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I’m 10 days deep into a summer fling of the best kind.
Him: A good friend (we’ll call him Fred) I’ve had a thing for, for years. He just got back from studying abroad and the ocean air and warm weather treated him very well.
I kind of thought our first encounter in the bedroom was a one-time occurrence. A tipsy romp between the sheets that was very memorable, but a sexual outlier…that is until it happened again the next night.
And again two nights later.
To the untrained eye, nothing is different. No awkward conversations, no weirdness whatsoever and the sex is nothing short of mind blowing. So where’s the problem?
He is my best friend’s ex-boyfriend.
Hear me out. They dated for two years, mostly long distance, during college. The three of us would hang out together whenever he came to town. Their relationship was good but they weren’t exactly Jack and Rose. They didn’t have many common interests and they only got to see one another once or twice a month. The relationship finally ended last summer when they decided it just wasn’t working anymore. Because the break-up was relatively mutual, I got to stay friends with Fred and we got together frequently.
Fred and Ruby (yes, we’re calling my best friend Ruby) both found new significant others within a few weeks time.
He got back to America after studying abroad and looked smoking hot. We drank, we flirted, yada, yada, yada; I walked him to the door the next morning.
Later that day, I talked to Ruby about it (crazy maybe, but I didn’t want to lie about it) and she sounded a bit…shocked. Not mad, not overjoyed, just…dazed. She thanked me for being honest and telling her first. We exchanged a few pleasantries and hung up. I haven’t talked to her since, but I think she’s coming around.
I told a few other friends this story and they thought otherwise. Half thought I broke the first rule of best-friends: “Hands (and every other body part) away from the Ex.” The rest gave me the go-ahead, “They broke up. She moved on. No harm, no foul.”
But what do you think, CC faithful? She is my best friend and - broken up or not - many would argue that her exes are forever off limits. But is that fair? Shouldn’t there be a statute of limitations on this kind of thing? Do I have to avert my gaze forever, or is there truly no wiggle room in the girl code?
[Photo: TraciNoel.Blogspot.Com]
23 Comments
I think the girl code is retarded! Why shouldn’t a single girl be able to date a single guy just because he used to date her best friend? That is completely not fair. If they’re not together then there must be a reason and she shouldn’t still be hanging onto him. That is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. And another reason I really don’t get along with girls.
And before anyone jumps down my throat about “you must not have ever been in this position” I actually set my best friend up with my ex of 2 1/2 years, (by far my longest and closest relationship thus far). It didn’t work out though, for the same reasons it didn’t work out with me and him, he was just a shitty boyfriend. But I still love him as a friend and person.
Ok in theory the girl code is a tad ridiculous until you experience the so called “betrayal” first hand (which i have). My best friend started hooking up with this guy that i had dated for a year and it had been a year since we broke up…but i’ll be honest, it hurt. The whole time i was dating this guy my best friend was the one that helped me navigate the relationship problems i had with him. She knew the intimate details of our relationship and although i was not attached to him anymore it bothered me that she would do that. but to each his own i guess, until it happens to you, its hard to see how it hurts.
You are absolutely, 100% wrong and don’t be surprised if your Best Friend never talks to you again. If she does, there will be so much animosity between the two of you that things will never be the same. You are retarded if you don’t understand why it’s wrong - because she was intimate with him, she cared for him and out of all of the other men out there, you chose HER man. It’s wrong and it shows that you have some deep-rooted insecure, jealousy issues with your friend. Women who sleep with their friends’ exes aren’t really infatuated with the guy, they are infatuated with the relationship their friend and boyfriend had with one another. The problem is CC, that will never be you. What they had was between them. You were the jump off and if he wanted to be with you, he would’ve chose you first. I hope you never hear from your friend again. She deserves better than that.
“Messy Jess”,
what if none of the other men out there was the one she was supposed to be with? What if she and her friend became friends after the girl was already dating the guy and the sole purpose of their becoming friends was so she could meet her “one”. What if you have a friend that dates every guy that comes along, can you never date anyone because your friend always gets to them first? Is that fair? I know someone like that and that’s bullshit! She gets mad at my friend whenever she tries to talk to a guy because she’s already dated them them all.
