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Here’s a little known fact about men and flirting: There are two types of male mindsets regarding the subject, dudes who assume you are always flirting with them, and dudes who assume you never are. It’s split 49%/49%/2% (2% of guys don’t flirt, they just think about legos and spank it later).
Of course, there are guys who are your friends. They don’t think you’re flirting with them when you talk to them, because you’ve established parameters. But this label is only applied to really good friends. Guys you’ve known for awhile. That dude you’ve been talking to all semester in math class? Doug? Yeah, I just talked to Doug. He was at the meeting. He’s not friends with you and your playful conversations about the professor’s righteous beard are him establishing ground work to ask you out.
This isn’t sinister. Doug just thinks you’re hot. Or maybe you talked to Doug first. Whatever the f*ck, who cares.
Of course, if you’d mentioned your F*CKING BOYFRIEND AT SOME POINT OVER THE LAST 9 WEEKS Doug might not be so
presumptuous, but that’s for another time. No, don’t do it now. It’s too late to mention your bf now. Irregardless of your inability to slip that compound word in the hundreds of minutes you two have spent snickering, the point remains: Doug took your ‘Hey can I borrow a pencil’ as a ‘maybe we’ll have sex.’
This isn’t Doug’s fault. He’s just a type A male flirter. It’s not just you. It’s every girl, ever, in his age range, many men he meets (”DUDE, THAT GAY DUDE WAS ALL ABOUT THIS ASS”), and certain animals (”That turtle was totallying giving me the look”).
“Icky! I don’t like Doug I just think he’s funny. I like Steve, in Econ 101, his ability to ignore me is dreamy!”
Well Steve’s a type B. Good f*cking luck. We talk to Steve a lot. We tell him, ‘Dude, go for it, she’s like, totally into you!’ but he doesn’t ever believe us. Steve’s all “She grabbed my jang but what does that mean?”
Steve’s had a few girlfriends. All raging bitches who took his money and time and threw them both in a dumpster. Steve’s got a complex about ladies. He doesn’t believe any of you could like him, no matter how much fruit you felate in the produce aisle.
“I don’t know man, she’s just not into me.”
So knowing this, how do you approach these two types? For type B, you need to be overt, almost obtuse. Let Steve know he’s the man. Because we’re his bros and he doesn’t believe us. He just thinks we’re trying to raise his spirits so he’ll totally paint sh*t on his naked chest with us at the ball game.
“I really like you, Steve.” That’s a good place to start.
And Doug, well you don’t really have to worry about Doug because he’s spent the last 15 minutes drawing, in 3D (he’s good at shading), what he thinks your rack looks like.
Avoid type C’s at all costs. Unless you think organizing blocks by color is hot.
17 Comments
Poor Steve. Doug sounds like a Neanderthal. But what about Rick? I’ve met a few Ricks (they’re very similar to Steve), but when I flirted overtly, almost obtusely, they ran as fast as they could in the other direction. Conan, is there a type D?
(Steve’s with girlfriends sometimes behave like Rick’s because they don’t want to ‘half-cheat’ on their GFs, but if you know he doesn’t have a GF…)
For the purpose of the graph, Rick’s and Steve’s are grouped together. Rick is less clueless and just straight up afraid of women. Rick’s are usually less ’scarred’ and more of a ‘late bloomer’ type. Good dudes, usually good friends, probably REALLY good, faithful boyfriends (probably a dominant halo player). They might have been that guy who didn’t have a girlfriend until they were 18 or 19, and are now so embarrassed by it so much that getting a girl is now scarier then not getting one.
Unfortunately flirting with Rick’s sometimes makes them run away. Be nice, playful, smile.
Ok that ‘advice’ isn’t really specific (read : is terrible) but ya, Rick’s might just be scared of ladies. Maybe you can teach him that women are great, loving people!
I BUILD WITH MIXED BLOCK COLORS ALL THE TIME. MY IDEAL MATE HAS MASSIVE NIPPLES AND WOULD ALSO BUILD WITH MIXED BLOCK COLORS. SHE SAY I NEED TO GET A JOB DREAM ON FMEMALES.
As a guy i rilly dont fall in any of the groups and i dont rilly know any guys that do fully for me it not that i am afraid its just i asome every time a women is chating with me she is just being friendly so it hard for me to tell when i women is flirting with meso if you are flirting try the touch thing sorry its just me
Pssh. The Lego guys are freaking awesome.
Well, okay, not all of them. There is that distinct grease-and-catgirls demographic that should be avoided at all costs. But man, sometimes the cute nerds who really don’t understand all this boy/girl flirting stuff yet are the BEST.
They love complex, difficult-to-master systems—> they think your emotional outbursts and intricate sexuality are a great challenge.
They cannot abide being second-smartest—> they will study sex manuals and try out every technique in the book to be The 1337 SeXX0r.
They have superhuman powers of concentration—> two-hour cunnilingus sessions.
They haven’t seen a girl naked since they accidentally walked in on their mom in the shower—> your boobs are the nuclear bomb of getting-what-you-want.
They tend to be well-read, emotionally vulnerable, extremely tolerant of those weird secret habits you don’t want anyone to know, and unusually respectful toward women. (Especially the missionary-kid type that ends up in engineering school; they cook, write, sing, play instruments and have had malaria.)
Give them boys a chance!
with a little bit of legos guy too. Haha. When you were explaining Rick, it sounded a lot like me. Especially the dominant Halo player. Haha
But yeah I agree with Jeff. I usually assume that girls are being friendly so I can never tell if they really like me or not. I probably need something a little more than flirting to get the idea.
I totally agree with Elise! The non-creepy lego guys are keepers because they haven’t been brainwashed by those awkward and oversexed teenage relationships that most of us have had. Long live the Lego Builders!
“Irregardless of your inability to slip that compound . . .”
Irregardless? you’re kidding right? From dictionary.com: “Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so. [Probably blend of irrespective and regardless.]”
Here’s an idea for a great sorority haze–Screw the nerd! But not in public, cuz we’re uncomfortable with public sex unlike u sluts!
WHOOPS ERROR
Haley…your attention to detail is uncanny. But you focused on a single word. What do you think of what Conan has to say as a whole?
what the fuck is wutang dork talking about.
is that sarcasm or like, sexism? or both?
I was just thinking that sex with a nerd would be humiliating for any college girl (it sure as hell would be with me), so it therefore follows that it would make a perfect haze!
Oh man, I am such a Rick. My problem is that I am too pleasant. I am too nice a guy. I vault straight over the relationship yardage and land firmly in the friend zone.
I always assume that if a girl is being nice to me, she is just reciprocating my friendly-ness, in the same way that I would be nice to a girl whether I’m attracted to her or not. I can’t tell if she digs me or if she is just being sociable.
Do girls prefer nice, Lloyd Dobler type guys, or douchebaggy, hard-ass guys?
Wow. I don’t know how this post made it as a hot topic on this website, but it was damn near impossible to read. To start it off, I don’t know where you even came up with a basis for your random statistics. Secondly, your thought process was harder to follow than someone’s mindset who is on magic mushrooms. And thirdly, as previously mentioned, even saying irregardless says a lot about the writing abilities of the author. Hopefully your next post will have some type of insight/meaning.
Joe,
I *think* those statistics might have been made up.
…Just a guess.
Conan, fabulous explaination of the male psychie. And I like the addition of Rick, since he seems to be all I’m ever attracted to. I’ll sometimes go for the Steves but I’m so much of a Rick-ette myself that I always wait far too long and Steve has already found a (more than likely) Doug-ette to be with.
Life is infuriating. Any advice for the Rick-ettes out there?
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