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Would you date an African-American? How about an Indian? Or a Caucasian?
Online dating services want to know. When you fill out a profile, they’ll often ask you questions about what kind of people you prefer to date, including questions regarding ethnicity. They seem innocent enough…but are they?
I had a really thought-provoking conversation about it with a friend the other day. “I was sitting behind somebody who was filling out an online dating application,” she said, “and they put down that they preferred not to date Asian people.”
“Yeah?” I said.
“I couldn’t believe it!” she went on. “I thought that was the most racist thing I had ever seen!”
And I couldn’t believe she thought that. “You’re kidding, right?” I said. “People are allowed to have preferences about the looks of the people they date. It’s not racist.”
I can’t remember what the results of our discussion were, but I do remember how intrigued I was by the thought that ethnicity-related preference questions were such a hot topic. She really got me thinking. Were the questions themselves racist? Was somebody who didn’t want to date people in a specific ethnic group really racist?
Here’s what I think. If you like tall guys, you can mark down on your profile that you like tall guys. Some online dating services even let you specify the exact height of the guy you want to date. OK. So if you can specify height…why not race? If you don’t want to date a short person, why can’t you say that you don’t want to date a white person?
If you don’t want to date white people, all that’s saying is that you generally don’t find white people attractive. It’s not saying that you think there’s anything wrong with them, and it’s not saying that you have anything against them. And I’m sure many people would own up to the fact that there are exceptions to every rule.
Even if tall guys float your boat, you might acknowledge that you could fall madly in love with a short person. And even if you don’t think most Asian guys are hot, there just might be one for you out there.
So, is it racist to have ethnic dating preferences? I don’t think so. Some people like chocolate, hate vanilla, and feel mixed about mint chip. It’s all a matter of taste.
CC readers, what do YOU think?
20 Comments
I don’t really think it is. It’s just another aspect of a person you may or may not find appealing. I have nothing against anyone that is a different race. I could be perfectly capable of falling in love with someone who isn’t white. Does it interest me at this point in time? Nope. Doesn’t mean that I find them inferior or anything. It’s just not my cup of tea right now.
When I was walking on campus one day I was stopped and asked if I would like to audition for Next on MTV and of course I said sure! Not only on the application did you have to mark ethnic preference, but then they had a video portion of the application and the flat out asked. First of all both my interviewers were african american so I felt compltely akward saying I leaned toward white guys! But I mean hello Tiger Woods! so hott! haha i don’t think it’s racist its just a taste!
i don’t believe it’s racist at all. people do have different tastes, and maybe they came from an old-fashioned family. i personally couldn’t see myself dating someone who wasn’t white, but it doesn’t mean i totally wouldn’t; it’s just my preference.
From headline:
“Is Online Dating Racist?”
Remember, when the politically correct use the term racist, they simply mean white Gentiles who discriminate.
It is a racial slur used only against white Gentiles. Racist = honky, or honky-ish.
So, the translation of the quote would be: “Is Online Dating Honky-ish?”
There’s a difference between preferences and prerequisites. If a guy puts a pin-up of Marilyn Monroe on his wall because he idealizes busty blondes, that doesn’t mean he’d say no to, say, a brunette like Anne Hathaway just because of her hair colour and smaller cup-size. Well, there may be those who would resist, but they’re generally of a fetishist/obsessive-backstory (a la Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo) type that’s not the majority of the population.
However, when it comes to race, it’s usually not a mere preference but a prerequisite. Certain races are not merely preferred, but they’re DEMANDED. Therefore, racial “preferences” are in a category of their own.
Let’s use Asian men as an example because of all the races of men to be discriminated against, they probably have it the hardest. How is it not racist when even a tall, good-looking Asian guy with no cultural barriers is still discriminated against because of a few signifying racial features that denote him as Asian? Is Black hair and Asian eyes THAT monstrously ugly that it overrides all other positive features? Or perhaps, is it because those certain features are signature traits of Asians, and since Asian men have low social value, those traits are demonized solely because of their Asian association?
