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I have never gone out with anyone who cheated on me (to the best of my knowledge). Like most other people, I tend to think that cheaters are the scum of the Earth and that they should be ostracized from society to sufficiently pay for the way they deeply hurt their partners by doing something so stupid.
However, if I give it some thought that’s more in-depth, I realize it’s not even close to that simple.
I’ve never cheated, no, but I’ve come damn close. Close enough so that if I was my boyfriend, I’d be really, really upset with me. I could make excuses all day—I didn’t realize what I had, my priorities weren’t straight, I was selfish, I was stupid… but at the end of the day, I still came pretty close.
There’s got to be something—some kind of line—that separates me, the almost-cheater, from someone else who actually has cheated. I don’t think I’m speaking ignorantly when I say that most cheaters regret their actions and feel bad about them.
But this post isn’t about why they do it—it’s about whether cheating is ever excusable.
And no, I don’t think it is. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take back a cheating partner. Trust me—my experiences with almost-cheating were all I needed to realize that sometimes I’m the dumbest person in the world and that I can never imagine making that mistake again. A relationship with someone who loves you, truly loves you for who you are, is something you just can’t put a price on—it’s invaluable. I think a lot of cheaters don’t realize that until it’s too late, and then they end up losing everything.
And that really sucks. If my boyfriend cheated and realized the mistake immediately and came to me and was honest about it, I’d want to stay in the relationship. If my boyfriend was a jerkwad who cheated repeatedly with little regard for my own feelings, that would be an indicator that he’s clearly not the type of person I’d want to be with, anyway, and I’d have no qualms about getting rid of him.
Obviously, every circumstance is different, and we can’t generalize in these cases. But what would it take for you to take a cheater back? Would you ever do it? And why?
[Image courtesy of flatrock.org.]
21 Comments
the way i look at it is: cheating is giving someone else other than your partner the satisfaction of having your undivided attention from your mind and heart (and maybe genitals). It’s not even about the ACT it’s also giving that other person clear signs of how bad you want it/them. So almost cheaters are pretty much just as bad as cheaters bc you have to consider what was going on in your mind at the time. The almost-cheater and cheater are going to have the same excuses: ‘i was stupid, i was wrong, i wasn’t thinking, i was drunk’…so what’s to set them apart?
I used to think that whole “Once a cheater, always a cheater” but I don’t agree with that anymore. People make mistakes and that doesn’t mean they will make them forever.
My boyfriend and I have cheated in all of our other relationships with each other, so I can’t really say I hate cheaters because I’ve done it. But my circumstances are an 8 year on/off relationship with someone I can’t stay away from. I think cheating is something people can work through because everyone makes mistakes and everyone gets tempted, some people just can’t avoid acting on that temptation. It doesn’t mean they’re going to do it again.
I am a cheater. Not a frequent cheater, but a cheater who has done it once and never again. I cheated on my current boyfriend and immediately took that as a sign that I wasn’t ready to be with him, so we broke up (although he didn’t know about my dirty deed). Months later, I was ready…he had been waiting for me (I know, sob!) and we started dating again. When it started to get VERY serious, I realized that my cheating on him was not something I could hide forever; so I told him. I figured he would leave me for doing it or for waiting so long to tell him, or he would keep me around for being honest and because I love him so much. Fortunately, it turned out the latter was true. It was a very difficult few months after that, but he admitted to me that his policy of, “if you cheat on me, it’s over,” couldn’t apply anymore.
What a couple does after someone cheats is so circumstantial; it depends on how much they love each other, the severity of the cheating, how often the cheating occurred, and a whole lot of other things that can’t be listed. So if I ever hear anyone say, “If I ever got cheated on, that would be it…nothing could get me to take that person back,” I know now that that’s just not true–and I’m the luckiest girl alive because of it. I don’t know what I’d do without my man, and through it all we realized how strong we were together, and that we could get through anything.
Excuses excuses!! Temptation cannot be escaped but if you have a thought whatsoever of the other person, you wouldn’t do it.
I have never cheated on a girl and i never will. Anyone that cheates on someone is F…ed up. To me someone that cheats and then wants to be forgiven by there boyfriend/girlfriend means that they like the person enough to stay around but not enough not to keep there options open with othere people. People cheat for a few reasons, 1. they need to fill a void in there life, 2. they want to get out of a relationship and donn’t really know how to, 3. want to get back at there partner for some reason. Look if you have cheated on someone in the past chances are you are going to do it again. TEACH YOURSELF SELFCONTROL.
