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A male friend and I were having a conversation about a mutual friend and his new relationship. Nothing too crazy, or out of the ordinary, until my friend said this:
“…Yeah and he went over to her house and laid some serious pipe.”
I gasped. I’m no prude. I don’t usually sigh and clutch my chest at the thought of people dropping sex-bombs, but there are some euphemisms for sex that seriously turn me off. Here’s the top 5.
5: Doing The Nasty
Religion, our parents, and old-school sex ed videos did a great job drilling some hard-core shame into our psyches regarding sex. The last thing I need to think about before I do the deed is how what I’m doing is often described as nasty. Nasty is word reserved for boogers, vomit, blood or a combination of the three.
4: Anything Related To Deli Meats
I get it; I get it. A penis looks a lot like a sausage. That’s not something that warrants hundreds of euphemisms though is it? When I hear unfortunate phrases like “porking,” “hide the salami,” or “parking the beef bus in tuna town,” I want to make myself a sandwich, not have sex with you.
3: Diddled
If my grandmother wasn’t worried about being smited for talking about sex, she’d probably describe the act using this odd little word.
2: Bumping Uglies
Now this insults the both of us. I will admit, male and female sex organs aren’t exactly gorgeous but they get the job done. Describing them as “uglies” debases not only the the human body, but sex itself. Bumping sounds accidental, casual and with little skill. Those words don’t exactly scream “romance” to me.
And my top pick, just in time for the Olympic Games:
Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador
Wow. I wish I could say I made that up, but there are 15 more Olympic themed euphemisms where that came from. You’re welcome.
Any phrases turn you off? And how will it take for a $5 Foot-long reference to work its way into the cultural vernacular?
[Photo: Abc.net.au]
13 Comments
i hate the ‘tuna’ ref….wtf? never has…never will smell like tuna…thanks.
“park the beef bus in tuna town”
LOL please tell me you have never actually heard it, and you have only read about it in books. Because i can’t believe anyone would say that.
beef bus and tuna town is pretty much the funniest thing I’ve ever, EVER heard.
It’s not sex, but when guys refer to lady parts as a beef curtain…EW
I hate when guys say “I have a chubby” or “fatty” when they get an erection. I’m sorry but the idea of FAT does not turn me on in the slightest!
I would love it if people started saying things like “I gave her a taste of my $5 foot-long” Hahahah
yeah, whatever happened to fuck. it will always be my classic. but hm.. i think when a guy uses the term meat curtains its only towards the vaginas which are unattractive… and you get the visual picture as to what the term would be used for… this just comes from the guys i am with though. if you have all heard it used indiscriminately towards both attractive and unattractive vaginas, maybe its just used that way outside of new jersey?
um has anyone ever taken a whiff of an uncircumcised peen…they can smell worse than your poon on a sweaty day. so what should i call it then… a freakin moldy hooded kilobasa?
LMAO @ beef bus in tuna town..
& “I gave her a taste of my $5 foot-long”
and wth your “poon on a sweaty day”?…only if you shower once a week…and are like friggin obese.. sorry i can’t cosign on that one.
“Doing the nasty” doesn’t bother me that much- because sex can be kind of messy. Its not that far-fetched. But tuna town? Like someone else said, it doesn’t smell or taste like tuna and never will.
“Bumping uglies” I hate. It was a super popular term when I was in high school, but all it is to me now is an ugly pairing of words. The human body, though generally imperfect, is not ugly.
ela uncut doesnt smell unless he hasnt showered for weeks. people should really stop stereotyping.
In the Bloodhound Gang song, “The Lapdance is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying,” they use the phrase “park the beef bus in tuna town.”
And every time I hear it, I throw up in my mouth a little.
Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway huh?
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