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It has been about 2.5 months since I rendezvoused with a man in bed (or anywhere, for that matter).
At first I was okay with it; I kept busy with work and friends. Then, I was a little less than okay with it; I kept busy with cake and cigarettes. Then, I became beyond unhappy with the never ending sexual drought.
It got so bad that during a family dinner - where everyone in attendance was paired off besides me - my dad went around the table taking pictures of all the couples and said, “Lauren, hold up your right hand” when he got to me.
Seriously, people. I can’t make this shit up.
So, I did what any self respecting and sexual young woman would do; I turned to my good friend, The Pocket Rocket, to keep myself busy. And now I am blissfully happy.
And is there anything wrong with that?
Is it wrong to want to satisfy myself when I can’t find a man that makes me laugh (and is tall enough for my 5 feet 10 inches of woman)? Is it wrong that I like to come home from work and just want to let loose after a long day at the office? Is it so wrong that I really love falling asleep to the Food Network and don’t mind having a self-induced quickie during a commercial break?
No! I am a single woman and I have needs; needs that some men can’t even fulfill (namely, the commercial break quickies). And I am sorry if some of you people out there find masturbating taboo or uncomfortable; maybe you just aren’t doing it right. If you give it a real chance, you may just like it. In fact, you may just like it better than those boys you have been chasing since you hit puberty.
Honestly, I have never enjoyed being single more than I have since I embraced the personal-orgasm. I can do what I want when I want: I can eat what I want, I can shave when I want, and, best of all, I can have an orgasm when I want.
Screw all those girls who feel they have to change who they are for a man. Fuck everyone who dresses up for guys at the bar. I will not settle, so until my perfect mate comes around I will take care of things on my own.
I am a single woman. Hear me scream.
9 Comments
Finally, a girl who gets it… And you wonder why guys will crank it up multiple times a day
Amen!
Sorry to bum everyone out but the wait for Mr.perfection might be a long one. I personally have seen no perfect male specimens {or female for that matter} around for a very long time. The topic was about masturbation but it’s also about vanity and inflated self-worth if you think about it.
Rob, if I may defend Lauren, there’s a difference between having inflated self-worth and valuing yourself and knowing what you want. And I believe she said she was waiting for HER perfect mate, not “Mr. Perfection.” Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?
I’ve known girls who just aren’t happy without men, and I think learning to love one’s own company is an important way to be independent and strong. There are people in the world who can’t stand being by themselves because they don’t like themselves enough, and every effort to change that is laudable
>”(and is tall enough for my 5 feet 10 inches of woman)?”
Maybe rethink this one. Plenty of us short folks aren’t so bad.
Haha, to the comment before me…it seems its impossible to write an article without offending at least 12 groups of people. And yes, I agree women who arent happy without men are srange creatures.
HAhahaha. Love your article again. Seriously, embrace being single. You seem so spontaneous and free. Most relationships ARE NOT!:D
An answer to what chris said: tall girls like guys taller than them because a.)it makes us feel very large and manly being with a small guy b.)having a big man makes us feel protected and comfortable and c.)being a tall girl myself, I wouldn’t want to have to bend my neck to kiss my bf lol
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