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Ladies, gentlemen: I am a slut.
No two ways around it: I like sex. I like sex with lots of different people. I like sex in lots of different ways. I like talking about sex. I like writing about sex. So I go out, and I hook up, and I do not always stick around to cuddle. This doesn’t mean that I’m all messed up inside, or that I need men’s approval (if you look at my “to do” list, you’ll see that “caring about men’s approval” is on the bottom, directly beneath “personally oversee the freezing-over of Hell”), or that I can’t be faithful or intimate when I fall in looooove.
It’s tough to define my motives for sleeping around, but, if I had to make a guess, I think it might have something to do with the fact that I have a huge freaking pleasure center in my crotch, and it feels good when people touch it. So yeah: I’m a slut. I call myself a slut. I let my friends call me a slut. I even let my dude call me a slut, although that happens exclusively in bed.
When a stranger calls me a slut, though, well…that hurts. Especially if that stranger is a girl.
“Slut” used to be a boy’s word. It originally meant a woman who didn’t keep house - as in Shakespeare’s immortal lines, “Where fires thou find’st unrak’d, and hearths unswept, there pinch the Maids… our radiant Queene, hates Sluts, and Sluttery.” (Ah, literature.) Now, of course, it pertains to a different sort of dirty girl. That haven for sophisticated discourse, Urban Dictionary, defines a slut as “a girl that’s f*cked so many guys she can’t keep her legs shut any more.” This pretty much captures our culture’s overall level of respect for sexually experienced women.
The idea that sexual women are worthless derives, pretty clearly, from a time when women were property; yes, ye olden days. Days when your father could trade your virginity for a goat. In that time, if you had the gall to bone someone before marriage, you damaged Dad’s goods, and might therefore cause him to get a low-quality goat, or no goat at all. It wasn’t really a moral question so much as a question of ownership; your body belonged to Dad or Husband, not to you, so using it for your own pleasure was equivalent to borrowing someone’s car and bringing it back with a broken headlight and a big dent in the hood.
One problem with this line of thought: women are not cars, and, though I am no historian, I think we’ve pretty conclusively decided that owning people is bad. Yet, in today’s relatively goat-free economy, people have managed to hold onto the idea that sexy girl = bad person. (If you wonder why there’s no corresponding stigma for guys who get around, it’s simple: there were no price tags on dudes’ cherries.) Hell, we still have events where Dads proclaim ownership of their daughters’ virginity. As the old saying goes, the more things change, the more your Dad owns your vagina. Oh, and also: barf.
I’ve gotten into the habit of automatically ditching or dismissing dudes who engage in slut-bashing; if they’re too insecure or childish to deal with an assertive, confident, sexual woman, I honestly don’t have it in me to care about their opinions. Girls who slut-bash, though, are more complicated. Their words actually sting, because, silly feminist that I am, I believe in sisterhood, and I want to know why they can’t be sisters of mine.
It’s sad to say this, but women can be bitterly competitive amongst each other – and our bones of contention, so to speak, are usually attached to dudes. The active reasoning behind most girl-on-girl name-calling seems to go like this: I am a perfectly fine cow, and no-one will buy me, because they’re all getting free milk from you, you big dairy whore.
We all want love, or sex, and we’re all scared at times that we’re not going to get it. Therefore, if a girl flirts more than you do, she’s a slut. If a girl sleeps with more guys than you do, she’s a slut. If a girl does things in bed that you don’t want to do, she’s a slut. If you worry that a girl is more attractive than you, she’s a slut. And it all comes back to that basic insecurity: the fear that she might steal, or keep you from meeting, your man.
Look; you are pretty. You are sexy. There are people in this world who want you, exactly as you are, and exactly in the way that you want to be wanted. I don’t care who you are – I know this to be fact. If it can work out for me, I’m pretty confident that it can work out for anyone. Everyone has a match, or several, and you are going to meet yours. Another woman’s success, or beauty, or charm, does not detract from yours. So, stop calling girls names because you’re scared. Just go out into the world, and ask for what you want.
You know, like us sluts.
55 Comments
You’re going to change your tune when you get AIDs, herpes, or pregnant. Then you won’t be so proud that you slept around with the whole world. You might unknowingly infect other people with your stds, too. And, then, they will infect others and so on and so forth. Have a happy life.
I have one thing to say to this article: Amen. Took the words right out of my mouth.
I say “Jason” up there should take a Xanax and relax.
