So I’m unsure if I’m just behind the times or if this is really a new development, but lately while strolling about town I’ve noticed in various storefronts and on various idiots new styles of the ever-so-lovely Croc sandal…thingy. But, as the Croc 2.0 is still made of rubber and is still, in fact, a Croc, I find myself wondering, really, what is the f*cking point?

I’ll admit, when I spotted my first Croc in the summer of 2005, I was actually impressed by its foamy, walking-on-air comfort and even considered purchasing a pair to sport during my waitressing job. Then I saw a few people at work wearing them (over white ankle socks, no less), realized that they were in fact the bastard love child of a whiffle ball and a gardening clog, and quickly decided that, while my Chucks may not exactly be arch-friendly, at least they’re fresh looking.

But, to get back to the matter at hand, declining sales in the past year seem to have alerted the Croc powers that be to the fact that their product is absolutely f*cking hideous, and the company is now attempting to remedy the situation with different variations on the rubber shoe. The new styles are run the gamut in terms of appearance, but stay true to the Croc commitment to tastelessness. For ladies, there is the Alice, a ballet slipper with a strap; the Celeste Canvas or the Celeste Suede, a more utilitarian ballet slipper with criss-crossing stretchy straps that comes in black canvas or the even more glamorous tan suede; the Mary Jane, a Frankenstein combo of the classic shoe and the Croc, complete with copious airholes; the Malindi, a round toe slingback also with more feminine airholes; and, my personal favorite, the Cyprus, a sandal with crossed straps and a chunky-ass square heel – so elegant!

There are also a number of new designs for the fellas and the kiddies, but they’re not nearly as inventive as the feminine styles and mainly just feature a wide variety of Disney cartoon characters and sports teams. Because nothing says sports star like a squishy clog with a heel strap.

Bottom line, kudos to Croc for clinging to their fading popularity and attempting to stop the Titanic from sinking, but let’s face it. Rubber shoes are, inherently, gnarly. I don’t care what kind of new injection-mold you fashion them from or how much you try to sex ‘em up, they will never be attractive.

At this point I can only hope, for Croc’s sake, that the American middle class doesn’t catch wise to the fact that style should, in fact, sometimes take precedence over comfort. Because comfort is all Croc’s got.