He probably dated her friend first because he was attracted to her but then he met her through his GF and realized she was a better match for him. I highly doubt there are any jealousy issues (that’s a ridiculous assumption) and she probably doesn’t want what her friend had with the guy considering it DIDN’T EVEN WORK OUT! DUH! that’s just plain stupid.
I think that Messy Jess needs to calm down and take a midol. Other then that, I think that CC and Fred are a finecouple because CC didnt try to hide anything and didnt take Fred when he was still with Ruby. She was attracted, but kept her paws off until Ruby and Fred’s doomed relationship ended. And if every girl were to stay away from every dude that has ever been in a relationship, the human race would end. Oh and if Ruby isnt a crazy lady who is over protective over her old shit like a bag lady, she’ll get over it.
I agree with MessyJess. It’s unfair to your best friend that you did this. I’m sure she confided in you about their relationship, and for you to be with him is like saying “I know what she did and she messed up, I can be better for him.” If you really have strong feelings for this guy and you think a strong relationship could result though, prove it. Explain the situation to your friend (no unneccessary details though) and then make the relationship work. If it doesn’t, you just lost your best friend over a crappy boyfriend. Was it worth it?
lila, you definitely make a strong point. But I doubt anyone that dates a friends ex has that in mind, and if they do they obviously don’t care about the friendship anyways and are not a true friend. I think CC proved that she was a good friend and that was not her intention by telling her friend what was going on.
It sounds like you know your friend is a little bit uncomfortable, but you still want to be with the guy.
Presumably, though, you want to keep the friendship intact MORE than the you want to keep the boy.
So it sounds like you need to talk with her about exactly HOW uncomfortable she is, and go from there.
I agree with Isabel. I feel like the girl code is mostly so that girls don’t have to see their friends dating guys they still have unresolved emotions for. Since Ruby is over Fred in this scenario, and CC didn’t intentionally seek Fred out as a hookup to spite Ruby, AND CC told Ruby as soon as it happened, CC has done everything right. Ruby probably needs some time to figure out if she is upset with CC or not, and if so, why. Give it a few days, then ask Ruby if she is okay with it or not and go from there.
Casey i suggest you stop with the “what if” scenarios, its juvenile…
dating your best friends ex is wrong, even if she says it’s ok, do you think she’d ever be honest and say that after so long being broken up she still has unresolved feelings for him? uh i think NOT.
whatever your friend decides to do its still a complete bitch move that she probably wont care about in 2 years but that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.
thats the thing about character. its pretty declaritive.
I’m sorry? It’s juvenile to consider the fact that not every person and every situation is exactly the same?
Seems to me you are the one who is being juvenile, The “girl code” is so immature, I mean take the movie “Mean Girls” for example, Georgina got over the fact that Cady was dating her ex by the time they were seniors. I’ve dated a best friends ex and I’ve had a best friend date my ex, it’s not a world shattering experience. The way I see it it’s just girls being catty and immature and trying to hold onto something that wasn’t really theirs in the first place. I mean COME ON if it was meant to be they would still be together, otherwise the boy is up for grabs for ANYONE. Having rules on who you can and can’t date is just ridiculous and adds even more needless drama to the world.
Don’t tell me I’m being juvenile when you’re the one holding onto ridiculous high school notions.
This is a very interesting situation.
I had something similar going on.
My best friend “Annie” and her boyfriend “Wes” dated for a year or so, and were very close. We hung out all the time together, and Wes and I found common interest, and she encouraged our friendship because she liked the idea that I finally approved of someone she was dating.
Well, eventually, it wasn’t working with Annie and Wes, so they called it quits, but they remained very close.
Soon after, I was going to Europe for a couple of weeks, and Wes came to my house to have a little ‘going away cook-off’. It was while we were in the kitchen that we got closer and closer and eventually ended up making out.
