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Some relationships are hard to define. Some relationships are hard to fit into a category. Most are just flat out HARD! Which is why I decided to stay single. I don’t really have time for all the crap that comes with a boyfriend.
But what’s a girl to do about sex?!?!
I’ve done the one night stands….not fun. For me it just leads to awkwardness and, in some cases, physical pain. But somehow in the craziness that was my freshman year, I found the wonderful relationship called the Friend with Benefits (or as a friend from home calls them, a bene-friend), who somehow became one of my best friends.
It all started when the girl across the hall decided to introduce me to one of her friends from high school. She thought we’d really hit it off, and surprisingly enough, we did! He was funny, cute, smart, and a total gentleman, which pretty much sums up my qualifications. But this was a week before we’d leave for semester break, so we didn’t really do anything. Until February.
I hadn’t heard from the boy since December and upon logging into Facebook I found unread message from him. Yay! I wrote him back. He wrote me back. We laughed. We exchanged screennames. We started talking on AIM. Then one night we had dinner. Next thing I know we’re laying in my bed naked. I’ll admit, I didn’t want to, but he really did and I still thought he was ridiculously cute, so I had sex with him.
And kept having sex with him. I couldn’t help myself! Lord knows I can’t turn down amazing sex, and believe me, that’s what it was.
Well, about a month in, he drops the bomb; he tells me that he sees me more as a friend and doesn’t want to ruin the friendship like he has in the past. I agree so we decide to be just friends. That lasted about a week. We just couldn’t seem to keep our hands off of each other (seriously…AMAZING sex). Well, a few days later we’re back to, “let’s just be friends. REALLY this time.” And that time it worked.
After all the sex and nakedness was out of the picture I realized that this guy was pretty dang awesome. He listened, he’s the complete opposite of a jerk, and we have the exact same sense of humor. We hung out pretty much every single day. Until…well, like I said, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and were back to doing the no-pants dance after a month. We just simply couldn’t deny it; we found eachother attractive.
So, is he my friend? My friend with benefits? My boyfriend?
After all of this, I’ve learned that some relationships you just can’t seem to put a title on. My relationship status on Facebook says single because, technically, I am. Over the summer we went to our respective homes which are 350 miles apart, and we agreed that if one of us slept with someone else, neither of us would really mind. But we still talked everyday, and I even drove 6 hours to spend a weekend with him (and what a weekend that was!). But now school’s back in session and I get to be back with my…well, I’m not sure what to call him.
He’s my f*ck buddy who just so happens to also be my best friend. And I am totally fine with that.
18 Comments
He is not your boyfriend… but he could be. There’s got to be something deeper going on there… maybe he didn’t want to ruin the friendship then, but what’s stopping him now from taking things to the next level?
Maybe the fact that he gets no-strings-attached sex from you just by being your friend. I don’t mean that quite as harshly as it sounds, but- are you sure about the whole “wanting to stay single” thing? Because I fail to see how much your relationship would change by taking things to a romantic level. Of course, that’s a lot for me to be reading into this short blurb, and you seem to be happy with the way things are.
But I think relationships like this all over America have set the stage for ALL guys to seek out this type of rewarding yet noncommittal relationship instead of actually dating, being in relationships (which can be so HARD!), and developing intimacy with someone outside of the friendship zone. He isn’t, and you’re not, responsible for the emergent hookup culture on college campuses, but it definitely makes you part of the problem.
I think that’s what the “it’s complicated” status is for on Facebook, heh. To Lucyinthesky - why is it a “problem” for you that two people agree to have sex and be friends?
It’s a problem because it doesn’t make any logical sense (and this is no offense to you, Sarabeth, because you can make your own choices that suit your life, as long as you’re thinking about the pros/cons clearly, and you don’t have to answer to me or anyone else).
But I have friends. Lots of them. I don’t have sex with them… because that takes the relationship to a higher level than friendship. If you enjoy being around a person, you want to spend time with them on a regular basis, you are sexually attracted to them (and the sex is great, in this case), and he meets the qualifications for a great boyfriend- how is that NOT a relationship? How would things change for the worse if you decided to call what you’re doing “dating”?
i agree with will its “it’s complicated” this is the same thing i got on fb ,i am going through this and i mentally think friend with extra benifits, but i keep my mind open so it would work any way ,gf or fuck buddy !
