“The Girls Next Door star Holly Madison and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner still have babies on the brain. ‘There has been lots of trying — lots of trying!’ she told Usmagazine.com at Playboy’s Ninth Annual Super Saturday Night bash in Arizona.”

But no really, for the sake of everyone’s imagination, please stop trying.

Does Holly keep bowls of Viagra throughout the Playboy Mansion trying to convince Hef that they’re M & Ms? Doesn’t Hef fall asleep after three thrusts? He’s 82. I’m sure he’s young at heart, but come on. I’d imagine that any sperm that he’s got left is bent or way too exhausted to swim very far.

And as for the title of that US mag article, I highly doubt that Hef has babies on the brain. His to-do list consists of robe wearing, a nap, eating, another nap and trying to find his way through his mansion. Trust me, being one of the oldest fathers on the planet is not on there.

Also, the man is still legally married to his estranged wife, Kimberley Conrad; I just need to throw that out there. I mean, what’s Holly’s motivation? She says that she loves him; the way that she comes off on the show lines up with what she says. But does she want to have his baby…or just see dollar signs?

Hef is 82.

…I’m just saying.