Q: I want to try having sex on the beach this summer. What should I keep in mind?

A: Sex on the beach. It’s the ultimate cliche of sexual fantasies for hopeless romantics everywhere, usually triggered by a movie scene complete with soft lighting and background music. For me, it was Chris Isaak that did it. Specifically, the sexy black-and-white video for his song, “Wicked Game,” featuring soft sand, crashing waves, and leggy supermodel Helena Christensen.

In reality, beach sex rarely includes a soundtrack, and a leggy supermodel is even harder to find. Instead you’re left with wind carrying sand into your eyes and wet particles creeping into your crevices. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’ve never actually had sex on a beach. I’m all for trying new things, but it never seemed to be worth the hassle or the worry that I would spend the next three months washing sand out of my crotch.

An informal survey of my friends only served to confirm what I already thought about beach sex — it’s overrated. Those that have dared to bare all and get busy shoreside agree that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. Before I came along, my boyfriend’s attempt came to a screeching halt when he got his hand wet and then placed it in the sand, rendering it useless.

Still want to give it a shot? The key is preparation, which, unfortunately, will kill any must-have-you-now spontaneity you were hoping for.

“There’s no such thing as a big enough blanket,” a friend warned me, attributing the success of her beach sex adventure to a zippered sleeping bag that kept out wind and sand.

Once you’ve packed your sleeping bag, dress for success. Like any attempt at public sex, there’s a chance you’ll get caught. The idea might sound hot now, but it won’t when there’s a cop shining a flashlight in your face as you’re struggling with your skinny jeans. Ladies, keep it simple and wear a dress and keep it on while you go at it.

If you think you’re safer from onlookers and sand in the junk by having sex in the water, you still need to be prepared. Oddly enough, the water won’t help with lubrication–in fact, it’ll dry you out, stopping the action dead in its tracks. A lube will help with that, but make sure it’s not oil-based. The oil (also found in sunscreens and tanning lotions) makes condoms more vulnerable to breakage.

And ladies, microbes and bacteria in the water makes you more susceptible to urinary tract infections and yeast infections–so think twice before you get down. If you’re not super into the idea, a week of pain, Vagisil, and cranberry juice just isn’t worth it.

Got a sex woe? In need of advice, tips, or how-tos? Send your questions to pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and look out for an answer next week on CollegeCandy!