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Welcome to CollegeCandy’s new feature: He Said/She Said. We at CC headquarters always depend on our male friends to give us some advice (mostly because we know nothing about which beer goes better better with Honey Teriyaki wings) and, suddenly, it dawned on us: maybe other people want our guy friends’ advice too!But guy advice is nothing without something to compare it to. So, we are putting it all together into one handy little post. You submit your questions/ideas to us (email ‘em to editor@collegecandy.com) and we will get you the male and female perspective. Granted, we can’t say we speak for all men and women, but we come pretty damn close.
We are kicking things off in a big way….with one of our very own (very forward) editor’s topics of choice: women making the first move.
He Said:
Depending on the situation and the guy, the first move can mean different things to us as men. I think first and foremost, there’s an overall opinion that you guys should go for it more often. A lot of men feel like chivalry is dead and ‘the chase’ is next to go, and would prefer that women be upfront about the relationship. All the ducking and maneuvering can get tiresome.
Many times, physical contact is the ’signal’ to us that you want to get more serious. That being said, it’s important to know what you’re saying with your move. I don’t think I have to tell you that getting all up on it in the bar reads more as ‘I’M LOOKING FOR CASUAL SEX AND THERE’S A DECENT CHANCE I DO THIS PRETTY OFTEN/AM HAMMERED’ than, “I really like you and want to establish something long-term.” If you wanna get down, alright; but if you’re looking to let a guy know you really like him this probably shouldn’t be in the play book.
Now, if you’ve been seeing a guy for a while, and things haven’t heated up properly, chances are he really likes you and doesn’t want to fuck it up/scare you away. A lean-in-and-kiss with maybe a tush-grab modifier is not only a totally awesome story (”she kissed me, it was kick-ass!”), but also a good way to build physical trust with those adorable nervous types. When a girl does that, it takes some of that responsibility off the guy, and can be really endearing. We may not seem it, but we worry an awful lot about that, “What if she ducks when I go in for the contact?” stuff. That’s some ego-shattering sh*t.
So, to sum it all up, use good judgment to know what your saying, and go for it. Sometimes men feel like you really like ‘the game,’ so if you don’t and you hate it, this is a pretty good way around it.
She Said:
When I like a guy, I want things to happen….now. So, just as I do in every other aspect of my life, I really like to be forward and open with him. Not, “let’s get married, have 2.5 children, a dog and a house with a big backyard” forward, but, you know, “I had a good time and would love to do it again” forward. But, it seems that whenever I do, the guy turns around and runs for the proverbial hills. I even had a guy move four hours away! He claimed it was planned beforehand, but I don’t know…
So, to my male friend above, I call bullsh*t. I have learned in my extensive dating experience that playing hard to get really is the only way. Guys may claim they are over the chase, but the chase just seems to be innate. Men have always been hunters, and the dating game is no exception. When a girl is forward – which, according to some guys, is coming on too strong – the guy freaks out. The idea of being pinned down into a relationship frightens them and pushes them away. But, when a girl doesn’t call a guy back or refuses his plans a couple times, the guy seems to keep coming back for more.
I wish what speaker-for-all men said was true; I would love to live in a world where I didn’t have to force myself not to answer a call or send an IM because I am playing hard to get. I would love to be my assertive old self and start something now, instead of wasting 1-3 weeks playing games. But I just don’t believe it can happen. I guess I will just have to go out this weekend and test it out. Look out boys (and please don’t run away).
20 Comments
I totally agree with “She” — I’ve never really been one to make the first move, but I have seen girlfriends do it & get hurt. I feel like the more I ignore a guy (even ones I DONT WANT to hook up with), the harder they try. IF I like them, this is awesome. If not, it can get pretty annoying/scary.
Yeah, I felt good about making the first move when I first got over my confidence problems and started to take charge. But then things soured fast, and I realized that guys don’t appreciate things they get easily, and I have to resignedly adopt to exactly what the “she” perspective mentioned, and learn to hold down my urges and play the stupid game, just to make sure I get what I want AND get what I deserve.
It’s so bothersome, but I can’t seem to find a way around it.
Chivalry might be dead to most of the male race, but the chase for sure is NOT. I’m 100% on the she-side here. Being forward = being desperate according to guys, and I’ve seen/experienced that approach crash and burn since my best friend kissed her crush on the playground in first grade. (He told on her–she got time out.)
You should stop dating Neanderthals then.
ALL THESE WOMAN ARE BATSHIT INSANE. GUESS WHAT LADIES I KISS ALL GIRLS ON THE FIRST DATE AND THEY RUNNING TO OLD NAVY TO TELL FREINDS (AND BUY SKORTS). PLAYING HARD TO GET IS A NONSENSE SPIRIT DREAM.
