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I’ve been single for well over a year and I have truly enjoyed every moment of it. Especially those no-strings-attached moments between the sheets.
For the past year I have enjoyed new experiences, new men, new positions and a whole new chapter of my life. Having recently gained the self-confidence to approach a man, I took charge of my sexuality and decided it was time to let loose a little bit and have a good time.
And that was the best decision EVER.
Recently, though, I was set up on a date. Not really looking for anything serious at the moment, I only agreed to the whole event to appease my friend. But as soon as the boy came to pick me up I was glad that I did.
He was cute. He was smart. He was funny. And he was a total gentleman.
At the end of the evening I thanked him for dinner and awkwardly dodged his attempts at a kiss by slamming my apartment door in his face. Smooth, I know.
It was not like I didn’t want to kiss him – in fact, I wanted to do a lot more…in the shower – it was just that, well, I didn’t know how. I haven’t kissed someone I actually liked in a really long time. The last 10 guys I kissed, in fact, had names I could not recall and happened in a dark corner in a gross bar. The kiss almost always led to sex, which was always lots of fun, but was always purely physical, carnal, and fueled by too much alcohol.
In other words, the only “feelings” involved in the whole exchange were the feelings that were happening below the belt.
I knew I would never see the guys again, so I never really cared how things turned out. I didn’t think about what I looked like naked. It didn’t matter if they ever wanted to see me again. I just wanted to have a good time and be home in time for breakfast the next morning.
With each passing Walk of Shame, though, sex changed for me from an expression of feelings to nothing more than a physical act with a very happy ending (if I was lucky). And I never noticed - until now, that is, when I find myself faced with potential feelings and no clue how to act on them.
I don’t regret the past year of my life, but I do question if treating sex as a light hearted and fun activity has permanently desensitized me to the emotional aspect of it all. I am afraid that my life as a single, sexually uninhibited woman has made me incapable of anything more and that sex can never be anything besides a drunken quest for physical satisfaction.
I think I’m ruined.
23 Comments
God, I hope people like you get AIDS and then you will have somthing to lament about.
Wow, I hope people like you, Rovelyn, get a life.
Rovelyn’s a bitch.
What an awful thing to say, Rovelyn!
Noa, you’re not ruined. You’re a empowered female who knows how to have fun and enjoy her body, which is an amazing quality that not just anyone has.
I was recently in a similar situation, and I moved too fast and it turned out the guy was so NOT not ready for a mature relationship, with both an emotional AND sexual side all from the start. My only piece of advice is to take it slowly, and let him make all the first moves EVEN IF you’re dying to just get him naked already.
I hope things work out with you even though they didn’t for me!
I think that your first sexual experience with someone you really like may not feel that way, but…
In my experience, there will be a moment (maybe the 1st time, maybe the 10th time) where you definitely feel the difference, and you realize that there is emotion behind the motions!
I often wonder about people like Rovelyn.
1) Are they just upset because they don’t get any attention?
2) Are they just some bible thumper who thinks everyone else will go to hell anyways?
Dear Rovelyn, get over yourself!!
whoa rovelyn needs to shut her mouth.
Noa can do what she wants and pleases, i think rovelyn has been living in a convent
you’ll find it again.
i did.
and i hope rovelyn gets aids
Despite working online, it still amazes me how unspeakably cruel some people can be online…how Rovelyn could hope anyone - even her worst enemy - would get AIDs is beyond me.
Shame, because you wrote a terrific article! I’m a 34 year old t-shirt and fashion designer now, but you took me back so far, it was like brushing the cobwebs from my face!
You’re not ruined, and you’re not permanently desensitized. If anything, you’re lucky, because when sex and emotion finally come back together for you, you’ll get to discover the whole nerve-tingling, heart-thudding aspects of it all over again, with the added bonus of between-the-sheets experience to make the sex even hotter.
Unless something psychologically traumatic happend, no one is ever permanently desensitized from the emotional connection of it all. You just have to make the “act” as absent as the emotion for a little bit of a while.
Noa, here’s an ironclad way of getting the link between emotions and sex back together again. In short, time & abstinence. Hey, ain’t no one said everything you want in life would be easy for you to get.
