I was sitting in a diner yesterday with a couple of friends, when two of the guys I was with got to talking about how they were certain that they could hit on/go home with/bang the hell out of their waitress. Apparently, their waitress had been giving them the eyes from the moment they sat down, and, while they didn’t feel that she was most attractive girl they’d ever seen, or even the most attractive waitress they’d been served by this weekend, they both thought it’d be fun to see if they could pull off the pick-up.

As it happens, trying to pick up waitresses is truly one of the fun pastimes for a lot of guys, because the waitress/customer relationship eliminates the potentially awkward and messy scene that often plays out when a guy tries to approach a random girl. In a restaurant, where the waitress typically starts the conversation, a guy will be more at ease, and will usually be much more comfortable spitting the proverbial game

Now, as far as I know, there is no correct way to try and pick up a server. The usual and easiest course of action is simply to get a pen and write your name and number on the receipt or a business card and then hope for the best. I’m not saying that this method is always successful; in fact, it almost never works. But if you’re going to try and pick up the person who is bringing you bacon and eggs, a witty note with a phone number is generally the best course of action. All of which brings me back to yesterday.

One of the guys, who we’ll call Guy A, wanted to write down his digits, but no one in our party had a pen. Instead of simply asking another employee for a pen (because, c’mon, that would have been FAR too easy), Guys A and B proceed to hatch what may have been the most elaborate (and idiotic) plan that I’ve ever heard.

“Operation Waitress Tag-Team,” as the plan became known (ok, not really, but how funny would it have been if they were actually calling it that?) called for Guy A to purposefully leave his phone on the table. But before doing so, he was to reprogram Guy B’s number in his phone so that when Guy B called, the ID wouldn’t say “Guy B.” Instead it would say, “Hey waitress, pick up the damn phone!” So the two guys would leave, and then start calling incessantly until the waitress picked up the phone. Yeah, ok.

Forgetting for a second the fact that Guy A was purposefully planning on losing his phone, does anyone see any additional problems with this plan? For one, the entire operation would be immediately thwarted if a busboy cleaned the table (which IS their job after all) and happened upon the phone. Assuming the busboy could even read the new caller ID message (OK, that’s a little mean, I admit), the chances that he would get that phone into the right waitress’ hands is slim to none.

Moreover, as much as girls claim to love spontaneity and elaborate planning, isn’t there anyone who thinks that said waitress might be a little weirded out by two guys who leave a phone behind and then reprogram the caller ID into the phone just to get her attention? Especially when a simply note with a phone number on it would have achieved the exact same result? The whole scheme just seemed a bit too far-fetched for me.

And so, while Guys A and B were discussing exactly how many letters the caller ID screed would display, I asked a different waiter for a pen and solved everyone’s problems. Guy A wrote down a few choice words, and we promptly bolted the diner.

Did the note work? I have no idea. But at least Guy A was able to keep his cell phone, and quite possibly saved himself from the embarrassment of calling his own phone and hearing a deep voice on the other end say, “Hola?”