To Lucy:
Is the word “relationship” really a big deal? Maybe they just click in every way except romantically and want to take advantage of what they have. You don’t have sex with your friends Lucy, but is Sarabeth you? Some people don’t see sex as anything more than a fun time passer, so why should they be restricted by what society tells them. Your morals are not their morals. Maybe they’ll get bit by this eventually, maybe not, but they have to figure that out for themselves and not be chastised for it because people don’t agree with them.
Really, Sarabeth, it’s all what you want. From what you are saying you two are pretty much a couple anyway without calling yourself that. Do you want to date him? Do you want him to be your boyfriend? The only thing that worries me is when he keeps saying “let’s just be friends.” If you both have so much in common, are really attracted to each other and have great sex, then why be “just friends.”
You can have something totally special that is emotional and wonderful and sexual without it being a relationship. You have a right to not even care if it’s something monogamous or not. As long as you both are happy with whatever it is between you, keep it up! SEX IS NOT A REWARD FOR MEN, lucy. Women who use sex on some barter system for commitment are going to burn themselves one day when both the sex and infatuation fade and they realize their partner wasn’t right for the relationship to begin with. All too many women feel like they have to use sex as leverage to gain commitment from a man. Isn’t this missing the point!? I think so. Keep it up, Sarabeth. You get to stay single and have great sex with someone you respect.
I had one fuck buddy winter of 2007. I guess I liked him enough to date him but wasn’t really looking for a relationship (plus he was already in one, with my best friend, but that is an even more complicated story) but once he was finally single I thought, hmm maybe I would like a relationship, then he disappeared. He turned up again a month later with a new girlfriend looking for more sex from me, that’s when I said “fuck this, I’ll stay single”. Friends with benefits is cool, but not when the guy is a total douche.
But I think if you’re friends with benefits for longer then a couple months and it doesn’t turn into a relationship (actually all of my long term relationships have started out as FWB, even my current BF) then you probably shouldn’t enter into a relationship by that point, because that romantic part is obviously missing.
Yeah, I have to agree with Phil, Lucy. You’re just trying to impose your morals on her as opposed to what she actually views it as. It’s casual sex. That’s really all it is. When you make it a relationship, then you have to care about what they’re doing every day and all that. They’re just best friends that enjoy each other’s company. They’re not obsessive over one another but I think Sara just views it as a convenient friendship.. with AMAZING sex.
Wish there were more girls into casual sex up here.
Wow. There is absolutely NOTHING casual about the things she said about her friend and the way she feels about him. I didn’t say that she should stop having sex with him, either, or that casual sex was morally wrong.
Some of you must think I’m fairly prudish, but it’s not the case. I’ve had “friends with benefits” before (I know, I said I don’t have sex with my friends, this was in the past) and the situation was awkward but satisfying at the time. But there were VERY good reasons why I wasn’t dating those guys… whereas, in this situation, what’s stopping them?
My main point was what Mollie said, although she said it much more eloquently than I did, apparently.
I’d say from my own past experiences, usually the friends with benefits occurs when one person kind of wants a relationship, and the other one just isn’t romantically attracted to the other. (in my cases, me.. lol)
But you’re great friends and end up drunk every now and then and like, “hey! you’re a cool guy!” lol I ended up really hurting 2 of my best guy friends by hooking up with them, but not every situation is like this.
As long as Sarabeth knows for a fact she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with him, I say go for it! But if ther’s any doubt, I’d hold off, because then he’s just taking advantage of you, and you’ll grow to resent him for it later.
Best friend AND great sex?
I want one!
Typically, but not in this case…
Best friend + Great Sex= BOYFRIEND!
what?! I’ll take your offer Caitlin lol. I gots what it takes to be a best friend and I’ll rock your boat for free
I see your future husband, but to be honest, I’d keep him as a bene-friend, if that works with him, until otherwise.
It’ll suck if you ruin your current good relationship, or at least risk ruining it.
I honestly DESIRE this, the closeness of a friend of the opposite sex, without that boundary and limitation of that title (girlfriend/boyfriend). I prefer being free, able to change, but I feel locked down by the title (even though a very large cage) it still is a cage with off limit zones.