I felt so incredibly guilty after that any and all little feelings I had for him dissolved. I loved Annie too much to hurt her, because I knew of her feelings for him. So, I told him never again. And, I told Annie all about it.
She told me our friendship was bigger than that, and she forgave me. Wes agreed that we should just remain friends. And that was that.
Honesty is key, really, whatever the situation.
can we please stop calling eachothter juvenile, and can we also STOP with the mean girls references, for your information CAsey, the movie begins when the girls are juniors so senior year is only a year later, not a very long time if u ask me..
I’m so lonely. Why doesn’t summer love ever happen to me?
I think its not always off limits to date a best friend’s ex, but in this situation is seems like you really weren’t considering how it might affect her before you let things go too far.
If you had gone to her and talked to her about the fact that you were attracted to him before hand there might not have been any problem. Or you would have known that there was going to be a big problem and decided not to risk the friendship.
Really it seems like you decided that she shouldn’t be upset about it and went ahead and did it.
Friends exes are not always off limits but you should always proceed with extreme caution. I think that’s that part you missed.
I have to say that no matter what this is a complicated situation.
Throughout high school, I believed the “girl code” was stupid and that people should be able to do what they want, that was until I was hurt. Summer after high school my best friend hooked up with a guy I had dated before, but he went to college 400 miles away so before we both went to our choosen schools I was trying to surpress feelings for him. Well, my best friend at time had hooked up with him behind my back after knowing that I still liked him and then hid the truth from me until the guy came and told me. Let’s just say I was more then hurt; I felt like an idiot and a fool.
So, I believe in the girl code and the fact that someone only came up with it to protect friendships, not to destory them.
Nikki, your situation is a little different considering your “friend” lied to you, or hid the truth from you, that’s just wrong and if anyone does that then obviously they aren’t your friend.
Jess, I know when the movie started, that wasn’t really the point. it was just a situation most everybody knows of and could be used as an example.
If my friend started dating one of my exes and they were happy then I would be happy for them, obviously they’re better for each other then he and i were so there’s no point in me hanging on to him when he can make someone else (especially someone I care about) more happy then he could make me.
I agree with Messy Jess, and it sounds like she’s been recently hurt, so whoever laid down the midol comment- there’s never a right time to lay down a “take you midol” comment.
I was the same way. I felt betrayed when it happened to me. He and I were estranged towards the end, but the whole time we were dating my best friend and I lived in a one bedroom apartment together. We were so close I spent vacations with her family and she called me sister. When I found out I screamed incest and betrayal. Gross! She was in the apartment when he and I were getting it on and I’m sure she heard, and we talked about his shortcomings and problems with the relationship all the time.
Messy Jess - “You are retarded if you don’t understand why it’s wrong - because she was intimate with him, she cared for him and out of all of the other men out there, you chose HER man.” “Women who sleep with their friends’ exes aren’t really infatuated with the guy, they are infatuated with the relationship their friend and boyfriend had with one another.”
I don’t entirely agree with the last quote, but that’s how I felt in terms of the betrayal. I felt like her actions compared us, and the fact that he joined in just shows she’s better. It made me insecure. He treats me like crap for 6 months and then turns around and goes after my best friend. He tells me he was interested in her while we were dating. She got closer to him when we broke up. It hurts like hell.
I can never really look at her the same, never call her my sister again, we’ll never be close again, because this whole ordeal has made them close friends where I am the third wheel and that just does not compute for me. When he and I broke up it was mutual, but only because he changed and he wasn’t there for me anymore. I recognized the change, but wish it didn’t happen. I’m not going to be an outsider to an earlier part of my life, that I didn’t want to lose, so I can’t be around them to watch how close they’ve gotten. It makes me want to vomit. I know I said “our friendship is better more important” and I’ll still see her without him, but, the nausea is still there if I ever see them together.
Cut me some slack! It’s SOP- Every girl knows that. Whatever happened to RESPECT and RECOGNITION???