More power to you girl; I’m engaged now, but I used to be a bit slutty myself. I always used a condom, I’ve never been pregnant, and I’ve never had an STD. But I had many, many orgasms.
I think Jason is just jealous that he isn’t getting any…..
Women are so terrible to each other.
I have never been more proud to have you as a friend. This was an eloquent and totally accurate representation of the problems we have with ’sluts’. There’s nothing wrong with me not wanting a husband or a serious boyfriend. And there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to have sex simultaneously.
I agree. Sady, this is a WONDERFULLY written piece. We call women sluts when we’re intimidated or jealous…and guess what? Men do the SAME THING.
Be safe. Enjoy life for every moment you have. And think twice before you judge others.
What happened to self-control? Does no one use it anymore? Does no one have standards anymore?I’m not bashing on the fact that you have casual sex. I, honestly, do not care. It just seems kind of disgusting to be passed around like a joint.
Also, women and men are different. You can’t deny that. Sex has a different effect on women than it does on men. We release hormones that allow us to “bond” with whomever we sleep with. Men don’t seem to have that.
I, also, want to add that just because men sleep around that doesn’t make it right either. I would never want to have a relationship with a guy who’s been with fifty or more girls. That seems gross to me because I don’t know where he’s been or what diseases he has. Eeewwh. It, also, shows a lack of commitment and integrity. It seems childish to say: “Oh if men can sleep around so can we.” It comes off sounding like this to me: ” If they can do it so can I, wah.” It just seems rather childish.
Women should have more integrity than men because we’re better than they are. Really, we’re not animals and we can control ourselves. We don’t have to jump every guy that we see just to prove that our sexuality is equal to that of the male gender. We have to be better than that. Also, I, honestly, do not want to be represented by women who are like Paris Hilton. I, really, don’t. Is that bad? I don’t think so.
I don’t call women sluts because I’m intimidated or jealous. I call them that because they fit the definition of the word. Period. Why would I be jealous of a cum recepticle? You ladies need to learn to not fuck every guy that comes on to you. Really, have some dignity and don’t open your legs to everyone just because you’re horny or have a headache. SLUTS. Don’t keep on giving a bad name to the rest of the female population. Most of them aren’t like you. Thank god for that.
Sleeping with a few partners DOES NOT mean you sleep with “Every guy that comes on to you”
I think we need to get that straight.
Really, J? Have you read the articles that your fellow whorebags have written? It seems like they fuck guys in the bathroom then leave. Everyday. Were all of you abused, molested, or not loved by your parents? Did daddy not care about you? Awwh. Geez, it seems only white women can get away with being complete and utter whorebags without recriminations. It’s that white privilege at work. I’m guessing most of the whores writing for this blog are white. I couldn’t expect less from white people. They feel entitled to everything including fucking half the world without being called sluts, whores, or skanks. Sorry bitches but that’s what you are.
Kelly,
If they offend you so much here, STOP READING. Go to another website where everyone is uptight and judgmental like you.
Anyone who wastes their time trying to hurt other people anonymously through the internet REALLY needs a hobby.
I totally agree with this article. I don’t necessarily sleep around but I don’t care if someone else does because IT IS THEIR LIFE, NOT MINE. Do people not realize that you will NEVER be able to control other people? True happiness & peace comes from accepting and loving everywhere (yourself included) for exactly who they are.
Anyway, I think it’s amazing how much attention the sex articles on this site get. We have a wide variety of posts on the site & it amazes me how upset people get about a few posts where COLLEGE-AGED WOMEN WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS ABOUT THEIR BODIES discuss sex.
YAY SEX!
Kelly, I feel entitled to more than “half the fucking world.” If I want it bad enough to work for it, then yes, I am entitled to the WHOLE world. So are you. This piece is less about sex than it is about sisterhood, and the way women bash each other for no apparent reason. Your comment lends generous amounts of credence to Sady’s point, obviously.
Wow, Kelly, why don’t you be a bit more racist?! I thought this was a great article. Liking sex/having sex without being in a serious relationship does not mean you run around having unsafe sex with every diseased guy you meet on the street. A lot of the ignorant and narrow-minded posts on here are exactly the kind of thing the author is talking about. As long as you are being safe, there is no problem with women or men enjoying lots of sex.
Kari– You feel entitled to the world because you’re white. The fact is that you aren’t entitled to the whole world. Period. Maybe if you stepped out of the whole “I’m a white person I’m invincible mirage” you would be able to see that. I hope you and your kind get AIDS. I hope you and your kind get wiped out like the jews did.