But yes, if you can’t keep your hands off him, by all means don’t. I’m just curious, if you were to tell him that things need to end because you have a man at the moment…what will happen, how will he react? I am guessing heart broken, but I do not know him thus I cannot judge his reactions. If it were me, depending on my mood, I’d either shrug it off a cold shoulder, or my face will burn in the heat of anger (jealousy and envy probably, maybe even the feel of backstabbing)
This situation happens when you can’t decide what you want from life. I had also gone through these feelings earlier in my life.
I had one female friend who was married, we were just friends as I respected her a lot but somehow our friendship took a new turn as I got sexually attracted to her many times but could not tell her.
Once, she fell while coming to office & twisted her ankle. I took her to my cabin & she told me to apply balm so that her pain could be subsided. I started messaging her feet & legs. Somehow, she got into a position by which I could see inside her skirt (she had not wore panties that day).
My cock started throbbing fast as I went crazy in my imagination about an unexplored territory. She had seen the up-down movement of my cock even from inside my pants.
She told me calm down & then took my hand to her wet vagina. My heartbeat went up a few notches more. Then, she told me to bolt the door from inside. When I cam back to her, I was shocked to find her without her top, her big breasts were popping out of her bra.
Then, she laid down on sofa & asked me to lick her tits. She was bending over me in a flash & bit & chewed my skin while kissing me hard. She was in a hurry & wanted to suck my cock badly.
I told her what we were doing is not right as she was married & committed to another man but she didn’t listened & unzipped me, taking my testes in her hand & pressing them hard. Now, my cock was red hot & stiff and at her mercy.
She started sucking it so badly that it was painful & sweet at the same time. I released my juices in her mouth as I cummed easily as it was my first experience of sex. Then, she showed me her wet, wild pussy which red hot as melted iron.
This made my cock go crazy again, now I slipped my cock into her vagina slowly & the very fast. She moaned so loudly even other staff in the office must be hearing what is going on inside.
Then, she paid attention to my ass, licking & sucking it madly. She even put her 2-3 fingers inside to make me feel what it’s like to be fucked. Initially, there was pain but then I started enjoying it more. She then asked me to return the favour on her.
I started licking her vagina first & then her beautiful asshole which tasted even better than her pussy. She got aroused again & screamed to put my penis in her ass. She started rubbing my cock to arouse it again & once it was ready, I slammed it in her hole. She wanted me to go fast & I went on & on, there was blood all over since her hole was too tight for my big cock.
She had forgotten her ankle pain, it seemed she had come with an purpose that day & her wish was fulfilled. That was my best moment of my life & i am sure of her’s as well.
My name is also Lucy, not be confused with Lucyinthesky.
I’m a Rhode Islander and have had similar situations. I made the mistake once to over-complicate the friendship-sex-maybe now a relationship thing. To be perfectly honest, sex is a natural thing that occurs between two people (or more, but for situations sake). It doesn’t need to entail a relationship, being a couple, or any associated drama.
To refute what Lucyinthesky says, I can honestly say that I’ve probably had sex with a decent number of my guy friends(I’m using the word probably to encompass some extraneous drunken nights). Sex is a unifier in my mind, it didn’t complicate my friendship or lead me to doubts as mentioned in Lucyinthesky…i think that she buys into the American belief of skepticism in love. If he was there for free sex, he would have probably moved on. I don’t think that he’s blowing smoke out of his ass about just “being friends”. There’s nothing wrong, unnatural, or slimy about being friends with someone and having sex with them. It deepens the relationship. End of story. I’m not a relationship person; I never have been, and plainly put, they are not for me. I think a lot of guys in America are like me in this sense. It’s not some sort of male empowerment where they can take sex for free (*cough* lucyinthesky)…rather he values your friendship. I’m trying not to be very sarcastic, but honest to god…there ARE some decent men out there. They aren’t all hedonists.
I also agree with Johnathan-Wataru…entitlements put strain on relationships. simply put.
Yes, it is possible he enjoys having sex with her and values the friendship and that’s why he says “let’s just be friends” but, it could also be that he likes her enough to call her his friend and have sex with her but not enough to want her to be his girlfriend and thats why he keeps clarifying their just friends. Really, it doesn’t matter as long as she’s fine with the situation at hand.
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