I’m totally in love (and by in love, I mean I have a crush that has lasted for over a year) with a guy who has a gf of 4 years. For a year now, he has periodically made a point to remind me of how attracted he is to me and how I make him doubt his gf. In fact, he’s even stopped hanging out with me face to face because he told me I’d ‘make him cheat’ on her. He and I didn’t talk for a couple of months…I left him alone…until last night….he and I talked for 3 hours. The same stories all over again about him wanting me. WTF. I do want him, but who here thinks his gf would consider this cheating?
I agree with what everyone has said about the circumstances. I’ve cheated, and I did regret it, but I was younger and have learned it’s not worth it. It really depends on who you are with and who you are.
“Like most other people, I tend to think that cheaters are the scum of the Earth and that they should be ostracized from society to sufficiently pay for the way they deeply hurt their partners by doing something so stupid.”
Um… y so srs? Really, we dont own eachother. We arent programmed to be monogomous either. Boo hoo, someone hurt your feelings, they dont deserve to be a part of the human race anymore? No, I dont think so. I agree that in the right circumstances (Super serious relationship/engaged/married, Deep trust, Multiple ‘cheatings’, Lying) that you are correct with what you said, but otherwise not at all. Its wrong to lie and such but your BF/GF doesnt fucking own you.
bri, it doesnt require owning your partner to expect that they simply be faithful. honestly, if my partner did that to me, i would be so brokenhearted that it would be the end of it all. i expect faithfulness as a requirement in a relationship… and if anyone cant simply give that to me, i cant give it to them. if you cheat you simply dont care about that person at all, because it isnt that hard to not have sex with someone. i have never done it, and never would, because i have a basic level of self-control, and would feel bad doing it even if i was hypothetically unsatisfied in my relationship.
heather, i agree but mostly i was referring to two things. First was I said that if you are in a serious relationship with a lot of trust, then that’s horrible, and second, to how she said that cheaters were the scum of the earth. I think that’s going to far. You’d really put an ex-boyfriend who broke your heart on the same ’scum’-level as a child molester?
If someone’s willing to cheat then they don’t care about their partner enough to be with them, PERIOD. If you really truely love someone there would be no doubt in your mind and you wouldn’t even consider cheating. If you’re having even the slightest doubt about your relationship then why even be in it? If you’re having doubts then they obviously aren’t the person for you, break up with them and THEN hookup with someone else. No matter how much you regret it, or how sorry your partner is, cheating is a clear indicator that you should no longer be together and that they are not the person for you, because if you really love your partner, or they really love you then neither of you would cheat. And I don’t believe the “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I do believe if they cheat on you once they will cheat on you again, because cheating means you don’t belong together and they will just continue to cheat no matter how bad they feel about it. I don’t want to be with someone that obviously doesn’t care about me enough to be with me and only me, so I would end it there and find someone that really truely loved me, or would at least have the desency to be honest with me and tell me they don’t want to be with me anymore instead of cheating on me (which is lying even if they eventually tell you the truth because that trust is broken)
To all the people who say “if you cheat that means you don’t love the person,” I disagree. I just don’t believe that’s true. And on that same note, what about a relationship where the person cheats early on, before they’re for sure “in love” or not, and by the time they are really in love the person wouldn’t cheat on the other person
cheating is disrespectful, you don’t disrespect someone you care enough about to spend the rest of your life with. You just don’t. End the relationship and find someone who either respects you, or you respect. Because relationships where you don’t respect each other don’t work.
cheating i believe is unforgivable because it puts you and your partner at rist of STDs and other bad things (BABIES).
i would think the cheat would be more severe if it was in a LTR rather than a new relationship.
either way wouldnt take them back
Devon,
Honestly, this guy you are mad crushing on will never leave his girlfriend for you. No matter what he says, if he wanted to be with you he would end things with her and be with you. It doesn’t matter if his girlfriend would ever considering cheating or actually cheat. Stop wasting your energy.