I don’t like white people who feel entitled to the world just because they’re white. Would you like someone marching into the U.S and saying I feel entitled to destroying your cities? That’s what white entitlement leads to. You white sure take the cake. That’s why the whole world hates this country.
Does it make you feel better if I call guys sluts, too? Because both sexes can and do engage in promiscuous behaviour. Don’t make it seem like this is some issue of solidarity for women, who need to stick together and tell each other it’s okay to sleep around. I’ll call you out on sluttiness regardless of sex, orientation, race, religion… Whatever.
And there are PLENTY of people who would argue that just because you’re being safe, doesn’t make it okay to be having sex whenever you feel like it, with whomever you feel meets your “standards”…
Kelly, how are you so sure that J, Sady, and Kari are white? You’re passing blind judgment here. This is a site composed of personal blogs by women you have (presumably) never met or seen.
You’re comments on here have been nothing but negative. You are most certainly entitled to voice your own opinions, but if you disagree so strongly with the ideals many of the writers have why do you stick around? Your responses are very unlikely to sway other readers to your method of thinking, mostly due to your chosen method of composing them. Like others have already said, why don’t you find another site that reflects your personal views, rather than have your angry rants here.
Oh, how I love it when we start a-fussin’ and a-feudin’ on the College Candy.
Kelly - I don’t know if anything I say can change your mind. But it’s not my goal to tout liberation (sexual or otherwise) for privileged white ladies only. It’s not the goal of this site. If I come off as insensitive to the realities of racism, I apologize. It is true that, historically, white women have been sexualized differently than women of color. White women were deemed worthless unless they were sexless virgins and wives, and women of color were assumed to be sex objects, and sex objects only, and were (are) therefore exploited and attacked. We still deal with those stereotypes. They still hurt people. Reclaiming your sexuality can mean different things to different people. YET. Even if we want different things, and come from different places, I think we’re all united in wanting to be treated like human beings. How, precisely, is calling each other “cum buckets” going to make that happen?
Jason - remember that thing I said about not being able to care about dudes who slut-bash? Yeah. That’s coming into play right now. Yet, from my deep pit of apathy, I must tell you: I’m monogamous right now, with a very lovely man, so my plan to sleep with EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD (next stop: Latvia!) has been put on hold. Perhaps, to atone for this, I shall sneak into people’s bedrooms at night and inject them with incurable STDs. They’ll call me the Herp Fairy! What do you think?
Everybody Else - Oh, how I love you all.
I was going to respond to some of the comments on here but Sady summed it up nicely.
Sady- I applaud you for your wit and a well written article. I am still chuckling.
Loooooved this article! You couldn’t have said it better!
Sady…
I’ve already conquered Latvia. You may want to choose a different destinaton.
Dibs on Syria! (If that’s ok with kelly, of course.)
i loooove this article, and you’e responce to the comments, very mature.
As a black female who reads this site daily(and just happens to love sex), I LOVE ALL THE BLOGGERS no matter their race and orientation. Keep the good stuff coming!
ps.maybe one day i can get in on this blogging too! i write my own blog but ive thinking about joining the CC staff
The only girls I think are sluts are the ones going after the TAKEN guys. The ones who are turned on at the sight of the wedding ring and consider him a challenge. If you’re just after the single guys, go for it!
Goooooooo Sluts!
And as one of CC’s Black Bloggers:
Goooooooo Diversity!
If being a smart confident woman means sleeping around, do all the work, and don’t commit yourself to marriage, I as a male, am all for that. Honestly, the women who think they are liberated are the least liberated, they’re so easy to take advantage of. I’ve slept with tons of ‘liberated’ women and never had to commit, because they say they don’t need a man to look after them. Well since they don’t need a man, i just get up and leave after sex. Works for me.
Congratulations women. Years of women’s liberation has paid off, and you now have exactly what you’ve wanted this whole time: the right to be depraved, unrepentant slaves to your own sex drives.
Kudos for working so hard to become that which you hate.
We men have created a delusion that in order for women to earn our respect they must do all the work and have sex with us on command. Sadly for women, it has worked like a charm.
Dear David,
I love the fact that men I express my liberation to may sometimes just get up and leave, like you do. Fact-of-the-matter is this: If I (and maybe those other women) wanted you to stay so badly, we’d play the un-liberated girl card and act like we needed you. And if it were a chemistry that was naturally RIGHT, it wouldn’t matter if I needed you to stay or if you felt like I needed you to—-cause we just WOULD stay together.