OHmigod…
these stories totally remind me of my situation for the past year…
so… i had a “friend” (i say in quotes, because i realize now she was not really my true friend–) who was living in a tent on a farm when she first moved to town… i was living in a quite fancy house that my b.f. had just bought… i shared everything i had with this girl… including my problems, that my b.f. was always gone (it was a new relationship and he was always gone on business and trying to use money to keep me around…) and that i was still in love with my ex (who had turned alcoholic since our breakup, but who was still pursuing me and declaring his love…)
she knew ALL my secrets… finally my b.f. and i broke up and i was with my ex again… he was sobering up and i had hope that we would work things out… i was still dealing with a lot from having to move out of my house since the breakup…
my “friend” promised to help me move… i was totally overwhelmed by it… and she had stayed with me many times and had house-sat for me, so i trusted her and felt comfortable with her…
then i had a party and my ex (the one i was still sweet on, not the one who owned the house) and this girl “friend” of mine met… and i heard later from another mutual friend she was totally trying to stake out how much he and i were hanging out, and asking lots of questions about him etc…
she then started trying to make moves on him and within a week she had completely dumped me as a friend and was not returning my calls and was no-showing me for our plans for packing my house etc…
i went over to my ex’s house with no knowlege of this and then called the girl because we had had plans to meet… i had her meet me at my ex’s house… within 5 minutes of us all being together i had overwhelming feelings that something was UP between them…
i went outside and talked with my ex’s roommate… turns out, yes my “friend” had been over there every single day.
then my ex came out and i had some words with him, about people who would care more about pursuing their own lusts than considering the feelings of other people–
and i left…
my ex came over to my house, very apologetic and willing to help me pack or move, asking me for my “blessing” for him to pursue the relationship–
i said, no this is b.s. i can’t give you my “blessing” but do whatever you want, you’re a free person
i cut both of them off completely.
later i ran into my ex… he was so happy to see me and expressing his love for me and how beautiful i was and how much he missed me and was glad i didn’t hate him… “i don’t hate you, i just can’t have anything to do with you sometimes” i said… and we were dancing together…
then 15 minutes later the girl shows up and comes up to me all brusquely acting like nothing ever happened.
(SHE HAD NEVER EVEN CALLED ME OR WRITTEN ME A LETTER OR ANYTHING)… i didn’t want to talk to her and so i just gave her the cold shoulder… but then when i saw her and my ex dancing together i left because i didn’t want to see that.
so then a month or so later i try to heal things with my ex, and be friends, even though i am still hurt and angry… and he starts confessing his continued feelings for me… and tries to seduce me… (this happens on three or four occasions, EVERY time we are alone together, he talks about how deep his love is for me)
i later write him a letter telling him to knock it off, that he should respect his “girlfriend” and not go after me like that or try to seduce me behind her back…
i am very lonely at this time because his roommate was my OTHER best friend… and i had been avoiding her because i didn’t want to see the other two. i finally stop avoiding her… and decide when she’s leaving town to throw her a great going away party…
i decide it’s ok if my former “friend” is there even though i haven’t talked to her now in a few months… (oh i forgot, my ex came over the night before this “friend”’s b-day, and told me she meant nothing to him, that they were together just for this time… i was skeptical… but then he admitted he didn’t have a b-day present for her, so i gave him something to give to her i had intended giving her but never had a chance to. but then the next day i hear that he went to the beachtown where I AM FROM that is VERY special to me for HER birthday… this makes me more mad than i can say because i have been working so hard on forgiving them but it feels like another powertrip on her part, for her to suggest going there… i don’t want to go into this too much, but i will say that i am part native and this beach town is on the indian reservation where i went to preschool and it is a very beautiful place, not just any beach.)
so anyways, when she gets back from celebrating HER birthday at MY birthplace, i guess she couldn’t help but thinking of me, because i find a letter of apology in my mailbox… it’s a nice letter. but it has now been let’s see… 5 months since everything first went down.
