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Listening to the drum circle outside my window until 3 AM last night (something that is a nightly occurrence at hippie schools until it gets too cold to light a joint with one hand and play the same rhythm over and over again with the other), I couldn’t help but think back on my last couple of years of college. While I’ve done a lot of cool academic things, met a lot of cool academic (and non-academic people), and learned important life lessons (protip: writing an important paper at 5 AM is just asking for typos), there is one thing I’ve done during my 4 years at school that I now kind of wish I hadn’t: hooked up with random dudes.
Once upon a time, I dated one guy for a long time. But instead of living happily ever after with me, he woke up one day and decided he wanted to “go through an asshole phase” (his words, not mine). After dumping me and proceeding to flirt and hook up with a lot of mutual friends, my once-love promptly forgot all about his sappy promises of “forever” and pretended we had never met.
You could say I was heartbroken.
Because I had always been “a good girl,” I hadn’t really dated around before the Ex, and was pretty flabbergasted at the entire dating process. Plus, I was grieving like some kind of Victorian widow in black and wasn’t thinking straight. Additionally, I was going out and drinking a little more — even though I was completely conscious of the fact that drinking a little more was going to make me cry a little more come hangover time. All of those factors combined meant that I decided my only life choice was to do what all my friends were doing: hooking up with random dudes because I could.
It took me a while to get a lay of the land (haha. Get it?), but after a few stumbles into emotional territory — haven’t you heard? Emotions don’t belong in hook-ups — I totally got the hang of it: meet a guy, make it obvious you’re easy going, be physical early, and then convince him to sleep with you after 1 or 2 dates. Guys are very easily convinced, and playing up my free-spiritedness made it easy for me to seem totally okay with everything. Even though, in the back of my wound-up mind, whenever the guy was snoring too loudly or fumbling around like an idiot, I would fear that I was not made for random hook-ups, I kept at it.
Because everyone was doing it. I’d hear stories and see things on TV and decide time and time again that the whole world was hooking up. This is what new feminism was; taking back your sexual power, doing it because you could, making sure guys didn’t have all the fun.
It’s not like I went crazy, but after a few years I had to use two hands to count the amount of people I had slept with, and for awhile, that was a sense of pride. I had successfully thrown off my clammy good-girlness and had become a woman! …or something.
But always this sense, this weird, little mosquito of a thought, would be buzzing around my brain. I refused to listen to it because I already knew what it was saying and I really didn’t want to hear. This is not what you want…it buzzed whenever I turned over and realized the person next to me was not very attractive, or even cool. This is annoying and not fun and you don’t need this in your life…it buzzed when a guy would become too attached and I knew I was probably going to hurt him. Honestly, whoever this is, it’s not you.
It took me three years to take the earplugs out. Three years to admit the truth. Of course that wasn’t me. Sex is great and I dig it a lot but I’m an independent person - I don’t need the extra awkwardness of a guy I don’t know or even like attached to my hip. I never needed it. What I was looking for was someone to love, and each month, 6 months, year that it didn’t happen…I decided that something had to fill that void. Even if they filled it with bad jokes and boring conversation.
So even though I knew it all along, I decided to admit it to myself last night: I regret almost every guy I hooked up with. I learned things about myself for sure, I learned a good amount about human behavior, but I don’t think I needed an STD scare and a bunch of awkward goodbyes to learn those things, either.
Because no matter how much I cringe, these events are still part of my life, and I’ve allowed myself to become a better, more confident person through them - which is why I’m not crusading against random hook-ups. They can be positive experiences. They can be fun. But letting society or guilt or revenge push you to have them? Take my advice: it’ll never work the way you want it to work, and it’ll never feel the way you want it to feel.
There’s nothing wrong with having fun and loving your sexual side. Love it all day long. But always listen to that little buzzing in your brain. It’s just trying to make sure you treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
13 Comments
You should never regret the past. It was something you wanted to do then and you learned from it. That is not something to regret.
I wonder how many other people feel weird about hooking up with strangers…but just don’t talk about it…
I love that you posted this article. I basically am dealing with all these things due to a very recent hookup.