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I think not only is this very very well written and concise but its kinda makin me wanna meet you, girl. (especially if you look as good as you write)
Upon reading all of these comments, I begin to wonder how many of these liberated girls go home with people when they’re sober? I’ve been around the block and back and I’ve spoken to other self-professed “sluts” (as much as I dislike the term), and it appears to me that most of the girls who are having lots of sex are having lots of sex after a night of lots of drinks. Just how liberated are you if you need to be a little tipsy in order to have the courage to go home with the hottie you just met at the bar or that co-worker you’ve had your eye on for a while? The other question I’m asking myself is how many of these girls had strict parents and/or repressed adolescent years? Again, many of the “sluts” I know seem to be rebelling against a religious upbringing or an otherwise sexually inactive adolescence. Thoughts or comments, anyone?
Promiscuity is nothing to be proud of, whether male or female. It is merely instant gratification. I wouldn’t call you a slut, but I would call you a sure bet. Some guys/gals are looking for an easy treat, i.e. no emotional investment or time tied up. Then again, some people are against monogamy all together. It is my belief (through personal and related experience) that promiscuous people are never truly satisfied with one partner. They either remain promiscuous, have a history of breakups, or have a history of infidelity. Take a look at nature: some species choose lifetime partners(monogamy), some choose a harem (polygamy), and others choose to never keep the same partner (promiscuity). If someone offends you by calling you a slut, then I guess that truth really does hurt.
Slut-bashing is absolutely associated with insecurity about oneself. Men and women don’t have “different feelings” after sex– thats what women have been forcefed by society and the media to believe to prevent them from having casual sex. Men love sex, and women love sex. Where’s the problem??
Oh, and Tyler: you may call us slutty girls “sure bets,” but thats what we would call every single one of you! No one can deny that men are much more promiscuous than the most ’slutty’ girl. I don’t know where you read that pseudo-intellectual bullsh*t, but Sady, your ideas about dismissing these woman-hating, insecure men are good ones….
GREAT ARTICLE!!!!
oh and I meant that Tyler’s comment was pseudo-intellectual bullsh*it, not Sady’s article….
Everything has to have ballence. If your standereds equate to “Not part of my biological, imidiate family” and your willing to go after married men and the list of people you’ve slept with includes most every guy in your town, thier father, brother and dog, then you really don’t have a cause to get pissed if someone calls you a slut and you should just get over your “I’m not a slut simply because I don’t want to be called one at the time” mentallity. Oh yea, and guys that have the equivalent standereds are just as disgusting.
(Now mind you I’m not saying that is true about you, and if it’s not, and your just not shy about sex, all the more power to you, but you seemed to go out of your way to make is sure seem like that was the case.)
You kids crack me up! America…Land of the free! Did you know you have more laws governing sex than the WHOLE of Europe! That’s some going. Its probably also due to the relaxed drinking laws in Europe that enables most broad minded individuals to chill, relax and not worry about whether someone wishes to be sleeping around or not. As long as you take a few careful precautions, aren’t hurting anyones feelings, what the hell is the problem?
okay…not sure how white people got into this commentary (weird how things become race issues) but the article itself was fantastic. i want to show it to people. AMEN
To kelly, i understand that you feel victimized, but, as a result of the way you express it (in a rude, appalling, irrational manner), my sympathy is vast but, my patience has had enough. go be victimized somewhere else.
as for the article. if being a slut means:
you like sex. you don’t mind casual sex with a stranger or acquaintance. you use protection and/or you or they are on the pill (depending on the situation). you check for a wedding ring and ask if they’re single. YOU YOURSELF are single. and you decide to sleep with them, then most of my friends are sluts. both men and women alike.
a person who can see something they want, knows they only want it right now, and decides to go get it? white, black, copper, blue, green, or bright bubble gum pink. whatever color you are, whatever gender you are, whatever land you come from, whoever your parents were, and whatever they believed, if you are that kind of “slut” then green light, all systems go, dont forget your underwear unless it’s on purpose, and in the process of your walk of shame, consider it a walk of fame.
oh. and kelly? that sex in the bathroom thing? that’s fun. try it sometime. we don’t do it everyday (most of us lol) and we don’t always leave after. if it was really good we spend the night with them.