I’ll be the first to admit that there are some ugly Asian geeks out there, and I’m not advocating that everybody fall for them. But there are also athletic and charismatic Asian guys out there, and if you reject them solely based on a “I’m not into Asians” rationale, then you have to really ask yourself how that is not a racial prejudice.
“I’ll be the first to admit that there are some ugly Asian geeks out there, and I’m not advocating that everybody fall for them. But there are also athletic and charismatic Asian guys out there, and if you reject them solely based on a “I’m not into Asians” rationale, then you have to really ask yourself how that is not a racial prejudice.” (Chris)
Eek! Careful with this. Although I do understand what you mean, it almost seemed like you’re saying that people should not discriminate against race, but they should discriminate on looks!
I love the rainbow… any ethnicity is fine by me. It’s just a matter of who they are. Even though, I can acknowledge that sometimes physically some people just won’t attract you and it won’t be until you know them that you’ll appreciate them and become attracted to them.
Just think of the question this way: If you say you prefer tall guys, will that mean you discriminate against small ones?
“Just think of the question this way: If you say you prefer tall guys, will that mean you discriminate against small ones?” (Nefer)
If you prefer tall guys, it most likely means that you like to feel all safe and cozy in the arms of a big guy. Shorter guys can’t provide that kind of “bear hug” presence. Therefore, it becomes a matter of projected power and authority.
So if you say that you don’t like Asians no matter what their height, then you could also be saying that Asians don’t project a sense of power and authority. This, my friends, is the smoking gun of a racial caste system.
Law and working conditions are public issues, and therefore appropriate topics for debate and cultural engineering attempts.
Romantic preferences are *personal* and the moment the politically correct types try to pry into that, they cross the line and show themselves to be zealots. Imagine what kind of life it would be if, on top of being told what you can and can’t say, you were also told whom you can and can’t find attractive? Do you think that would really change you? Or would you just cave to these modern day inquisitors and go through the motions of being attracted to people you’re not attracted to for fear of being labelled racist? Maybe even being in a loveless relationship, all while yearning for whatever it is you would truly find fulfilling? Would it be fair to the person you’re pretending to love?
Good lord, I’m a white guy, and I’m perfectly fine with a woman not wanting to go out with me because of my race. The more up front she is with herself about that the better, because the sooner we will both find someone who genuinely is attracted to us. These whiners who think they found yet another problem (not finding a date) to blame on racism really need to take responsibility for their own lives and improve their game.
Butt out of everyone’s personal life!!!
Calling a dating preference racist is nothing more than pure idiocy. Its a general preference, nothing more, nothing less. I have a Match.com profile. My preferences are White, Latino, Asian. Those are traditionally the races that I find attractive. It doesn’t mean I dislike any other race, it just means thats what I’m physically attracted to. I also set my preferred body type to slender, fit, or normal. Again, I don’t hate fat women, I just don’t necessarily want to get naked with one. There is plenty of actual racism in the world to deal with without trying to make every personal preference into some sweeping statement.
If you prefer dating only a person of the same race based solely on skin color you are a racist. If a German wants to date a German it is not racist. If a French wants to date a French it is not racist. If an Armenian wants to date an Armenian it is not racist. But a German who says that it is Ok to date an Armenian who looks white but not an Asian is a racist. Similarly a white American who has no problem dating a Turk who looks white, but wont date an Asian is a racist.
“i personally couldn’t see myself dating someone who wasn’t white.”
White is not ethnicity, but color..any person who prefers someone else because of the color of the skin is a racist.
“So if you say that you don’t like Asians no matter what their height, then you could also be saying that Asians don’t project a sense of power and authority. This, my friends, is the smoking gun of a racial caste system.”
Absolutely right!
“Good lord, I’m a white guy, and I’m perfectly fine with a woman not wanting to go out with me because of my race.”
