I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is - in a word - whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.

Case in Point: His Body Reveals What He’d Never Tell You

This month, Cosmo attempts to decipher the inner workings of the male mind via seemingly trivial physical cues (again.) You’re man’s scratching his ear? He’s prob cheating on you. What’s that? He blinks more than 50 times in a minute? His favorite sports team is winning. Seriously though, the things that Cosmo interprets from the following random body language are hardly the earth shattering revelations I thought I was in for.

Printed to the nines in red and black boldface, I immediately assume that this article contains crucial, non-regurgitated info. What I find is quite a lot of previously printed concepts, some “DUH” points, and (obv) euphemisms for penises.

Pose 1: Oddly Distracted
Cosmo Says: If your boy is “flitting” around the house “erratically” doing things like “getting a drink from the fridge, talking on the phone and compulsively checking his e-mail,” then he is undeniably feeling stupid about something he did.
Kari Says: Can’t a brother be late for class? I mean, yes, Cosmo, I know that “men aren’t natural multitaskers,” but I have met men capable of doing three things simultaneously. Espesh if said man is preparing for a busy day of work/ school/ any other time consuming event. Additionally, I feel that this behavior is warranted should the boy in question be thirsty, expecting an important message from a professor or boss, or happen to have a social life that requires cellular contact.
Verdict: This one is a long shot, Cosmo. Yes, he may be hungover or sheepish, but not necessarily regretting something he did (in fact, I very rarely meet men who regret any of their idiotic decisions…). I will, however, take you up on that suggestion to “slowly go up to him from behind and envelop him in a hug.” Mmm, pecs…

Pose 2: Slumped Posture
Cosmo Says: He feels inadequate, especially if he’s holding his crotch.
Kari Says: Subtle. Verrry subtle, Cosmo. And thank you for informing me that men view their schlongs as extensions (tee hee) of their manhood. If my man ever “loses a huge account at work, misses the three point shot at the championship game, or learns that my ex has sold his website for a ton of money” I’ll keep an eye out for this pose.
Verdict: I get the slumped shoulders “sad little school boy” idea, but I have a feeling that if I needed to read this article to understand that this meana he’s bummed or feeling less than macho, I’m not the person he wants to discuss his immense failures with.

Pose 3: Closed Off Pose
Cosmo Says: If he’s hunched over, “chest concave and belly button facing the door and his head down in a concentrated facial expression” he obviously needs some space.
Kari Says: RIGHT ON, Cosmo! You definitely got this one right. When I see my boyfriend strike this pose, you best believe I need (and want) to give him space–this is the ultimate man pose while occupying your formerly tranquil bathroom. I am going to pass though, on grabbing a book or magazine and sitting quietly near him. I’m not into that.

Pose 4: Defensive Stance
Cosmo Says: If he looks angry, sounds angry, and is flaring his nostrils while “looking down his nose at you,” he is most likely angry.
Kari Says: No sh*t, Sherlock. I know I am supposed to “display a non-threatening posture” and roll my shoulders down (whatever that means), but the only thing I will be rolling are my eyes if my boyfriend ever “looks down his nose at me.”
Verdict: Boys get angry. They puff out their chests and try to make steam come out of their nostrils. But I refuse to creep quietly into a corner while he pretends to be Tarzan. I’ll handle this my way and send him back to pose numero dos in no time.

Pose 5: Pulling His Collar
Cosmo Says: When my man is under pressure, he will scratch his neck and pull at his collar while plotting an escape from the room we are in.
Kari Says: At first, nothing. Too busy rocking out to Queen and David Bowie…Under pressha!
Alright, Cosmo, I think that men can find more effective stress management techniques than f**king up their dry cleaning or inducing a case of hives. And obviously I’ll offer up some calming shiatsu or charmingly distracting banter…but if he’s mid-term paper or crunching numbers for something work related, I know to stay out of his way.

Despite all that boring and non-earth shattering information, Cosmo, I did enjoy your suggestion of asking “What can I do to help you relax right now?” That is definitely something we can both enjoy.

Come back next month for more Cosmo shenans!