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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last four years, it’s this: Girls. Dig. A**holes.
Seriously. There are a lot of us who actually ENJOY meeting - and dating – this special breed of douche.
Okay. I might be EXTREMELY overgeneralizing here, but I have seen a wide range of chicks fall for guys who treat them like absolute sh*t. I’ve seen girls who stick with their sub-par lovers for years and can’t give you a straight answer as to why they put up with it.
I probably fall into this category as well; nice guys like me all the time, yet I constantly shy away from them in favor of their more dramatic/mysterious/douchebag-y counterparts.
This might be like flossing a dead horse - or watching a Tina Fey as Sarah Palin SNL skit (again, not that I’m complaining!), but seriously, why the hell do nice guys finish last? And whose fault is it, really?
1. Girl mistakes cockiness for confidence. Because we live in an individualistic society that stresses the importance of CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM and GOING FOR THE GOLD (no matter how you get there), it is totally possible to perceive straight-up cockiness as a public display of confidence. However, in the case of the A**hole, the guy isn’t just confident - he’s practically narcissistic. He basically feels NOTHING for any other human beside himself. So, by the time the Nice Girl realizes said dude will never care about anything other than his hair, his car and sticking his you-know-what into every willing hoo-ha in town, she’s already said the “L-word” and picked out future children’s names.
2. Girl thinks she can change the bad boy. Women are natural nurturers. We like to take care of stuff, like our best friends and our nails and our MAC makeup collection. We play therapist to most everyone in our lives. It makes us feel good to make other people feel good. So, when Nice Girl meets a guy who has some issues - like being unable to emotionally connect with other people, and/or maintain a solid relationship, or has cheated on past girlfriends – Nice Girl always thinks that SHE is obviously the one who can change the A**hole’s deviant ways. Realistically, she knows this isn’t true. But we all want to believe that we are that special girl.
Eventually though, Nice Girl learns that A**hole will never change, but she sticks around because she’s still in love with the concept of who A**hole COULD be, if he only stopped hanging out with that crowd/gave up drinking/got a new job…none of which will ever happen. Girl digs A**hole because she genuinely believes that underneath all the B.S. there is a knight in shining armor just BEGGING to be set free and show up on her doorstep with a bottle of red wine and a copy of “Baby Mama.” There’s not.
3. Girl lacks confidence. Of course, we can’t blame EVERYTHING on the A**hole. According to The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” I don’t think I could have said it better. Sometimes, we find ourselves attached to the A**hole because we don’t believe that we can find anyone else, or perhaps we don’t even know anything better exists. It does.
4. Chivalry kinda sorta scares Girl. Although Girl doesn’t want to admit it, being treated well sometimes feels kind of awkward. When we go out with a Nice Guy, we know he’s going to do all the “typical” gentleman-ly stuff, like open our car doors and hold our hand while walking down the street. Sometimes, this is just plain weird and makes us feel kinda funny. Nice Guy virtually loses all unique points when he acts like this because Nice Guys all. act. the. same. way. They wait too long to make a move, they call too often and they are just too damn nice.
5. Girl likes the chase. Seriously, who doesn’t? Sometimes Nice Guys are just too easy. We like it when guys don’t give in to us right away. It’s exciting and it gives us something to daydream about when we’re bored in English Lit. Lame? Yes. Understandable? Definitely.
6. Finally, sometimes A**holes just really know how to play the game. They can thoroughly convince us that they are indeed a Nice Guy when the complete opposite is true. When our friends start to point out several signs of their douchebaggery, we have a “talk” with A**hole and he convinces us that our friends are batsh*t crazy and watch too much Sex & the City and that we have nothing to worry about. The A**hole will do anything he can to prevent Nice Girl from seeing his true colors….and he’s damn good at it, too.
That’s all I got. What do you lovely CC readers think – why do girls like assholes?
[Photo from kit haselden’s flickr]
39 Comments
So Spencer Pratt is your dream man?
I’d rather dreams about “nice guys” like Ryan Gosling, thank you.
Four, five, and six completely contradict anything good this article had going for it(points 1 and 2). Its sad tho, i’ve seen so many good guys turn into assholes cause girls spend all their time chasing other guys. Circle of life: fuck the asshold guy, marry the nice guy when your 40.
i meant to say asshole guy, not asshold
Yeah I find myself go for jerks all the time. I broke up with the only nice boy I dated after 3 weeks because he was just so nice that he basically let me step all over him. I guess we girls just like the challenge and nice guys are just too nice to make themselves challenging…
Five and six…
it is terrible but it does seem like guys can be “too nice..”
After dating an asshole for over a year, I am finally single and looking for a nice, smart, dork! I’m tired of the bad boy, cocky asshole!
I cannot agree more with everything! Guys do seem “too nice” sometimes… I was out with a date with one guy who was really nice and it freaked me out so badly cos he was doing everything right! And sometimes, the chase is fun but I’ve learned to believe that you do have to let the guy chase a little… be it an asshole or a nice guy.