Anyone basing their decision on race is a racist. If a Malay moslem says they wont marry a Bosnian moslem becuase of culture, it is not racist. However, if it is because of skin color it is racism.
It is the writers preference not to date someone outside the race. Similarly it is my preference to call those people racist. So let her do according to her preference and I shall do according to mine.
I think people have really blurred the lines when it comes to racism. Have we become so scared to offend that we are willing to sacrifice our personal preferences in order to not upset someone?
I will admit that I prefer white men by far than members of another race. However, I can go even farther with it: I prefer pale-skinned men with dark brown hair and brown eyes. I also seem to lean towards shorter men with larger noses. I’ve often been made fun of by friends that proclaim I favor “Jewish” features.
Well, we’ve got that out of the way. I might be marked as a racist and that’s fine by me because I think that the term is over used and misunderstood by far. I also am confident in that fact that I am not a racist because I have dated an African-American man, a Native American, a Japanese female, and a Middle-Eastern man (granted this was even right after 9/11…wow, I must really be a racist? It’s hard to be this discriminatory and intolerable towards others.)
Like a few have said before me, it is a PERSONAL preference. G. Chell stated that if you make your decision based on color then it is racist. Well, like I said, I swoon over brown eyes and I have never dated a blue-eyes male (or female) in my life. Does this denote racism? No, it doesn’t. In fact, no definition that I have ever seen for racism has ever included “color” as the defining characteristic of the word. Racism occurs when believe that one race is superior to another race.
There is a lot of variance in the world that we live in. This goes for flowers, clothing, music, hot or cold weather, and people. Just because you don’t like everything that you set your eyes on, doesn’t mean that you hate it either.
“G. Chell stated that if you make your decision based on color then it is racist. Well, like I said, I swoon over brown eyes and I have never dated a blue-eyes male (or female) in my life. Does this denote racism? No, it doesn’t. In fact, no definition that I have ever seen for racism has ever included “color” as the defining characteristic of the word. Racism occurs when believe that one race is superior to another race.”
It all depends on one’s own preferences. My preference is not to call you a racist as you have dated women of different races. White women have a right to have dating preference for white skin color and may have a preference for white babies. I also want to have my preference: my preference being to call them racist. So, they can act on their preference and I will act on mine.
Just because a choice is personal doesn’t automatically make it non-racist. Of course we all have the right to choose who we date, and no one is required to pursue a relationship with someone they aren’t attracted to. But the problem is that when we have racial preferences for the people we date, we end up basing our choices on stereotypes. As has been mentioned before, if you just aren’t into Asian men, it has to be based on some stereotype about asian men, unless you have met every one of the 1+ billion asian men on earth. If you base your preferences on this stereotype, you risk preventing yourself from meeting a great person who possesses all the qualities you want in a partner just because you refused to give him/her a chance because you think you won’t be attracted.
That doesn’t bother me, though. I don’t care if you deny yourself the possibility of finding true love. The problem that I have is that when we post these preferences on a dating site or on a forum, it can create an unwelcoming environment for people whose races are considered undesirable. Have you thought about how it feels for, let’s say, an Asian man looking at a dating site to see how many women will reject him immediately without even bothering to read his profile or respond to his messages JUST because they think they don’t like Asian men?
I don’t mind if people have racial preferences for dating, but be mindful of how you include them in your profiles. First off, if you aren’t ABSOLUTELY sure that you would NEVER be interested in, let’s say, an Asian man, then don’t include information in your profile that excludes them. If you are absolutely certain that you would never date Asian men, then say so and don’t be so afraid that people might call you a racist. Face it, you’re exercising your right to express your racial preferences, and they’re exercising their right to comment on it. Racism isn’t just about hating people. Racism is about making judgments about people based on their race. To me, it is bizarre to indicate that you prefer certain races over others, and then argue that your choices aren’t racially biased. It doesn’t make any sense, and it sounds like you’re blaming people for being too sensitive instead of taking responsibility for your choices. If race matters to you, that’s fine. Just don’t be surprised when people call you on it.