In long explainatory terms: Here you have a chance to tell him “you want to wait until the time is right” all over again. Meanwhile, you’re vigoriously avoiding not only sex with others, but sex with yourself (that’s right girlfriend, put the vibrator and your fingers away). It helps if you’re spending yours nights sleeping somewhere inhibited to such acts under the sacks. For example, your parents house, an all girl slumber party (in your case), working a slow third shift PT job (to still get your rest in here & there), working out the horny build up at the 24hr gym, keeping busy everytime you’re feeling a little frisky. In the end, you’ll know when it’s not a physical thing anymore. It’ll probably be that moment when you’re (sober) sitting there staring into his eyes at lunch, while he goes on explain how something works or how well a sports player plays. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Telling him this might be throwing him a curve ball, but if he really wants a long term relay with you, then he’ll understand without you having to explain entirely why. And there’s my two wooden cents.
Mr. Maige Dot Matthews
Who does Gmail?
Red, Just curious, but how does being promiscuous make you an empowered female? I went through a promiscuous stage and to me it was about immaturity, about NOT knowing what I wanted, about giving into my wants instead of taking control of them. To me, being able to control my wants and desires makes me feel much more empowered.
Rovelyn! i hope that you save ur self for marriage, and your loving husband gives you aids.
or i hope you stop being such a bitch so that no one else has to wish aids upon you
This post really hit home for me because I’m feeling the same way. It feels so weird finding something that might be real and actually telling the real one to wait or trying to make yourself slow down for him when you’ve spent so much time just having fun and doing things with random people. I hope you find the kind of love that you’re looking for, even if it takes awhile.
I can completely relate, but instead of realizing that I actually liked the guy I just jumped into bed with him. Needless to say things didn’t really workout and I’m now learning the lesson you did, but with a bit more heartache! I’ve had so much fun and learned so much about myself over the last 8 or 9 months, but sometimes I wonder if it was really worth it.
Rovelyn. that is an awful awful thing to say. #1. wishing someone to die is a bit extreme. #2. AIDS is a very harsh not to mention extremely painful and drawn out that I hope a compassionate human being would not want to wish upon any one else.
To you the writer: I know exactly what you feel, I went through the same thing myself. The key is to remember what it felt like to be with those guys you didnt care about and transition that carefree nature into a controlled sense of self-confidence in a real life situatio with a guy you care about. If the guy is worth it at all he wont care about your silly mistakes or body or any of that. Just be real and truthful.
I went through this stage too, except I was mostly just hooking up with my friends I’d always been kind of attracted to. Then when I got a steady booty call, it eventually morphed into a relationship somewhere along the line so there was no awkward transition from sex to love, it just happened. I don’t think it works like that normally, but I feel like it’s almost something you want to get out of the way. I don’t recommend it for everyone, and that might make you look kind of easy I guess, but sometimes giving into your animal instincts early can get that tension gone and you can focus on making love when there’s actually love to make.
oy yoy casey (what up girl!) and i find ourselves again in this situation where we have to somehow express how promiscuous ҂ (doesn’t equal) empowerment. i think almost EVERYONE here went thru this phase. i did after a traumatic break up after 4.5 years, and sex was more about rebellion than anything else to me. i look back and i have to admit i’m pretty displeased with my previous choices but i guess it’s all in the school of life. I think NOA had an epiphany that hey, maybe random sex really doesn’t do it for me anymore. i hope this dude ends up being awesome and hold out just a little longer bc when you finally give in it will be that much more satisfying!
I agree with Casey. I don’t see the link between being promiscuous and being empowered. I don’t see a problem with being promiscuous. Who anybody wants to hook up with is his/her own choice. I just don’t see a reason that women talk about being empowered because of it. You hook up when and who you want to, I think it’s as simple as that. It makes you feel good to go and have sex and feel attractive/wanted. I’m not sure if there’s really much more beyond that.
I’m sure your mothers, who spent years fighting for womens equality, would be so proud to know that you college-age women are now using it as an excuse to sleep around under the guise of empowerment. It’s a shame that your generation thinks that female empowerment is throwing your body around for your own satisfaction and “doing it like a dude.” What a joke. What a waste. I feel sorry for your generation - you have been so desensitized to sex that you have to question whether you’ll ever be able to have the emotions that are supposed to go with it. Maybe you should take a second to re-evaluate what you are really looking for. I bet it isn’t just a good lay.
This story is a great example of why men should avoid college girls. Guys, if you’re still in college, go find yourself a full-grown woman (30 should do it), and let these silly little bimbos like Noa spend a decade or so crashing and burning after one-night stands.
If some chick told me that she wanted to “wait until the time was right”, and I found out that she was banging other guys, I’d not only drop her like a bad habit, I’d give any of my friends a warning to keep their distance.
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