A few weeks back one of our writers started a discussion about the infamous number. No, not your SAT score; the number of people you have slept with. She (ever so eloquently, I must add) offered the idea that any guy worth her time would not care about how many guys had lifted her skirt before.

I really wanted that to be true, but knowing how much people talk about “the number” I had some doubts that anyone would find a guy who would ignore it completely. Clearly people care about the issue - why else would everyone keep track?

I turned to my male friends for some insight: should I worry about how many people I have slept with? Do guys care about my number?

He Said:
What’s in a number? Well, when talking about past partners with your special someone, it’s how many penises have been inside your girlfriend, that’s what. Who she’s slept with is just not a good thing to think about. But does it really matter?

Personally, I could care less. Not that her sexual history isn’t important, but assigning value to the number itself is arbitrary and basically meaningless. As long as I’m not at risk of catching something (which should be confirmed in an entirely different conversation, btw), I don’t see how the number of people makes any difference in our relationship.

That said, I empathize with those of you for whom it does matter. If your girl tells you she’s slept with 10 guys, it feels like she slept with them the night before, not years. Just the thought of her with another person can make you want to puke. That’s only natural–but it’s also foolish.

In the past, if I found out the girl I was seeing had sex with more people than me, it wretched my stomach with jealously. But then I realized that it wasn’t how many people she’s slept with that matters, it’s how she felt about doing the deed(s).

My girlfriend could have had a bukake party in a warehouse in Cleveland and it wouldn’t bother me, as long as she did so with a clear mind and full confidence in herself. Not that I would enjoy the thought. But if she did it because her ex wanted her to, or because she was f**ked up on drugs or because her self-esteem was so low she thought it was the only way to get men to pay attention to her, that would freak me the hell out.

It would freak me out because I find that kind of behavior untrustworthy. If she doesn’t have respect for herself, I believe it’s impossible for her to have real respect for me. Problem is, finding out those kinds of details can be nearly impossible–and it’s all about the past, not the present or future. So instead of asking how she felt at the time about an activity that makes me uncomfortable, I ask how she feels about doing it (or them) now.

If she’s ok with herself and her past, then her “number” shouldn’t be a big deal for you. And if her answer still makes your cringe, you need to get your jealously under control.

She Said:
If all guys are like this guy, then maybe everyone can stop freaking out about all that fun between the sheets. There are so many factors that contribute to “the number” - duration of relationships, age when someone lost their virginity, how old someone is now, etc. - that it is really impossible to judge.

And what number is too high? And who are you to make that decision?

I don’t know if everyone is going to disregard their partner’s sexual history, but they should (unless that partner has some interesting bumps brewin’ downtown). The point is, the whole number thing is irrelevant and inconsequential. What happened in the past is the past. Your partner is with you now, so stop overthinking things and enjoy yourself.