I have to agree with Chris about the prerequisite vs preference. People commenting above make it sound like a chore even to consider someone of a different “race”. It has gotten to the point where I just don’t even declare my ethnicity most times since I will be pre-screened from searches before someone has a chance to check out my profile/personality. I honestly think people shouldn’t have preferences at all. I mean we’re in the 21st century, people! Open your reptilian minds a little, huh? Put away the guns, embrace others, learn about the earth that we all live in! *shudders in disgust* and PS, just think of how our “preferences” are formed - via mass media, advertising, propaganda- and consider how UnDemocratic such things are: how little positive (much less realistic!) representations of people from this and other cultures there are - and you get a sense of the kind of bubble we live in. You can’t make honest choices living in a bubble. Wake up!
Bob, your post was so accurate and true. You’re a smart guy.
IMHO, there is so much that could be written concerning this thread of discussion and the general inaccuracies concerning this subject.
Take for example the title of the article “Is online dating racist?”, that in itself is flawed because the real question is whether the expression of race/ethnicity/heritage/ancestry related preferences in online dating profiles should be considered “racist”.
Let me clarify that I am in agreement with the statements made by the author of the article, specifically, “people are allowed to have preferences about the looks of the people they date. it’s not racist”.
In fact, people are allowed to have preferences about any aspect of the people they date…people are allowed to have preferences, period.
Are preferences related to race/ethnicity/heritage/ancestry, etc necessarily racist and/or imply that the person having such preferences is racist?
I don’t think so - it might be possible that some of those people are actually racist at heart but not necessarily so.
The racist term tends to be applied too loosely
and the race card played too often these days without consideration of actual meaning or implication.
Racist/racism are strong words with hectic connotations, should actually be used with alot more consideration in my opinion.
Here is a definition from dictionary.com:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/racist
1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.
So now, based on the above definitions, we should never assume that that racial based preferences in dating are motivated by racist views - the world isn’t all just black and white although many people seem to see only those extremes.
Like it or not, everyone is, at some point, prejudiced in some way. In fact, the existence of preference implies the existence of prejudice because there will always be bias toward that which is preferred.
So if preferences within a particular race/ethnicity is accepted, then why should preference outside of a specific race/ethnicity immediately be frowned upon and/or equated to racism?
The reality is that people will date those they find attractive, appealing, share common life goals, values, lifestyle and culture. Although we are independent, we are not isolated and ultimately, we seek partners with whom we can coexist. That being said, is it so hard to accept that people identify more with certain types than others?
Are we saying that everyone should be open to a relationship with someone that is racially/ethnically/culturally different or face being called a racist? [even though we have not heard their reasons for not having such preference?]
Here’s an interesting comment paraphrased from another thread…
http://www.collegecandy.com/reality/10122
by Lena on 8 July 2008.
“it isn’t our colors that are the problem. It is the assessment that certain groups can be ranked superior or inferior based on stereotypes. It is the fact that entire systems have been set up to perpetuate or pander to these stereotypes. It is the investment of certain people to insist on homogeny in order for us to coexist peacefully instead of embracing diversity.
You can “see color” without adding a value judgment”
Maybe having a racial preferences when considering people for dating is a subtle form of racism and does make the preference holder a racist - then so be it, guess I’m a racist then -but at the same time, let me say that my social circle and close friends are very diverse in terms of race/ethnicity/culture, etc. and I do NOT subscribe to racial/ethnicity related superiority i.e. we are all human and of the same human value. Just because I have preferences, does not mean I think less of people that don’t match my preferences, to suggest that is just absurd.
Last thing, in case people that like to apply stereotypes think that such comments as above must be coming from a lonely white guy, in this case you would be wrong - I’m indeed a guy but neither white nor lonely - plenty of women who meet my preferences around
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