In my opinion, when a person cheats there are two options: 1. the one-night stand/random person from bar hookup and 2.affair with coworker/friend/etc. If it was the first case, they could chalk it up to alcohol, stupidity, impulse, lapse of judgment but what’s to guarantee that they won’t do it again when they’re in similar situations? Excuses do not justify it at all. As for the second case, I would be extremely upset at the cheating but also all the things that led up to it…eye contacts, casual flirting, heavy flirting, etc. Every time they cross the line they knew what they were doing, so the betrayal is extreme. In either case, I would end the relationship. That’s not to say that the person can’t change, and we might get back together in the future but staying with a cheater is just a lose-lose situation.
I’ve cheated, been cheated on and been “the other girl” on two occasions. I’ve never known before hand but been more than willing to go back afterwards (whats done is done).
I dont believe women steal men away from thier girlfriends or that men steal women away from thier boyfriends. If somebody is going to cheat they’re gonna cheat if not with you sombebody else and they’ll probably do it again.
unless you married your first boyfriend/girlfriend ever, you are the kind of person that starts new relationships and hurts people, or the kind that simply ends relationships (the “right” way) and hurts people. the point is, people get hurt when you leave them for no reason, or when you leave them for a really good reason, like something better. the question is: how will you take it when you find out yor love is unrequited? blame them all you want for their transgressions, the fact of the matter is, you are devastated. move on.
Well, I think women will never understand what goes through a guy’s head. I cheated, but it was the dumbest thing I ever did and I regret it everyday. It has been years now, and all I think about it how I almost lost her. But, you can’t really take it personally. It has nothing at all to do with the woman. It has to do with a natural, primal need for sex by a man, that women just don’t have. Imagine a woman being asked never to hold a child. Same instinct level. In any event I still regret it even though I know the science was right, but I do admit I think about doing it again every 45 seconds.
I’ve had two boyfriends, and I cheated on the first with the second.
Do I feel bad? Yes. Do I regret it? No.
See, I had a long distance relationship with the first guy. I loved him to death, but we were just growing apart.
I met my new guy. We were friends for a while. Then we sort of started to flirt. That moved on to hand holding, cuddling, hugging, etc.
Boy #1 and I grew apart more. The spark sort of faded, but I had hope we could get back to where we had been. Months go by, and it’s just upsetting to be on the phone with him for an hour and to feel how distant we were.
Boy #2 is always there for me, makes me feel happy, cooks for me when I’m sick. Eventually our hand-holding moved on to making out.
At this point I had to make a decision. 1) Cheat. 2) Leave Boy #1 by dumping him over the phone. 3) Break off contact with Boy #2 until I could control myself.
I cheated. I had my reasons, and though I felt bad, I knew that if I dumped Boy #1 by phone, I’d lose him forever (in a friend sense). At the same time, I couldn’t wait to be with Boy #2.
Boy #1 and I are friends, and much closer as friends now than we were before as long distance partners. I still feel guilty that I lied to him and didn’t have the guts to end the relationship earlier, when I first saw it going down hill.
I’m now dating Boy #2, and going on 9 months. Sometimes he asks me if I’d cheat on him and I don’t know how to answer him. He knew I cheated on Boy #1, and isn’t sure if I would again. I’m not sure either.
After I cheated the very first time, I only had sex with Boy #2. The farthest Boy #1 and I got after I cheated was making-out. I chose to cheat, and in doing that, I think I made a choice to end one relationship soon, and commit to a new one.
I didn’t dump one guy for another. And I didn’t go through a period of being single before I got a new boyfriend. Feelings and developing relationships (or deteriorating old ones) all just happened to overlap for me. So, I just transistioned from one boy to another. By cheating.
Don’t judge all cheaters by the heartless people who do it mindlessly to feel good. Feelings are involved. It’s hard to lie to someone. It’s hard to start something with someone new when you know that they’re thinking about your other partner. It’s really hard sometimes, in some cases, when someone really had to fight with themselves and then STILL the pros of cheating just outweighed other options. I don’t think that “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true. And I don’t think that every single cheater in every single situation is a whore, a jerk, a person deserving to have their mail stolen and rumors spread about. We’re people. We had some rational reasons.
I think that cheating in an engagement or marriage (commitments to be with one and only one person forever) are wrong. But I never told either boyfriend that he was from now on out going to be the only guy who got to fuck me until one of us died…
Sarah,
Your boyfriend is a schmuck, and you’re going to break his heart. You cheated on him once, so you have no respect for him. Eventually, you’re going to hook up with some douchebag and tell yourself that you were entitled to do it.
I hope he figures you out while he’s still young enough to start a family with a woman who’s good enough to be the mother of his children.
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