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M was a friend of my roommate’s boyfriend and I started dating him after he saw my picture and decided he wanted to get to know me. He lived in NYC and I lived in Boston, but he was determined to take me out.
Normally I wouldn’t bother getting into the long distance thing, but he was super tall, extremely intelligent, and not bad looking, so I figured I’d give him a chance. Plus, he was super nice. Like he would drop everything when I called, take me anywhere I wanted to go, kind of nice. What girl doesn’t want that, right? I was just getting out of a relationship with a guy I loved but who didn’t drop everything at the drop of a hat for me, so I figured this would be refreshing. M came to Boston one weekend and took me to dinner.
Right away my roommate told me her boyfriend didn’t want us dating. “She’ll end up hurting him,” he had told her. Me, hurt a guy? I’m not exactly known as a super-b*tch when it comes to dating, so I really didn’t foresee myself hurting anyone.
After another perfectly nice date, M came to visit again, also known as our third date. My friends arrived at my apartment, anxious to meet him. M wasn’t there when they arrived; he was out trying to find a restaurant that served chicken pot pie. See, I had this craving, so I told him I wanted one, and he was off on a mission. After a bit, he ran back into my apartment breathless and defeated. “I couldn’t find one anywhere,” he told me. But I wanted one badly. “Did you try Z’s?” my friend asked. “They have them there.” “Really?” he replied eagerly. And he was out the door again. Fifteen minutes later and I had my chicken pot pie in hand.
Date #3 was also the weekend of my birthday. He told me he bought me a present. “You really didn’t have to do that,” I told him, thinking it was way too soon to be bringing gifts into our “relationship.” He told me not to worry and that the gift was something small.
The gift was Uggs. The boy bought me Uggs on our third date. Sure, I accepted them and wore them with pleasure (hey, they were exactly what I wanted!), but I was a bit uncomfortable accepting a $140 present from a boy I had gone on 3 dates with.
He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day. First of all, what twenty-something man actually utters the words, “will you be my girlfriend”? Especially after 3 dates? But he did just give me a pair of brand new Uggs and he was SO nice. I’d be insane to turn down a guy who would give me the world if he could, right? Instead of saying “yes,” I said, “OK, but I need you to know that I’m best friends with my ex-boyfriend and I hang out with him a lot and it’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.” “Umm, sure,” he responded, clearly not very phased by it.
You ask me to be your girlfriend and the first thing I do is bring up my ex and you’re OK with it? Something must not be OK with you.
He called me 3 times one Friday night. I was sitting at my friend’s apartment when my phone rang for the second time. “Ugh,” I said, looking at the caller ID. “Sues,” she said, “the face you just made is not an OK face to make when your boyfriend is calling you.” I knew she was right.
When I told him I wanted to break up with him, he begged me to reconsider. I’d never broken a guy’s heart before and it wasn’t easy for me. But I knew it had to be done. I didn’t know how to explain to him that he was just too nice. That he annoyed the hell out of me. That he cared about me too much. That he did too much for me. So I just blamed it on myself and told him my life was too stressful at the moment.
After hanging up the phone, I never felt so relieved. But my roommate’s boyfriend was right. I had ended up hurting him. I realized I hadn’t been the first.
One month later, I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. He was a bit of a jerk and probably wouldn’t go running around town looking for a chicken pot pie for me. But he also wouldn’t agree to let me hang out with an ex whenever I felt like it. He had respect for himself and didn’t let me walk all over him. He stood up for himself if I tried to push him around and wasn’t afraid to yell at me if I was being a b*tch. I became a better person from that relationship.
So, do nice guys come in last? If they’re annoyingly, desperately nice they do. No girl wants a guy she can walk all over and push around. Of course it’s sweet if he brings us a chicken pot pie when he knows we’re craving one. But if we know we can tell him to run all over creation to get us one whenever we want, we will. And yes, we’ll have our chicken pot pie, but we won’t have any respect for him.
P.S. I still wear the Uggs on occasion with just the slightest tinge of guilt.
13 Comments
It’s people like you that turn guys like this into assholes. Thanks.
It’s people like you who validate guys desperate behavior and make them think it’s attractive. Thanks.
Eek.
Eek.
Suze, you know I love you, but I’m not sure how I feel about this one…
BUT! I do think that it’s admirable of you to blog about something that you’re being honest about (although it doesn’t put you in the best light). I think that this mental process is actually something that A LOT of girls actually go through when they come across the nice guys.
Kudos for your honesty
I think almost all girls can admit they’ve done that to a guy that is WAAAYYY too nice. Unfort its true nice guys do finish last last…I mean they don’t have to be assholes…just not act girly than us…hope that makes sense. I love my man and he does wonderful things for me but he doesn’t let me push him around and I try to do the same as well. Thanks for being honest
So I guess I’m one of the nice guys you are talking about. This is the second post on this blog that leaves me totally dumbfounded. I’ve always wondered why I’ve never had much luck with dating, even though I think I’m decent looking. The problem is that I have respect for girls and I try to treat them well. I’ll do my best to change in the future. I will treat girls like shit and do my best to fuck ‘em and leave ‘em. Hopefully we can all be happier that way. Congrats on being such a asshole yourself…it’s a good first lesson.
Tim…what Sues is saying, and what I think a lot of us are saying, is that there is a difference between a guy who is NICE and confident (A+ material), and a guy who is NICE and needy.
Most women LOVE nice guys…it’s when they’re dependent and without a backbone that’s a turnoff.
I think you’ll agree men feel the same way when it comes to women…
Well said J - NYU.
There’s a difference between being a puppy dog and being a nice guy. No need to be a dick, but don’t be a pansy either.
startingoverat24.blogspot.com
you made the right decision. no one else has the right to tell you how to feel about someone’s behavior. it’s not that his behavior was necessarily “desperate” or “creepy.” if *you* felt that it was excessive, then that’s all that matters. some other girl might not consider it excessive, but that’s her decision. you have a right to your own feelings and comfort zone.
if i were you, i would have returned or paid him back for the uggs, though :/
Thanks, guys! There’s a huge difference between treating a girl like shit and being desperate and overly nice/needy/desperate. It gets creepy. Just like you’d probably feel creeped out if a girl called you 3 times per night and waited on you hand and foot when you barely knew her. It’s all about having self-respect. How can I respect you if you can’t respect yourself??
It wasn’t easy breaking up with him. I felt really bad. I cried. I was sincerely sorry. But it had to be done…and trust me, he wouldn’t have taken the Uggs back. He was WAY too nice
This is why girls suck, and nice guys like me will either be single forever or will eventually turn into an asshole.
Yea i’ve been readin this blog like cos am thinkin i might be too much of a nice guy meself, but yea am wonderin what uggs are?! na but its like sue said though i mean you can be a nice guy.. but with like a mysterious, confident self respected type.. like em wise geezers in japanesse movies who you go to see advice.. but the point i learnt is to keep a distance and some respect.. callin every opportunity is mad.. self respect, who wants to go out with a person with no self respect.. i dunno but u ain’t much of bitch.. u just wanted some space.. an M to have some self respect.. dignity innit
lowe
Yup. I’ve done this too. Sweetie, if he lets us walk all over him, chances are we will. He falls to fast and hard when he doesn’t even know the girl. Too desperate and eager to please.
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