, a man’s “man” isn’t that flexible when it’s hard, and I’m not into S&M much so I prefer avoiding pain and gaining pleasure (but a bit of pain is pretty pleasant)
Funnily enough… I DO have Tourrettes… but nothing to awful has been said before in awkward situations… mine’s just a little squeak anyways.
haha!
This might just be me, but usually I make sure to repeat the guys name in my head several times before I say it out loud. Not that I’m actually too worried about saying the wrong one, but… What if?
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