God forbid someone have an orgasm without commitment and think that sex is an act and not a promise. Thank god someone has the sense to see that just because you want an orgasm doesn’t mean that you want/need a commitment and that not being in a monogamous relationship does not mean that you will get an STD if you use a condom. I agree with you Sady, just because you are comfortable with yourself and your sexuality does not mean you are a slut. To me being a slut implies that they are screwing a guy for validation and not for their own pleasure. No one else has the right to down someone else simply because they don’t believe they have to wait until marriage or because to them sex doesn’t mean love. Go you!
Thank you Sady! I’m a virgin so it was always hard to wrap my head around the way other people thought about sex, since I have no real personal experience with it. I am impressed by your gumption and really appreciated what you said.
I think there is a little (or not so little) piece of every girl who judges others that is jealous. I love that you stood up for what you believe in and what that last paragraph was truly inspiring. You have helped me grow as a person and understand people who view sex differently than I do.
Best Wishes
Molly
I have NO problem with chicks who love sex, no matter who they get it from. Really i dont. the only girls that i believe should be termed “slut” is the ones that set their eyes on taken males. i know a girl and EVERY male she has ever slept with has a girlfriend. Now, shame the girl dating him for dating a cheating butthead. But girls who still ATTEMPT to get with the taken ones( when they deny her) get on my nerves and to me those are the only ones that truly earn the term slut, when they are stepping into a another womans territory.
I don’t know what part of this article gave Kelly the idea that
a. Sady is white and
b. “They [white people] feel entitled to everything including fucking half the world without being called sluts, whores, or skanks.”
…Funny how people thrust their anger and deep rooted personal issues onto others. Seek help Kelly. Really. Maybe they can help you to stop misplacing all your emotions. I hope your therapist is white.
Sex is sex. People from every race, color, creed and religion do it. But for some reason you’re only in an uproar about white females exploring and expressing their sexual desires? Way to be open-minded.
i want to have sex and meet you
where’d kelly go? Am I the only one who likes to laugh at judgmental people who sit atop their moral high horses? Come back Kelly, you’re more than enough entertainment for me to laugh at.
You slut. You lovely, lovely slut.
Great article.
Sluts have sex because they want sex not because they dont know how not to.
It really pisses me off how people think “sluts” sleep with everybody they have the oppourtunity to. People who have slept with more people generally have because they’ve had more offers.
Slut is a jeleous word. Women use it when they’re fucked off somebody screwed a guy they liked.
Slut = Unselective enough that they don’t care who they sleep with and sexual fitness is the only metric for choosing to have off-spring.
OR
If they don’t choose to have off-spring it means they fail at the core of their intrinsic existence; being a female human serving humanity by the continuing survival of the next generations.
No? Watch first 5 minutes of the movie Idiocracy.
It’s about pleasure then? If one is fixated on “having orgasms” then one doesn’t have a clue what it means to plan for the future and is no better then being a drug addict looking for the next fix.
Sluts ruin their life and the lives of the people around them.
It’s not a “badge” any mature and responsible woman would ever consider carrying…
For starters, I’m 17, and I know a lot of girls who lost their virginity in grade 7 and have already had sex with like 30 guys or more, when I only have with 1. And they are all the same, and have the same personalities, they become your friend, they sleep with the guys you like and try and sleep with your boyfriend, they cheat, talk shit about everybody, they’re stuck up and they lie about you and act like they’re the best. Friends don’t do that but still nobody should. So that’s what I think a slut is. Somebody who acts like that. If you sleep with 100 guys whatever, but if you do that and are NICE and a GOOD PERSON, then to me you’re just a girl who likes to have sex, but if you act like what I explained, then your a fucking SLUT. No if’s and’s or buts. Make sense? But yeah I don’t like girls in general because they’re unpredictable. You think they’re a good person and they slam you so randomly and they leave you to clean up the mess thinking, “what did I do wrong?”
Take heart — the leading definition over at Urban Dictionary is currently as follows:
slut [28549 up, 4915 down]:
a woman with the morals of a man
Beyond that, I haven’t the energy right now to address the idiots among the commenters above me. Suffice to say that I’ve read and agree with pretty much everything in ‘The Ethical Slut’.
To the people who ahve issues with “casual sex” who says it’s casual. I must say that all of my encounters that could be described as casual turned into friendships that I still maintain. I am friends with EVERY person I’ve slept with. EVER. And once, only once, have I ever gone after a guy who has a girlfriend at the time.
Call me a slut, call me promiscuous, but I’ll tell you a secret…
I probably know more about sex than you do… and when you’re freaking out about a stupid sex question, I’m the kind of girl you turn to.
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