Girls making the first move doesn’t make them look desperate or freak guys out. It shows confidence, playfulness and just general goodness. It’s hot and in my opinion should definitely be encouraged.
http://factsandfriction.blogspot.com/
Oh and that taking ages to answer a text or IM thing has no effect on me. Maybe other guys react better to it, to me it’s boring. Admittedly an immediate reply takes away some of the suspense that makes flirting so fun, but anything longer than half an hour/maybe an hour breaks up the fast paced tete-a-tete and interplay that also makes flirting great. My approach if a girl ‘refused my plans’ would be to cut my losses and find someone who wouldn’t.
I’m interested to know what other guys think, I’m sure I’m not that different.
Oops, I meant to make it clearer in my last comment that it would be after she refused more than once that I’d move on. I could handle her not seeming interested once, I’d step up my persuasion, but if it failed after that then I don’t think I’d bother. I don’t like the idea of being played or playing people.
As a shy guy i like the women to make the first move if it wasnt for guts i would not ogf meet my girlfriend who we have some much in commen with so i say girls go for it grab the bull by the horns go for the gold ring (figurativly) and as that guy out come on its post femrevalution guys some times like to be asked.
Why don’t women ever want to hook up with some guys? We all have penises (some bigger than others
I’m good at doggystyle because I hump my desk to porno. Sometimes I even use pillows to practice picking chicks up while I pork them!
This site has some odd commenters…
I like girls to make the first move most of the time… of course if it’s the first date and the appetizer hasn’t gotten to the table and your foot is sliding up my leg, then we have a speed problem, but small, suggestive moves at the appropriate time can definitely shore up our confidence and indicate that a woman is ready to be approached physically… “He’s” totally right by the way… “We may not seem it, but we worry an awful lot about that, “What if she ducks when I go in for the contact?” stuff. That’s some ego-shattering sh*t.” Yes, yes it is.
dont play hard to get..the guys that ran bc you were too forward were just pussies
I’ve always found that these problems serve as excellent social weeding tools, giving me clues about a guy within minutes… If a guy is intimidated easily, and reacts in flight or flight mode to me just comfortably being me… then he’s not ready to be with me!!! Guys that I find worthwhile conveniently show their appreciation and admiration for things other than what they notice by glancing at the cover. As an avid book reader I can’t refrain from using the comparison of women and books.. i don’t want to be glanced at, skimmed! I want to be tenderly set by the bed as the last thing you read at night, and I want you to always use a book mark, and reread me so many times you have me memorized… Please don’t recommend me to your friends though…
To me, the first move is holding your hand. If I’m on a date and my girl holds my hand, then it makes me happy and I know there is a spark. It NEVER turns me off.
I truly believe that women who say “men must do the chasing,” or “a woman should never pay for a date because men *like* to pay, are so very full of sh*t.
You like somebody and you are getting the strong feeling that it probably is mutual? Then make the first move or take the ride to loserville.
The problem with women making the first move is that in most cases they are doing it to some “hot” guy and they are not on a real date and the guy doesn’t even know she likes him! SOmehow they think that making “the first move” will get his guy to like them. Like hypnotism or something.
Thank God men don’t think this way. “Yeah I know how to get this hot cheerleader chick to like me…I’ll go stick my tongue down her throat at a party! She’ll fall for me for sure!”
Women…get this straight…..”making the first move” should be done only when there is an already established sense of attraction, NOT as a way of trying “to get” a guy.
yo, to be quite honest…..the she perspective is completely loco…….for some dudes, myself included, are not gonna make a progress move unless some kind of attraction or spark is there…….and if u hide that by playing hard to get (which most girls do) then u r just fucking u r self over. I mean, playing hard to get can and EEEEEASILY is misinterpreted (I’m guilty of it on multiple accounts). playing hard to get, (can be seen by some dudes) as silent rejection, or just a cold shoulder, when the girl is in the completely opposite mindset..
further more, when intentions are known it makes shit a hellalot easier…
I agree with Jake and all the ones that says that is ok for the girl to make the first move. sometimes guys are afraid of rejection and even shy to ask. but before you made the first move make sure you know that they guy is interested too. i just did that with a guy that I know for years and he was very happy to come up with the plans for the weekend and said he was looking forward for that. like a dude out of De said, when intentions are known it makes shit a hellalot easier…playing hard to get is for kids.
I’m going to go with She, just based on personal experience. I’m sure there are guys that like girls like that - hell, I’ve known some of them - but I’ve been told I come off as a domineering, bitchy snob to people who don’t know me when I’m just trying to be assertive. It probably doesn’t help that I’m 5′10″ in flats… and I usually wear heels. Apparently I’m intimidating.
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