Ah, love. It sweeps through you with undeniable force, filling you alternately with euphoria and dread, making it impossible to concentrate, hold a conversation, or think of anything other than your glorious union with that dude you’ve been boning for the last week and a half. Basically, love is Alzheimer’s.

It provides all the benefits of early-onset dementia (mood swings! personality changes! lack of judgment!) while simultaneously allowing you to spend time with someone you may not recognize a few months from now.

As time passes, your crush will inevitably fade. You’ll stop idealizing your partner and start thinking of him as a person who has some flaws. If he’s basically a good guy, this is a positive development, one more step along the road to Creating a Healthy Relationship with Realistic blah blah Boundaries blah blah Suburbs blah Kids. But if he’s a freak…

Many of us are completely taken aback when our boyfriends reveal some hitherto unknown talent for Olympic-level douchery. But here’s the thing: almost inevitably, when a problem arises, it is related to something your dude already warned you about months ago. You just weren’t listening. Because you had Alzheimer’s.

Well, Alzheim no more! I’ve compiled a handy list of red flags: statements that, even in the throes of passionate week-and-a-half-old love, should make you take a second look at the person you’re dating.

#1:
HE SAYS: “I’m not really looking for a girlfriend.”
THAT MEANS: “I will never be your boyfriend.”

NOTES: Are you OK with never being his girlfriend? If so, mazel tov! If not, well… it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to be in a relationship. Don’t be that girl who thinks she can make a dude’s commitment issues disappear with her vagina.

#2:
HE SAYS: “Some people think I drink too much.”
THAT MEANS: “I need booze to live.”

NOTES: Yes, you’re in college, and everybody drinks. Drinking can be lots of fun. You know what’s not fun?

Being in a relationship with an addict. Think back to the most horrible child you ever babysat – the one who wouldn’t stop putting crayons up his nose, and threw a fit when you tried to stop him. It’s exactly like that, but for “crayons” read “cocaine,” and for “child” read “terrifying man-baby.” At every party, you’ll be the girl going, “honey, maybe it’s not good for you to have that fifteenth beer,” and he’ll be like, “don’t you try to change me,” and then he’ll throw up on you. Stop trying to take care of him and start looking for a guy who knows how to take care of himself.

#3:
HE SAYS: “My ex-girlfriend was such a bitch.”
THAT MEANS: “I am such an asshole to my girlfriends.”

NOTES: Yeah, things didn’t work out, and that’s rough, but the fact that he’s still talking crap about her indicates that he can be petty, resentful, and, frankly, a little trigger-happy when it comes to assigning blame - all qualities you will get to enjoy over the course of your doomed relationship. If you’re one of those girls who honestly believes that EVERYONE he has EVER dated is terrible, and that you are the ONLY non-psychotic female he’s ever touched (because you can save him, of course), well, enjoy it while it lasts. When you break

up, be prepared for people to start asking if you actually kill kittens for fun, or if it’s more of a religious thing.

#4:
HE SAYS: “My ex-girlfriend was so amazing.”
THAT MEANS: “Get ready for some unflattering comparisons!”

NOTES: Look, relationships are about three people - you, your boyfriend, and the Bavarian gymnast you eventually recruit for a three-way when things get boring. His ex might be a Pulitzer-winning underwear model who spends her weekends curing cancer and giving puppies to sad orphans, but unless she was hit by a bus and you met at her funeral, there is no reason to discuss her. He left her, she left him, whatever, it’s over, and you are what’s happening now. Don’t date someone who treats you like a runner-up.

#5:
HE SAYS: “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you.”
THAT MEANS: There’s no verbal translation for this one. Just maniacal laughter and the sound of a revving chainsaw.

NOTES: Someone who is “afraid” that he’ll hurt you is, in fact, going to hurt you. He’s not even afraid of it. He’s actually bragging, in that “I am hot and losing my magical candy penis will no doubt crush your soul” way that dudes still, somehow, believe we find attractive. The “girls love bad boys” myth is the most pernicious excuse for assy male behavior in the history of space and time, and this line manages to be sublimely arrogant while simultaneously making no sense.

Why does he think he can hurt you? And, if he’s going to hurt you, why should you want to hang out with him? Here’s a hint: you don’t. Subject him to the No Sex Penalty immediately, and go find someone who does not aim to disappoint.

[SUPER AWESOME SCREEN CAPTURE taken from sydlexia.com. He is a bad dude! Do not be Player 2!]