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Cosmo, the magazine I just love to hate, recently ran an article creatively called “Sex Tips From Guys.” The tips weren’t so much “tips” as they were things a few random guys constituted as “hot”, and the descriptions were so laughably romance novel that I had to repeat them here—with a few additions.
• “Wet your lips and moan that you can’t wait to taste me” – Sam, 22 – Hey Sam, your “tip” makes me think you’ve been watching a lot of porn lately. That’s cool and everything, but I think it’s time you realized that being so specific is one of the fastest ways to piss off your partner. Do you want me to move my head 90 degrees to the left as well?
• “This chick leaned against a dresser and stuck her butt out for doggie style. I definitely obliged” – Glenn, 23 – I’m sure this “chick” is super thrilled that you remember her sexual positions better than her name, Glenn. Also, three points for using the words “butt” and “obliged” in the same two sentences. How colloquially poetic of you.
• “My ex would splash her tee shirt with water while washing dishes. As soon as I saw her nipples through the fabric, I’d have to touch them” – Bart, 22 – Are you sure she was splashing her boobs on purpose, Bart? Maybe she just accidentally got water on herself from all those dirty plates you left in the sink for her to clean.
• “If we’re some semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis” – Henry, 25 – Uh, Henry? What you’re describing sounds pretty odd and awkward, not to mention extremely and obviously dry humping…which is not something most girls like to do in “semi-public” places.
• “Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself” – Jakob, 28 – You sure there wasn’t anyone else on the other end of the line helping to induce that moaning, Jake?
• “Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other” – Jean-Claude, 29 – Jean-Claude, you and your fancy name are completely right. You think half the nation signs up for those classes because they want to be healthier?
I don’t know what their recipe is, but no matter who is interviewed in their pages, Cosmo somehow manages to make their IQ drop about 50 points. I mean, was there not one guy who was creative and well spoken in that interview pool?
Well, loyal CC readers, looks like the guantlet has been passed to you. Got any sex tips that don’t sound like they should be in a book that features Fabio on the cover?
5 Comments
Wow, this article was the biggest LOL I’ve had in days. I mean, first of all, Fabio…enough said, I think. And then, these guys. These aren’t sex tips, it’s more like these guys wanna show each other up with the weird shit their kinky girlfriends used to pull. I’m still in hysterics over the combo of “butt” and “oblige”.
Unfortunately for your fantasy world there, guys are fairly simple creatures when it comes to sex. In my opinion, women over-look this fact and get disappointed when their boyfriend/lover/fuck-toy doesn’t tell them how they want to feed them chocolate strawberries by the candlelight while kissing them all over their body. In the case that your insignificant other says that he does want to do that, he’s either lying to you to make you happy or you won the dating lottery. Don’t get me wrong, some of these are more than laughable, but at the same time don’t make your expectations too high because it’ll be a long trip when they let you down.
This is exactly why I make fun of cosmo at every possible opportunity.
Here’s my sex advice: Go fuck yourself.
Then again, this is why I don’t write for their site.
A bit off the topic of Cosmo, but still on topic…
I once sent specific advice in an SMS to a TV program, where a “sex expert” gave advice. My message wasn’t published, because it was too explicit. The expert totally seemed like she had learned all about sex from books rather than actaully having had it herself. So a program being totally open about sex, was still not open to proper advice from a man.
Maybe Cosmo has some kind of censorship, like these people had? Actual advice maybe wouldn’t be shown?
Too often I’ve found that women think they know how to please a man just because they have a pussy. Good practical advice from men could really come in handy to a lot of women.
Your right these men seem like they’ve watched too much porn. I’ve read a few of these ‘tips’ from men and they all seem like “oh you should totally do that thing that I saw in this vid”.
How about a smart semi-manly one like “I love it when my girl puts on lingerie and tries to seduce me when I come home” or something to that effect.
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