I realized the next morning (as I usually do) that deep down, it’s just not who I am. I don’t know if I have completely removed my ear plugs yet, but it’s getting there.
And honestly, I wish it would hurry the f*ck up.
I can totally relate to this! After my serious boyfriend of a year broke my heart, I figured I should “have some fun” and not “be serious.” I liked it at the time, but there would usually be that little voice in my head after making me realize that these kinds of hookups are not what I really wanted/ didn’t really make me happy.
Oh, Hampshire drum circles! The memories of the least pleasant part of a new semester…
I’ve never done the random hook-up thing because it’s just not my style, but I can see it’s allure. It’s great that you’re discussing it frankly. I’ve known so many girls who do it because the think, like you said, that it’ll fill a void or prevent further disillusion. I’ve known a lot who also do it because it’s suggested that it’s preferable to the commitment and time of a relationship, which so many people are convinced our generation just doesn’t do.
Props to you for giving the wise advice to not try out something against your character out of spite or pain. Nothing that’s done out of anything other than love ends well.
I recently came across this article, http://womensmediacenter.com/ex/090808.html, which debunks the idea that the majority of college males prefer a multitude of random hook ups and that women are following suit.
It’s also commendable that you’re reflecting on your decisions and how they’ve impacted your life. Another irritating observation on our generation is that we supposedly take too long to grow up and prefer self-indulgence to introspection.
I’m sorry to hear that you feel regret over your past, but I’m glad that you’ve learned what works and doesn’t for you. Some of the best lessons in life come from experiences that cause us pain in retrospect but like Lauren said, it’s what you wanted at the time. No one who appreciates you for the person you are today can judge the experiences that helped you get where you are.
yeah, story of my freshmen year. Although I wasn’t dumped or heartbroken, I had just broken up with my boyfriend on 2 1/2 years the day after highschool graduaton and wanted to be “free” I regret all but one of my hookups, even though none of them were random guys and I knew all but 1 (who I eventually got to know, and despised) extremely well, I still feel disgusting when I think back on it. It was what I wanted at one time, but now I really wish that I hadn’t wanted it.
you ladies should check out this little number
A RETURN TO MODESTY: Discovering the Lost Virtue
by Wendy Shalit
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i went through the same thing a couple of months ago, i’m not religious, i’m not ashamed of my body or myself for that matter, but i’ve reached the point where i thought ‘enough is enough’
i’m no longer interested in totally random physical encounters. its just not for me. i don’t even have a problem with getting attached or anything like that, i just feel really grossed the morning after.
yeah the point of the empowerment of women is not to sleep with people because you can, but sleep with people because you want to… that every womans different and whether they have multiple parters or a couple or only like long-term relationships thats just fine. i think a lot of people are mixing up the messages of feminism with poor results, when really the only message is to do what you want without being judged for it, not to promote some kind of image of what the liberated woman is.
Hey, um, I’m sure you do regret it, but if you’re one of those who don’t get any hookups at all, you’d be regretting THAT even more.
Don’t know if I agree with that Scott. But I do commend you for realizing this…but I wouldn’t regret it. We’ve all made mistakes, nights we wished we never had and hook-ups that never happened, but it does create a foundation for who you are now, in this moment. Mistakes are only that if you don’t learn from them…same as regrets, even if it takes you a while to pull the plugs out.
I so agree with Scott! The random hook-up is not for me either, but it sure can hit the spot sometimes (so to speak!). It never was me, but after my divorce I “tried it”. Mostly it just left me feeling empty because what I really want is someone I can keep. It’s nice to know tho, that while waiting for Mr Right, Mr RightNow is there for me if I need him!!
I know I feel better knowing I’m not the only one who went through that phase. I understand that’s what I wanted at the time but I can’t help wishing I hadn’t done those stupid things. I did learn a lot about myself and what I really want for my life though.
Let me say as a married man who is now out of college for more than a decade, and who didnt really have more than 2 female partners in college, there is nothing I regret more than not hooking up more often. Back then I did party alot and could have hooked up but actually felt guilty about using girls for sex so I didn’t…I had alot more female friends than girlfriends. Nowadays as I come across many attractive & available females at work and elsewhere, I am just constantly kicking myself…
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