I have always felt that most of the sex tips dispensed in magazines such as Cosmopolitan are completely ridiculous and unappealing. Not only to me, but for a guy too. Can you imagine telling a guy you were going to “tie a shoelace at the base of his manhood and pull it tighter during oral sex?” Sounds like some sort of ancient torture method, yet, it was actually ran in the magazine as a tip.

Well, luckily, the NY Post set out to see what men really think of some of Cosmo’s more common tips. They interviewed a number of different New York men on each of the different suggestions.

I have to say that their reactions were hilarious, and similar to what I was thinking about these pretty stupid and weird moves that supposedly “all men crave.” Maybe the two sexes really aren’t so different after all. I mean, if we can come to a concensus on Cosmo’s sex tips, then really, what can’t we agree on?

What follows are each of the silly “boundary-pushing” moves, along with my favorite quote from one of the guys:

Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm.

“What’s that, Helen Keller? There’s a fire in the barn and Billy is trapped?”
- Soren, 37, comedian

Seductively lick a dab of food off your lips or finger. He’ll imagine what that tongue would feel like on him.

“This could work. Then again, it could look like a cheesy porn flick from the 1970s.
- Chuck

Make a silly bet to be paid off in sexual favors, or play a board game naked in bed and agree that the loser has to grant the winner one lusty request.

“Everybody wins in a sexual bet, but playing naked board games is like donning a tuxedo to watch New Year’s Eve on TV. Board games don’t quicken the pulse, and whatever competitive thrill they impart is canceled out by the fact that it takes 17 hours to complete a game of Monopoly. Meanwhile, you’ve been beaten into fiscal ruin by a naked hotel baron.” - Brendan

Chill a bunch of marbles in the fridge. Toss them on the bed and make him lie on them while you straddle him.

“Bitter cold is not conducive to sex. Neither are marbles jammed in the small of your back. Why not just bang in a walk-in freezer while someone named Rabbit punches you in the kidneys?” - Markus

Pre-oral action, pop a mint. You’ll both get chills, because menthol triggers the body’s cold receptors

“Or get a painful burning sensation that requires immediate medical attention.”
- Chuck

Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off.

“I love doughnuts and I love oral attention - just not together. The image of her biting and chewing in that region makes me wince. Plus, how good could it be for her?” - Chuck

Take an old strand of fake pearls and other beads and, holding each end, pull it back and forth around the shaft of his manhood.

“Girls like to play dress-up, not guys. There are only three things to properly accessorize a [man’s organ] with -four if you’re adventurous - and none of them are sold by Mikimoto.” - Markus

Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around.

“Even if this doesn’t feel as amazing as it sounds, you have to applaud the dedication. Big thumbs up to you, lady with the scalded tongue.” - Brendan

Make ice from seltzer, then rub him down with the cubes. The carbonation leaves slushy pockets in the ice, so one minute he’ll feel a solid touch from the cube; then next, a snowy clump melting on his skin.

“Slush feels terrific down the back of your neck during a snowstorm, so there’s no way this trick could possibly irritate your man . . . EXCEPT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.” - Brendan

When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.

“This holds no interest for me whatsoever. Any woman who is as uninterested in this as I am, should definitely e-mail me to discuss how neither of us wants to try it. Wednesday evenings are a particularly good night to not experiment with this.” - Soren

Okay, so you get the point. I’m all for imagination and exploring new creative ways of fun in the bedroom, but really, let’s get rid of the doughnuts and hair accessories once and for all.