My birthday was a few days ago and, as with any birthday, it brought with it a need for self reflection (I hesitate to use the words “existential crisis”, but, if you insist.) It occurred to me that I’m an adult now, really and truly, and as such I’ve been dating for a long time. I have learned something from all those years of failed, miserable relationships. And I am going to impart those things to you, things that I’m sure many of you know and have learned the hard way. Some of these things are rather obvious now, but I sure wish I would have known them when I started dating.

10. Long term relationships make you fat. Birth Control + Getting too comfortable = Letting yourself go.

9. The amount of effort you have to put into a relationship is directly proportional to the chances of said relationship failing. Don’t get me wrong, every single relationship takes effort and compromise and there has never been an easy relationship in the history of the universe. What I’m saying is, if you are trying really, really hard to make the relationship work, that probably means that there is enough wrong with said relationship to warrant a breakup. It also probably means that your significant other is not trying as hard as you are and is, therefore, less invested in you. And you should breakup sooner rather than later. (see #3)

8. If a guy doesn’t want to ever go down on you, he’s a scumbag. Dump him immediately.

7. Breakups with guys you like can be almost as, if not equally painful than breaking up with guys you love. Not necessarily because you are heartbroken, but because guys you like (not love) tend to affect your ego and your pride more than your heart and can, thusly, f*ck you up in a whole different way.

6. Enjoying single life is the best way to find a mate. Ever heard the expression, “You’ll find someone as soon as you stop looking?” It’s absolutely true.

5. Your boy/girlfriend thinks about having sex with other people. And so do you, so get over it. Monogamy doesn’t mean that we never think about other people, it means that we care enough about one person to keep it in our pants.

4. It’s better to be miserable and alone than with someone who makes you miserable. Because at least you have some self respect and have taken the first step towards shaking off all that misery and drama: losing the zero. (see #3 again)

3. Breakups are not the end of the world. Sounds really obvious and oversimplified, I know, but what I’m really trying to say is that there is always someone else in the world that can and will make you happy. As perfect as you thought you were with your ex, someone else can and will be just as perfect. There isn’t one person in the world that is right for you, there are thousands.

2. All Relationships Fail until, as the illustrious Dan Savage says, one doesn’t. Bad, scarring relationships are the norm, not the exception, and as such they should be embraced as part of the growing and learning process. I had about ten awful relationships before I had a good one and you may have thirty, but eventually a flower will grow in the turd of your lovelife.

1. The most important thing in a relationship is laughter. You can have the most functional relationship in the world, but if you don’t have a sense of humor or at least one comparable to your lover’s, what’s the point?