So your saying I should start treating women like dirt…
No way. I HATE A-holes. I’ll have a nice guy who is prepared to treat me right, make me laugh, hug me when I’m sad, not intentionally upset me in the first place, AND who is as sexy as possible, thanks.
I really don’t see the appeal of assholes. Yeah, they’re hot, and I may swoon, but I always find nice guys so much hotter. I have to like the whole package before doing anything with a guy. I don’t care if I’m weird, I’ll end up happier!
I can’t help but pretty much agree with what you said. Maybe not really terrible a**holes but just guys who have a streak of badness in them.
Girls enjoy the idea of reforming a man — it gives them a sense of purpose, as though the man is a project she must succeed in shaping into Mr. Perfect. There’s always this element of “You never know…” and the hoping that he *might* just grow up one day.
This hope keeps the a**hole love alive.
And if she is happy putting up with his nonsense and he is happy behaving like a total douchebag, then I guess nobody should judge them. (See Heidi and Spencer as a classic example)
The simple fact of the matter is that this is just human evolution. 5000 years ago, women went for the bad guys because they were stronger and smarter, exactly the qualities you want in a prehistoric mate, except, those bad guys kept those women around in what was called polygamy,. Since this practice has long since been disbanded, we have this game we call dubious monogamy, a
The simple fact of the matter is that this is just human evolution. 5000 years ago, women went for the bad guys because they were stronger and smarter, exactly the qualities you want in a prehistoric mate, except, those bad guys kept those women around in what was called polygamy,. Since this practice has long since been disbanded, we have this game we call ‘dubious monogamy’, a one off version of the game ‘monogamy’, not to be confused with monopoly. I admit I enjoy playing ‘monogamy’ quite a bit, although its only being aware of our existence to admit the fact that the only reason we have the concept of a monogamous relationship in our culture is because it was enforced down on us by religion.
God either truly loves us, or is sitting there laughing at us while we try to fight our inner nature, perhaps that’s the point though.
#6 on the list is SO TRUE. I have been a victim of that before…damn A**holes.
By the way, “Anonymous Coward” you should really check on your biology/history. Evolution takes a HELL of a lot longer than 5000 years. And since when does being a nice guy mean you aren’t smart? Also, in prehistoric times they didn’t have the developed society that we have today. That society is the reason we even perceive people as a**holes in the first place.
it has nothing to do with evolution
It is basic chick logic. If he is nice to me there must be something wrong with him. If he treats me like the pig that I am he must be quite a catch. I had a friend in college 6′4″ tall well built and man pretty. The kind of guy that really turned heads when he walked into a room his problem is he was a nice guy and treated his girlfriends like ladies. I never saw any guy get abused by women women like him. He had two seperate girlfriends tell him they were saving themselves for marriage while sleeping with other men. Another friend of mine while he was attractive he was nothing real special but he treated every woman he met like a complete pig. He repeatedly dumped his girlfriend right before holidays and her birthday so he wouldn’t have to buy her a gift. She always took him back and he always and two or three lined up waiting for him to dump her.
This article describes me to a T! I always find myself gravitating towards the assholes and most of my friends are that way too. I definitely agree that I like the “chase” or challege of the douchebag/asshole guys. Nice guys are boring most of the time. The ideal guy would be a mixture between an asshole and a nice guy (but not a push-over). I don’t think this mixture exists but it’s a nice dream…
It’s the Woody Allen logic applied to dating: “I would never want to be a member of a club that would have ME as a member.”
So many girls have self-esteem issues that they feel like a guy who treats them well must be some kind of loser.
Aholes for the most part are aholes. Rude, loud, arrogant, lazy, dumb? Nice guys can be offputting too, way too needdy, attached, predictable. Its probably a blend of clever aggression and manners that does it for me!
caitlin
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I’m quite content with my sweetheart of a boyfriend who opens doors for me, asks me how my day was, and kisses my forehead.
I think most girls just like the drama of being with jerks. I guess it makes certain they’ll always have something to complain about.
Hey, I’ve got an idea for all the women - stop watching soap operas! Iam a former ‘way too nice guy’ and a current ’sometimes can be too much of an asshole’ guy. What’s really funny about this whole thing is that I used to get laid more as a nice guy, but have found more lasting relationships as an asshole, but that’s because of my personal choices in women then and now. Women seem to like the drama attached with an asshole the same way the plastic people on soap operas do. An exciting life is not necessarily a good life and if you think you can change an asshole, you are dead wrong. If you want a guy that you can mold, go with a nice guy, but understand you will probably be bored with him when you are done and will not stay with him.I am an asshole simply because I am brutally honest and I feel this helps weed out all the drama. Most women don’t like like to hear the nasty truth, they would prefer the sugary lies, but the contradiction here is that women like the security of being with a guy like me that can protect them even if they don’t like what I have to say all the time. ..but once the girl finally realizes that I am truly a guy with good intentions that just has some rough edges, the relationship usually falls apart from there. Get your heads out of the drama ladies!!!
