(In our first ever weekly installment of G.W.W.E [Guys We Want to Eff], we decided to tackle the possibly oily but strangely hot Jeremy Piven.

If you have an expensive cable package, you love him as Ari on Entourage, and if you’ve only got basic, you love him from the small to medium roles he’s played in tons of various movies that were not always good. Now, on with the GWWEeeing…)

Two Sundays ago, the Emmy’s were on. I don’t watch the Emmy’s because they’re boring and everyone is always thanking God — who probably doesn’t give a crap about your little gold statue when there are wars and famines going on all over the globe — but I happened to switch over to it during a commercial break from TLC’s Incredible Medical Mysteries (best show ever. TiVo it NOW).

The part of the snooze-fest I ended up catching was Jeremy Piven’s heartfelt acceptance speech for his 3rd Emmy for Entourage. And something just…happened. I was inexplicably drawn to his chiseled boyish middle-agedness. My insides got all hot and tingly. There was a need to see what he was rocking underneath that tux.

Maybe it was his fantabulous hair plugs. Or wig. Maybe it was his new cut bod. Maybe he went to a voodoo lady and found a potion to make girls almost 20 years his junior want to eff him. Whatever he did. It worked. I want to eff all 43 years of him.

I only wish the rest of the Internet would jump on the bandwagon and stop skimping my provocative Piven on the web love. As you can clearly see from the picture on the left, there is only one fan page dedicated my new sexy time fantasy, and it is lame. I think it was put up in 1999 and hasn’t changed since. Plus, nowhere on the site does it state “I want to eff Jeremy Piven.” How can you have a fan site and not want to eff the guy?

Apparently, some people think he’s kind of a man-slut who might have a ‘tude, but I can deal with a ‘tude. Especially if the ‘tude comes from a hot guy who’s been practicing yoga for 15 years. So he might be a little in love with himself. What actor isn’t? And maybe he likes models with big fake boobs. I don’t have big fake boobs but I still want to eff him.

Hellllo. Have you seen that trademarked smirk? Most of the time smirks are hot. And Piven’s is no exception.

So yeah. I want to eff Jeremy Piven. And he’s in New York right now. So maybe I can throw on a fake platinum wig and make sh*t happen.