i decide it’s a nice letter but NOT going to make us friends again…
however because she DID apologize i decide it’s cool if she wants to come to the party… so i make sure that she knows she can come…
HOWEVER she proceeds to annoy me but pretending NOTHING EVER HAPPENED and trying to be my friend at the party which totally irritates me. also she and the boy act very lovey-dovey at the party which also irritates me, because i had just ASKED him a week before to tell me how he felt about her and he had totally downplayed it.
my first time hanging out with them since this all went down and i do my best to not be miserable…
since i am the hostess of the party there’s lots to distract me but overall i don’t have a very good time…
then the girl who was my friend leaves for mexico for a month or two and meanwhile my ex tells me he’s not committed to her and decides its ok to make out with me and tell me he loves me forever…
i did not have sex with him though and i am glad i didn’t because i find out that less than a week later, he tells his old roommate he loves HER and that he might want to marry her.
meanwhile after hearing that the ex has confessed love to me again, (perhaps out of her own jealousy) the roommate confesses to me that she ALSO had an affair with him (and had never told the other girl or me… the ENTIRE time she is listening to my heartbreak over the betrayal of this girl!) AND that she had unprotected sex with him on numerous occasions despite the fact that she was being actively treated for precancerous cervical lesions (meaning she had the gnarliest strain of HPV)…
so then i end my friendship with HER too because i couldn’t believe her selfishness and dishonesty
and then i’m totally alone without my “socalled friends”… and i am very sad because i have also been babysitting the roommate’s baby and love the baby very much.
but i decide i need to let the other girl know she was exposed to this gnarly std… so i make the boy promise to tell her and he does
and then i ask the boy to please move away so i can have some peace in my life again
and so now he has… and is living in another town with the girl who went to mexico…
i feel bad not to tell her about his betrayals because if she was MY friend i would definitely let her know…
but i feel like she’s not my friend and telling her would only be trying to get revenge.
though i KNOW it would probably break them up…
and teach him a lesson!
i am not sure what to do.
i am so sick of all these people and their selfish way of acting despite their charming exteriors and i am glad i found this board/blog because when i have acted upset about these actions of my so-called friends they have totally put it on me like i am the conservative one with the problem… hearing your stories and varying points of views have helped me to realize how ludicrous this all was…
the people in this circle of friends agree that i need to get over it …
i DO need to get over it, but not because i was never betrayed!
but just so i can get on with my life and have a happy life!!!
anyway… thanks for letting me vent…
let me just say that MORALS are there for A REASON, not as rules to keep us in check and control us, but to PREVENT US FROM HURTING EACH OTHER… and to prevent us from being ruled by our more selfish drives…
though of course, i think TRUE LOVE has a reason for being all of its own, and if people have true love they are ALWAYS justified in getting together…
but i am not sure if the boy is a polyamourist who loves all of us truly or just a player… who knows…
maybe something in-between…
My personal feelings on the subject is this:
If they said i love you: Completely off limits ( when you love someone i dont care how long its been they were a part of your heart)
now if they just dated. then thats one thing, but only if you ask permission first. (Keyword on the FIRST)
this is the situation i am in.
my friend and this guy dated a few monthes back and i helped her with their relationship so much. She ended up breaking up with him because she no longer had feelings for him.
After this me and him still talked of course in a completely playtonic situation. But after a month or two of talking we both started to like each other but i knew he was “off limits” everyone knows the “girl code”
any ways i never tried to pursue anything further than a friendship with him and then i guess somehow my friend found out that he liked me and vica versa and was very upset that i hadnt told her.
i explained that i liked him but if she wasn’t okay with it i would gladly back down because i always promised myself since i was young i would never let a guy ruin a friendship.
she seemed almost beyond sincere.
after a few weeks me and him started to offically be a “couple” and she seemed fine but we really couldnt talk like we used to because a relationship is something ylou share with your best friend and that would just be weird.
and now she is talking so much shit about me behind my back about how i am “desprate” and that the only reason i like him is just because i want to piss her off.
i am starting to feel guilty but i dunno what to do i need helpp!
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