…by the way, the term is ‘flogging a dead horse’, not ‘flossing’ it
i see other women do this, especially when they think they can change a man, but i always broke up with guys that were assholes, and for me it was the nice one that finished first. i got enough stress, i dont need any more of it from a man.
this is perfect example of girls/ladies/women not knowing what they want. on the one hand, they will say “i’m tired of these aholes treating me like dirt! i want a nice guy.” then, they get a nice guy and say “damn this guy is so boring! i want the excitement of a bad boy (aka the ahole)”. they get back with the ahole (probably the same one as before!) and it happens all over agin.
wash, rinse, and repeat.
6.] that our friends are batsh*t crazy and watch too much Sex & the City and that we have nothing to worry about.
Um , un-whatever, un-engaged, and un-married friends are batsh*t insane.
The foundation of a successful relationship is keeping other people mostly in the dark. You want a relationship therapist? That’s fine, just don’t blah, it’s ugly and hurtful and the funny thing is that friends get jealous of happiness, everyone LOVES to be the shoulder to cry on but few are truly happy with others. Dirty laundry(i.e. each others habits and the dis-agreements between two strong-willed people) is very un-sexy, you talk crap about the relationship and you ruin it.
I don’t maybe this is the nice guy or the asshole telling you this. What do you think?
ACTUALLY. Girls who have no self respect love assholes.
I have met a few guys who are very, very, good looking but are huge assholes . That equals the biggest turn off EVER. Then they become really ugly in my eyes. I can see they are obviously overcompensating for some insecurity they are not man enough to deal with.
You gotta be down to earth, polite, and honest with yourself.
It’s classic enabling and denial. It’s always easier for us to make all the problems in a relationship someone else’s fault rather than looking at and dealing with our own. As long as he’s the a**hole dishing out total crap behaviour, I get to focus on that drama rather than deal with what’s really hurting in me that’s attracted me to this guy in the first place. If I’m unconsciously supporting his dysfunction, I’m also unconscious of my own emotional issues - self-esteem/worth etc. Ride the drama wave rather than stop and dig deep where it hurt.
lol “Circle of life: fuck the asshold guy, marry the nice guy when your 40.”
hahaha is asshold a new way to say gay?
I’ve seen this over and over and over with many of my friends both female and male. I’ve seen girls get and stay with guys who beat the hell out of them on a regular basis. I’ve never understood it. I never will. I don’t understand the opposite phenomenon of men staying with women who are obviously using them either. I’m inclined to just say some people are just masochists.
Assholes make for hot sex amirite?
Nice guys aren’t good at whipping?
Any bitches wanna get F@cked? I’ll f@ck all you bitches in the asshold!
I agree with just about everything you are saying. I am a guy that all the girls see as a “nice guy”. Ya they all like to tell me how nice I am or how much of a gentlemen I am but when it comes to comparing me to an “a**hole” I always lose. Guess the world works in weird ways huh?
This is true, this is pretty close to what the mystery method teaches nice guys, make the girl feel like your the prize and dont show interest in her.
I definitely agree with number 6. I recently was hanging out with a guy and he took me places, gave me things, cooked for me, etc. but after the first time we had sex (and its not like I rushed into it), he basically peaced out and doesn’t talk to me anymore. I feel like that was his ultimate challenge, and once he got it he didn’t need/want anything from me anymore, even the friendship we’d had
:(
I am also a nice guy and recently my relationship has been slowly worsening, i do not know what i did to drive her away but we talk less and less everyday, she says it would probably turn her on if i was an ass to her but i just dont have it in me to do so, im a genuine nice guy, i dont like assholes or that they are picked over us daily, we get dumped when all we have tried to do is make her as happy as possible, for the guy who is gonna treat her like shit. but, nothing else in life is fair why should this be =/
The nice guys posting here have to recognise the difference between being nice and being boring! Its not enough just to be nice, you have to have a bit of something else. Its good to be polite but you have to do the other stuff too.
Tell women that you want to do disgusting things to them, argue with them, if they like you they dont mind that! Take them somewhere nice for dinner but then get them home and bend them over the table and give them a good seeing to.
Works for me.
any thing
Who is the chick on the left? (in the photo above). Damn she’s shapely and I could wear her a$$ out, with fury.
Girls must have extremely low self-esteem to be with an a-hole. Why would anyone in their right mind be with someone who puts them down; manipulates them or just blatantly makes them feel like s*it.
I have no sympathy for women who can’t understand a bad relationship. It’s not f-ing rocket science.
I don’t know. It just seems like most assholes are more physically attractive than the nice guys for me.
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